The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading, the author shares that, since they had adult responsibilities even as a child, it wasn't a surprise that they grew up to be a care taker. It was automatic and comfortable to put whatever crisis and needs of another in front of their own needs. When the author realized that this was a form of self-destruction, they determined instead to become as self-involved and uncaring as possible.
Today, the author looks back on this decision with gratitude that they weren't able to make such a radical change. They are still a care taker, but today they value that characteristic and understand that it is important to approach that characteristic with balance, nurturing others AND themselves.
Today's Reminder: Today I will try not to condemn parts of myself while accepting other parts. I am a composite, and I love myself best when I embrace all that I am.
Today's Quote: "My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents, and I lay them both at His feet." Mahatma Gandhi
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Today's reading reminds me of some of the step work I've done with groups in the past. In our western society, it can be normal to see things as good OR bad, positive OR negative. I've learned instead to think of character defects as strengths that I'm using out of proportion, or out of balance. Thinking about them in this way helps me to understand that there are good reasons for my actions in the past, and that I have the ability to decide to use my strengths differently so that I'm using them in a balanced and healthy way.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Finding a balance is key but also very hard for me.
I have always put everyone else before myself,in every way. The past few months though I have been doing things for myself such as buying myself things. I would never do that before just in case someone else needs the money. I haven't spent a huge amount or anything,but little things I like and want feel pretty good. So this has been a gigantic leap for me.
Being a "caretaker" doesn't always have to be a bad thing. Not too long ago someone told me they've always known since childhood if they were around me t I would make sure they ate something. And even as an adult they know and appreciate that I will do the same(and I have). After growing up as a hungry child, it's always been my thing to feed everyone when they come around. I guess I didn't realize how much of a good thing it was until this person let me know. And honestly,I didn't know he was doing without in childhood until he told me this. I had been trying to fight this,what I felt was an insane urge to feed others,for quite awhile.
It did make me take a step back and look at my caretaking. It's not a flaw, it's just something I need to continue figuring out what is too much and self sacrificing and what is from my heart.
Have a good day everyone.
-- Edited by SunnyFrog on Wednesday 23rd of February 2022 02:43:40 PM
Hello Skorpi and Sunny! Thank you for your service in sharing on this great topic.
"Character defects" as assets that have been over-used or misused is something I have been discussing with my sponsor. It seems to involve self-forgiveness as well as balance. Balance can be quite challenging.
Caregiving can be such a wonderful trait. Where would we be if nobody cared or put in effort to help others? But at the same time, I need to check in with myself, am I setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm?
It has helped me to remember that the Biblical saying "Love thy neighbor as thyself" does not say "more than thyself." To me it suggests keeping a balance between caring for myself and caring for others.
Happy Hump Day MIP family. I am reminded how black/white, right/wrong all/nothing my thinking was when I arrived. I have learned more about 'shades of gray' and while what I believe is right for me, it may not be right for another.
With progress, not perfection, I've also practiced 'chunking' things...for me, this means, I now consider it a win if I get part of a project done, versus obsessing until it was complete. I've come to realize that my perfectionist tendencies poured into everything - caretaking, projects, work, family, etc. I have learned to finally find joy in the daily journey vs. the destination.
I am one who needed these changes in my thinking to better understand my inventory efforts and what was revealed. I have come to believe and accept that the many defects of character I documented are actually assets which I (unintentionally, unconsciously) exploited at times. All of 'these findings' intertwine around perfectionism and expectations. I can honestly say that who I was trying to be was not only impossible, it was exhausting.
Many around me believe I've mellowed with age. I just smile, with gratitude, as I know my more 'mellow' approach in actually recovery in action. I have redirected my passionate spirit from 'helping/controlling others' to safeguarding my peace/sanity/serenity.
So, I 'did a thing' yesterday, and chopped my hair off. Since having babies almost 30 years ago, my hair grows fast and I began a journey of donating it for wigs. I cut off 10 inches in April of last year, at home after watching some YouTube Videos...it turned out good enough for me and so, I chopped another 9 inches yesterday. I feel as if I've lost 5 pounds with no effort!! Ha.ha.ha.
Trust me when I say I would never have had the courage to cut my own hair before recovery. I am not sure I would have done it had it not been for the pandemic. Now, I don't know that I'll ever return to a salon...time will tell! Peace to all...make it a great day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Skorpi, and everyone.
I can certainly recognise this pattern; when I realised I was putting everyone else's needs above my own and not caring for myself at all, I was pretty brutal in my approach and "detached with an axe" as I have often heard people say around here. I think in some ways this was a good thing in the short term as it helped me move away from a very damaging relationship and it also alerted those close to me that I would no longer be serving everyone else at the expense of myself, and that I wouldn't be servicing other people's drama at all.
Of course as a mother, daughter, sister and friend it's not possible to maintain relationships and serve only myself or ignore other people's "drama" entirely and being parent to a teenager kind of demands a willingness to at least listen sympathetically to stories and concerns that feel needlessly dramatic. In fact it's tempting to dismiss a lot of my daughter's dramatic outpourings, especially of the "he said/she said" variety but instead I am trying to recognise that she has learned a lot of that care-taker/ getting involved in others drama and taking on their worries from me! So instead I need to patiently listen and try to help her learn healthier approaches to other people's problems and behaviour. This is actually quite topical at the moment as her best friend seems to be having mental health issues and I am watching my daughter take it personally, try to "fix it" and then become frustrated so it's an important time for me to reflect on how I have done this in the past, and how to best guide her away from over-caring/ managing people without over-caring or managing her myself!
Such a balancing act. I'm super grateful to have people and program to steady me.
Thanks Skorpi for your service and all above ESH. The word "caretaker" stuck with me as I read the shares. I became a caretaker I believe to compensate for all the fear I had as a kid, the unstable environment, and parents who were unable to control a raging child. I guess I started trying to make things right at an early age, and I never could make things right. I went into the field of mental health to continue this trend, and as an adult tried to fix many problems with my FOO. The lesson I've learned in alanon is priceless. I've switched my focus to taking care of me, I no longer try to fix my family, and I'm retired from my career. It is a great relief.
