The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the phenomenon many of us live with, when in spite of all things pointing to a happy, contented and fulfilling life, we worry and wait for something negative to happen, a sense of impending doom as a foundation to each day. The writer quotes a question from the alanon leaflet Did You Grow Up with a Problem Drinker? The question asks Are you uneasy when your life is going smoothly, continually anticipating problems? She writes about having a great job, loving husband, working toward a graduate degree but also consistently feeling on edge. Then there is a sentence that resonated so strongly for me: Its as if I dont know how to handle happiness, so I start searching for difficulties to dwell on.
The writer begins to see that the constant worry is serving no purpose. The anxiety is no protection over any future problems that may or may not ever happen. In the same way she was in the practice of turning over real and tangible problems in her life to God, the writer decided to turn over these imaginary worries as well.
As I was reading this today I thought about how for me the worry and fretting is a result of those being familiar feelings. It doesnt feel quite right to have situations of contentedness without wading through a whole lot of worry first. I have found that when my mind starts chasing around all of these worries (about situations that dont even, in reality, exist) I start thinking its ok. Youre ok. That simple little mantra helps me get back to the present and not get mired in some future with potential problems that are not based in reality.
The quotation from Courage to Change (p.15) reminds us: Worrying will not protect me from the future. It will just keep me from living here and now.
Thanks Mary and Debbie.
I remember the first time I noticed that I was doing this- I was walking in the sunshine early in my al-anon journey and things were good that day and I caught myself literally stop and think "now hang on, what am I meant to be worrying about?" and then searching my mind for something to obsess and ruminate on. It was quite confronting to realise that my default mindset was to always have something to be worried about! I haven't learned not to do it yet, but I have at least learned to notice that I am doing it and laugh at myself. Sometimes not worrying about anything actually feels a bit scary, as if worry has become a tether that makes me feel secure (because if I have a worry to focus on, maybe I can convince myself I am in control of any potential problems?) It always seems to come down to a false belief that I can somehow control everything that happens if I obsess about it. I think of it as me trying to "mind control the universe" and as absurd as it is, it's a very hard habit to break. Thanks for sharing how you deal with constant worry.
Going through the steps (especially Step 4), I found out more about myself. But something clicked today about my behaviors - both Mary and Youknowme said something that resonated. I have always known that I dwell on the worst case scenario - I have always figured that is b/c I wanted to feel like I had control over any outcome. If I was prepared, then I could handle it, right? Well, to be perfectly honest, being prepared DOES help me handle things in a more stable, professional manner. Qualities I need almost every day in my field of work. But I am learning it is no way to live your life 24/7. So I try each day to use my Al-Anon tools to keep me out of the negative headspace.
What I didn't realize is that this was a learned behavior from my father. Or rather I knew it - I had heard him once explain to my mom that if he thought of the worst, when the worst happens, he won't be taken by surprise, and if good happens, it's just icing on the cake - but I had never equated that he had this mindset b/c he was a child of an alcoholic. I never had much contact or knowledge of my grandparents on his side. Only recently have I learned things about my father's childhood/young adulthood. Now that I have a better understanding of addiction/alcoholism, I can see his ACOA behaviors. My father was not an alcoholic, but there were many years that he (I believe) had a problem with using alcohol. I am a product of that too.
The other "AHA" moment came when Youknowme shared about worry/obsessing as a form of 'mind control of the universe.' I recognized that I too, have done that. Can still do that. It IS a very hard habit to break. That is why I practice giving GRATITUDE every morning to my HP. I don't care what it is, I thank her for it. When I catch myself obsessing with worry, I actually ask my HP to take the worry off my shoulders.
Recently, I saw a T-shirt that I wanted to purchase, It read: "I'm fine. Everything's fine." It made me laugh b/c it has become my mantra.
Thank you guys for allowing me to have this space to share my ESH. I may not post a lot anymore, but I appreciate you all. &
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you Mary for your service and all the powerful shares. When I worry, I obsess. The problem grows in my head and I become paralyzed with fear. Since Al-Anon , I try to repeat a slogan or prayer and somehow, this changes my focus and gets me into positive action. The best remedy is turning it over to my HP but unfortunately, I haven't completely
shaken the habit of believing I can solve my problems on my own. Thanks for reminding me that worry steals the joy out of the present moment.
& 