The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page considers detachment, a powerful Alanon concept that may be mistaken as harsh at first glance. Properly executed, it is a loving practice that keeps us out of others' business to allow them the opportunity to be themselves and learn the lessons they are ready to.
Mark Twain suggested that "A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way."
When someone we love wants to carry a cat by the tail, we may anticipate what will happen next and try to keep them from taking such action. In doing so, we are interfering in their choice and may appear as an enemy and become target of their anger.
Many lessons we have learned have come from trying, failing, and learning...we must trust that the process also works for others.
Reminder - Though painful, sometimes it's more loving to let others pick up the cat and learn the lessons. Today I can put love first.
"All I have to do is keep my hands off and turn my heart on." ...In All Our Affairs ------------------------------- Before I found Alanon, I thought seeing the future, the pending mistakes of others, and trying to talk them out of them were among my super powers, and my duty to act upon.
To this day, I find it one of the most difficult things to do: watching a loved one say or do things that you believe to be very harmful coming actions or results, yet give them the grace to work through it and pick up the cat. With the help of ALanon and this page, I have improved, but still struggle at times...
Carrying the cat, however, is the only way I have been able to learn many of these spiritual lessons for myself. I am so grateful for reminders like this page that call upon me to remember that, then give room for others to work out their lessons with the guidance of their higher power...that's how this thing works
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you Paul for your instructive/insightful share. I got a good chuckle about your superpowers. Detaching with love enables me to take care of my responsibilities that I neglected when I was busy running interference on behalf of my loved ones. I am continuously humbled to discover that my way was not always the best way. Al-Anon keeps me open to growth and change. Thank you for sharing your wisdom.
Thanks Paul for your service and all above ESH. Detaching, and especially with love, has taken me a number of years to improve upon. And I find that I can cope and do it for many days/weeks, and then I just cannot be perfect. I watch my spouse choosing so many undesirable/negative behaviors (in my opinion), that it hurts. I must let go and let God, and live and let live. It can make me very sad but I have the tools of this program to lift me up and get on with my own day. Progress not perfection, and choose my battles wisely!
Love this quote. Hands off anything that isn't my business. I often try to prevent others from doing things that I perceive as harmful or wrong. It is so much easier and way less energy to sit back and allow everyone to experience their own lessons in their own way. I have carried a cat by the tail a few times so to speak and it was certainly a powerful learning experience.
I too thought I had a magical gift for fortune-telling. I'm just grateful to have started to understand the value of allowing others to learn their own lessons in relation to my ex-A, who didn't listen to me anyway- so that it didn't continue unchecked in my parenting. Of course I still catch myself doing it but at least I can recognise it, take a breath and step back now, and allow people space to learn and grow with dignity.
