The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's writer in Hope for Today learned that, when listing all persons they had harmed, to put their own name on the list for amends.
Making amends would mean changing their harmful behaviors, and it couldn't be done all at once. It had to be done in small steps, and they could forgive themselves for slipping up in this process.
Quote from Paths to Recovery: "I didn't realize that I had harmed myself more than anyone else."
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By coincidence, I am working with my sponsor on Step 6 -- being ready to have God remove my defects of character. To do this, I am reviewing my Fourth Step and listing the defects I discovered. As I do this, I remember that at least some of my defects were assets that were over-used or misused. For example, when I lowered my self-esteem or my assertiveness to "blend in" and please other people, this allowed me sometimes to be abused. These defects hurt me. My resentments hurt me because when I resent, I am carrying around negative feelings.
Some of the harmful behaviors listed in this reading are also on my list of character defects -- such as saying yes when I wanted to say no, and stuffing my feelings when I was angry or afraid.
Knowing how my defects hurt me makes me willing to have them removed, and to be replaced with a better version of those characteristics. People-pleasing can morph into kindness that helps others but that does not diminish me. It avoids setting myself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I liked this reading very much. I remember the first time this was suggested to me and it was such a foreign concept. I recall being asked, if another person was telling you about this defect and judging themself so harshly, what would you say to them? Recently I have had this posed to me as "if your daughter was saying these critical things to herself how would you respond?" and that really has an impact on me and helps me be more compassionate towards myself. And since the topic of resentment is a big one for me this week, I can really apply this ESH about harming myself with resentment immediately! So thank you FT, this was exactly what I needed to read just now!
Thanks FT for your service and for all the above ESH. As DM said, I too, am constantly taking my own inventory, to see what I should keep, what I should throw away, and of course, what things need work! My first sponsor practically insisted putting myself on the list of people I had harmed, and the people I needed to make amends to. For me as well, this was a completely foreign concept--forgiving me??? Having a number of years now in program, I treat myself in a much kinder and respectful way, the same way I try to treat others. I ask HP to remove my character defects on a regular basis, for I no longer desire to have them!
I enjoy reading shares and feel like I truly am back to the beginning with all of this stuff. You would assume a majority of it would have stuck,maybe it did,IDK,and maybe I just need to practice everything I did learn.
When I think about all the ways I have harmed myself(and others) with all my crazy behaviors through the years it seems so unforgivable. I always wish I could undo things and still beat myself up over some of them. I heard though that before we can learn to forgive others we need to learn self forgiveness. Maybe I do need to cut myself some slack. I just need to figure out how to do that.
I also still get angry for allowing myself to be a doormat at times and all the things I went through,overlooked,etc. I need to forgive myself because I used to believe I didn't deserve better.
I will stop there,LOL. Some things are better left to therapy rather than over-sharing.
Thank you Freetime and everyone that has shared. Forgiving myself began with accepting the person I truly am-good and bad. I am not an instigator, however, I react poorly when pushed too far. Usually I suppress and then comes a day when I let loose. That's where most damage has been done to self or others. So instead of seething in silence, I apply a slogan, a step, detach , pray , bend my sponsor's ear, exercise...anything but let it fester. I can't undo the past-most of my ugly behaviours were steeped in fear /resentment and I did the best I knew how at the time. I am so thankful to have the willingness to treat myself with TLC and when I screw up, I shrug because I am "perfectly imperfect." Today we have picture perfect powdery snow and it's beginning to feel a lot like ...spring is around the corner! lol Have a great day.
Thank you Freetime for your service and the daily. I was so defeated when I arrived, I had gone from the 'fight' stage to 'flight' stage. I was so overwhelmed with worry, anxiety, fear, etc. that I did not even know who I was, what I needed or how to climb out of the abyss of despair.
Truly, I just tried baby step suggestions from others who came before me. I grew up as the youngest and only daughter, so spent my early years just trying to be heard. This carried over into adulthood and I did 'need' to get the last word in, offer a thought on any/every topic, event, etc. as well as tried to solve other's problems constantly - when nobody asked me. This habit of focusing on everyone and everything besides 'me' was entrenched - so much so, I truly didn't know where/how to begin.
I found peace, strength and acceptance in the realization that I am designed by one smarter than I and am designed to be perfectly imperfect. It is in this program and the steps that I also came to accept that I was designed to make mistakes - not to fail but to learn and so long as I clean up my mess and learn, I can amend myself, my thoughts and my choices.
I also heavily rely on the Pause. I take the time to ask myself what I really 'need' in this moment. This helps me keep my mouth closed more often, offer empathy if needed, say Yes when I want/need to and to also say No when I want/need to. For so much of my life, my self esteem was tied into what I did vs. who I am. I've spent tons of time working on this - the steps helped tremendously.
The best way I know to practice amends to myself is to practice self care and truly put myself first. When I am focused on keeping me healthy and growing spiritually, I am finding I have healthier responses (vs. reactions) to life on life's terms. I'm very grateful to Al-Anon for my recovery as well as to those who came before me...I am a much better, healthier person than when I arrived!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
