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I posted this question as many of us who come here feel they are somehow responsible for the A's drinking. I would love to hear how YOU deal with these nagging thoughts and hear some positive tools one uses that may help others. Thank you in advance............................................
i think carrying unfounded guilt can b more difficult some days than others depending on where we r with our esteem, meetings, rest level(HALT).
but on a good day i can believe this: The 3 C's-- I didn't cause can't control can't cure..the disease. and i can look at those feelings and ask where am i on some level not believing the 3 c's. And ask myself did i do anything to hurt someone or contribute to disease and make ammends if the answer is yes. But contributing and causing are miles apart, so i must get out of my head when it is the bad neighborhood of thinking i am that powerful.
u have great recovery GG & i so appreciate u bringing this up, cuz we all can still go there at times when it is not our strongest moment.
blessings,
Sha-angel (luv123)
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Wishing all the best on your recovery journey, Luv
It is easy to just accept the guilt, or to wonder if we are responsible, especially since our A's are so good at blaming us for everything.
My husband has blamed me for several of his drunk driving tickets. Since according to him I caused him to get the tickets, then it is also my fault that he can't get a job drivng. Since he can't drive a bus or truck and that is what he wants to do, and won't do anything else, then that makes it my fault that he isn't working, therefore isn't bringing in any more, therefor we are short, so it is my responsibility to work extra hours.
The funny part is, he hid his drinking from me at those times, (with the help of a bartender) he had a coke on the bar, and a JD and coke hidden behind it. Back then I was always checking, so I kept sipping his coke and found it to be just soda. According to my husband I should have known, and then I should have fought for his keys. I should know everything, but if I think I know everything, I get blamed for that too, and there is a fight.
I used to think it was all my fault, that if I tried harder, if I was more understanding etc. As time went on and I worked my program, I saw that if I tried to hard, I was to blame, if I didn't try hard enough, I was to blame as well. I started to see thata according to him everything from a pro team losing a game to a rainy day was my fault. I was even to blame for the weather.
One day we where out at the beach and he commented what a beautiful day it was, I couldn't resist, I said "Your welcomed". He asked why I said that. I told him well since you seem to think I am in control of the weather and I get blamed for every crummy day, I figured that I must have something to do with all this sunshine. He didn't think it was funny, and made a comment about me thinking I was Jeannie almighty or Saint Jeannie, and walked away.
When I start to feel guilty I remind myself of the 3 c's. If that doesn't work, I think of all the times he tries to put the blame for everything on me, yet never gives me the credit for anything. It puts things into perspective.
i think taking an inventory of ourselves helps. is this really my issue or am i taking on someone else's stuff, thinking i can change it. i have been having lots of guilt lately, and i think for me it's a combination of both. there are some changes i think i need to make. i'm praying for the willingnesss to have my hp remove my defects of character. as i'm going thru this i'm also aware that i need to treat myself as i would a best friend, with love and kindness.
for today, there is nothing i can do about my situation. so, i'm trying to remember to live one day at a time and not let my life pass me by by allowing negative thoughts to enter my mind.
i'd like to hear how others respond to this question too. i think that the guilt comes b/c u believe it's your fault, getting some perspective on the situation by talking with your sponsor, or just sharing at a meeting helps too.
What I like to do is flip the situation (put the shoe on the other foot) and ask myself "does/could anyone make me do/feel _______ (fill in the blank). Even when it comes to feelings, I know that I alone am responsible for how I feel. If I am angry (or any other emotion), I do not expect everyone around me to also be angry (or other emotion). We all have choices. We all can choose how we're going to feel, how we're going to act, what we're going to say, and so on. So many times the way we react to someone is due to our own experience, thought processes, fears, expectations, etc. I've seen where someone is sharing about themself and another will ask "are you referring to me?", which is a normal reaction response when we are taking things personally. I hear a lot of shares where I think "boy, that sounds like me" but I know now that I'm not the only one to ever have felt or done what is being shared. I can listen to what is being said, and if its about a negative trait that feels familiar to me, I can see if maybe that other person shares how they used the tools of our program to work through it. Even if they don't, I am reminded of something that I myself need to work on, I am once more "aware" of a change I need. So for me that is good.
