The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I was reading another post which started me thinking about something.
I have some "issues" with my father-in-law. He lived with us for 7 months last year and is back again for another month. I have never really liked him much, but I love the man because he is family. He picks on everyone. He's judgemental to the extreme. I don't enjoy his company.
When we started living together I knew I would have to establish the type of relationship I would need to have with him in order to maintain my serenity. So I treat him like one step above the cashier at the grocery store. Exchange pleasantries, smile, be courteous, polite, no deep conversations, etc...This was after a few run-ins with him.
After reading something another member wrote I am wondering if my boundaries are perpetuating my own irritablility. I hope it is ok to quote them. This is what I read.
"It's easy to look outside myself and ask what's wrong with others. I get a truer answer when I ask, "What's going on with them and what's my part in it."
Well, this is my question. By doing the above am I causing more friction between us? Can boundaries backfire? Maybe I need to reassess? I may not have total peace with his presence in the house with the choice I made to keep him at a distance, but isn't that better than going completely crazy by letting myself behave like I used to which was to do whatever it took to make the person like me and when that failed slap the martyr sticker across my forehead. I'm having a hard time sucking it up and being nice to him.
I only need to get through another month, but I would like to do it with some semblence of sanity intact! I am becoming irritable, more short tempered, less tolerant of the most important people in my life ( my son, husband, and myself!). My father-in-law being back in the home has thrown off my serenity. I thought I was beyond this, but I guess I was wrong. It's easy to tell myself not to care about what he thinks, says, or lives, but I do care. I don't really want to, but there you have it. It is reminding my of my relationship with my husband before recovery. I hated my A, but I won't completely abandon him, and I loved him. I just din't like what he was doing.
Just writing it out helps me gain some perspective. Thanks for letting me do this!
That's a hard call but probably true if I let go of my martyrdom. Kinda like which one came first the chicken or the egg. I am like that with my AH. I think that it is all his fault but what is my part in all this. So now I am left with why does he treat me like this. If I treated him better would it change for me. In my mind he treats me slightly above the cashier at the grocery store - courteous, polite, no deep conversations. To protect himself but it drives me crazy because it feels like invalidation. Hmmm, lot to think about this morning.
wow!! hard call on that one too......what would i do in ur case?????? be kind/ but also detached i would think.....if he is judgemental and putting people down??? well if it were directed at me, i would immediately tell him that i don't accept that kind of behaviour and i will remove myself from the conversation if it occurs.....otherwise, if he is behaving in a good/ healthy manner, enjoy the positive when it is there..........
its a hard call with him living there, but people who "judge---pick on" they will do it until their targets say "STOP--- i will NOT allow this directed at me"........i notice that they don't bother me a fraction as much becuz the boundaries go up...........but i have to stand on the boundary once i set it....if i let anyone "bust" my boundaries, than they are not going to take me seriously.......
this is just my take on what i have done.........please use what works, discard the rest, rosie
