The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's C2C talks of detaching with love, allowing others to experience the consequences of their own actions, and at the same time not robbing them of the opportunity to learn and celebrate their own achievements. Another person's consequences and lessons, basically, are not about me!
This reading is a real opportunity to be fearless with ourselves I think. I recognise in myself the tendency to take over and do everything for someone, only to feel slighted when they don't thank me when they succeed at the thing I have been pushing them to do. And it's funny because I get very cross when others do the same to me. My daughter, for example, might not want to do any dishes or pick up after herself but every so often she'll decide to completely re-arrange the kitchen in the most inconvenient way possible, throw out everything she thinks is "no good", and then get really upset if I don't throw a parade in her honour for doing it. Now it's a silly example and she's just being a young person, but it is an example that always comes to mind for me when I am starting to feel miffed that my "help" isn't being appreciated. Did the person ask for it? Do they even want it? Am I rearranging their kitchen without being asked?
On the other side of the coin, I've noticed when I try to encourage family members to detach with love and allow my brother to experience his own consequences, the response is always "but then he'll lose his job/ end up homeless/ get in trouble with the police" etc. I remember how hard it was to accept that bad things might happen to someone and that just might be exactly what they need for their own growth and development. Someone here used to say 'you can't learn someone's lessons for them" and that always spoke to me. Detaching involves a lot of discomfort at times, realising we aren't vital to someone else's survival but it is so often the most loving thing we can do. Gosh, the number of times I caused myself misery and hardship so my ex A wouldn't experience some kind of consequence is mind-boggling.
I am terrible at that part, by the way. Even no longer living with an active alcoholic, I struggle with an absurd sense of responsibility for everyone else to the point of having to battle myself not to do the kid or her partner's actual uni homework for them if they say they need help. Talk about learning people's actual lessons for them! As soon as someone says they are struggling with something I leap in and make it my problem. It's madness and it's so ingrained in me that it will probably be a lesson I have to keep learning for the rest of my life I guess.
Good Morning Youknowm. Thanks for the service. Today is a good day to detach with love and stick to an internal boundary/goal. I went to a f2f meeting last Saturday with a goal to sign up for service. I was informed I'd need to come to their business meeting, join and then I could sign up for a duty. Easy peasy right? Wrong! I was grilled at home about the need for this...blah, blah, blah. Zoom meetings were difficult due to lack of privacy plus I prefer in -person interaction. The feeling that arose within me was like when I was a teenager requesting to go out and was met with resistance from my parents. I was mad at myself for overexplaining why meetings matter to me. Anyways, today I've resolved to do as I planned and if it's still an issue, state that I'm doing what's right for me. FULL STOP. I'll trust HP to reveal whatever lessons I/hubby need to learn. Thanks for listening...at least I didn't throw a tantrum...lol.