It works the same with my A, with my family members, with friends, etc. The guilt thing.... I carried a lot of guilt regarding my oldest son (some of which yes was my fault!). I divorced when he was 2, he went back and forth between mom and dad, he became a big brother when I had my 2nd son and often acted like he was responsible for his little brother. I allowed him to take on more responsibility than I probably should have. I can remember saying to people "he's so responsible for his age" and feeling proud of that. Because I was a single mom for so long, and was again after my 2nd marriage and 2 kids more, I feel oldest son felt he HAD to be man of the house. He missed a lot of just being a carefree kid. At the time, I did not see this. Not so long ago it all came to a head (was having words with son) and I told him we need to talk. I listened to what he had to say...and yes, he said how he was never given the chance to just be a kid, how I had done nothing for him, how his life had been horrible and hard, how he now has a bad anger problem due to all that. I acknowledged that yes, life wasn't so good at times for all of us, that yes he had been more responsible than he needed to be but added that he did at times choose to be so even when I told him he didn't need to be, and that I was sincerely sorry for the mistakes I made along the way...but, how I was then was the only way I knew how to be, there were times I was "out of control", I did some awful things (used to slap him a lot to the point where he still has the "cringe" response if anyone moves their hand/arm fast and he's 24 now) ... I acknowledged all this and said "I can't change the past no matter how much I wish I could. What I can do, and what I've been trying to do (with alanon help) is to change today and all our tomorrows, to be better, to not be out of control, and I have to let go of the past and all that guilt and live in today. And you son, have the same choice. To stay stuck in the anger of the past, or to change your own life, your own feelings and make your life better for today and all the tomorrows. I am not accepting guilt anymore." He was quiet by the end of our talk. I know he has thought a lot about it, and better yet, I have seen him trying very hard to work on his anger issues and succeeding! I've told him how proud I am of him in how he has handled several situations, where he kept his anger in check (and boy could I see him struggling to do so), how he has walked away rather than jump in and escalate matters. Like me, he is learning to not react, to try and remain calm.
I honestly feel, if I had not spoken up for myself, to say "I will not accept guilt", that we would still be on that merry-go-round of insanity. I apologized for the parts that were my fault, I am making living amends by changing that bad behavior I had and NOT doing it anymore, I have put it in the past and with HP's help hopefully it will stay in the past. I am not accepting guilt for things that are not my fault, that are the product of someone else's behavior - they are responsible for that, not me. Unless I have physically forced someone to do something, how can they possibly say it is my fault? I'm not holding a gun to anyone's head saying "drink that" or "be angry" or "act this way". I live my life and (try very hard) to allow others the dignity to live their own life. If I am working on me and keeping my side of the street clean and trying my best to "do no harm", then I should have no reason for guilt feelings.
The sun is shining thru the oak trees outside my window, highlighting the new green leaves - it is a truly beautiful day...and ya know, today is what matters. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow has not come... today is the day I have, we have, to live in. As I have heard said in here, if we are standing with one foot in yesterday, and one foot in tomorrow, we are pissing all over today. It's a gorgeous day, do I want to choose to piss all over it or to enjoy it and make the best of it?? It's my choice. And honestly, I myself really needed to hear that today, because I woke up in not the best of moods (reacting to behavior of another). Funny how that works isn't it? Someone asks "how do you ______?" and in answering we often hear what we ourself needed to hear also. Gotta love it!
Thanks for the post (((((((gg)))))). Luv ya!
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Let your light shine in the darkness. "I can't just bring my mind to meetings...I must also bring my heart."
((((GG)))) excellent question. I have no clear answer to add at "this exact" moment (bad timing for me) I am interested in reading the responses tho Thank you for posting, care and wishes, t
This is where the "power" of Step One comes into play....
If we fully embrace and accept Step One, in that we are powerless over the A, their drinking, etc..... How can we possiby feel guilt over something we are powerless over?
In this very real way, Step One makes the transformation from sounding like a weakness, to be totally empowering and refreshing.....
T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Hello, gardengal, This is a real good question. When I first came into Alanon, I thought of myself as a person who had no guilt! What a joke that was! I can remember priding myself on that at times! Through the years, I have learned that a lot of my motivation has been guilt-led. And I also do not think of guilt as a "feeling" anymore. For me, it is really a set of beliefs, or the way I think about things. And some of those things are very deep in me, they go way beyond my current relationships to my growing up and what I internalized. For me, at a certain point in my life I had a major depression, some of which I now think was based on the guilt I carried with me. But even as I had the depression, I realized I had to let go of something. And I do not say that easily. Sometimes it's easy for me to tell someone else to "let go," but I've learned that it takes a lot of work, a lot of grieving, to let go of something I've held on to a long time. Your question has really provoked me into a lot of thinking. I thank you for this. Blessings, mebjk
I was thinking back how it happened for me. It was getting more mature and really using the skills of alanon.
It was people responding to me and "waking" me up. I had a thought that maybe my life, the stress of the sanctuary made my husband more stressed so he drank.
Well of course I know now the three C's.
But the support of others here, shaking me and slapping me around, I finally got it There is NOTHING I could or can do to make my A use or stop using.
Ask yourself why you take on the guilt of something you didn't do. One of my defects was assuming it was my job to fix the world , like I had the answers sheeeeeesh or as a friend of mine puts it i was way too busy Playing God . Such a waste of time gg.
Do a 4th and 5th step on just that one person and see what u come up with .Ask yourself what u could have done diff , probably nothing if were honest we tried it all anyway and nothing changed with them except we became more frustrated and angry. WE are not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop. if we were we wouldn't be here. (hugs)
