The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, 12/6, talks about discovering that they have anger towards the alcoholic. At first the writer felt more whole and powerful, but it was not expressed in a healthy way. Alanon helped the author focus on themself, look for their part, and accept being powerless. The writer learned to get angry, express the feelings in a constructive way, and then let go. In the reminder it is said that anger can give one an illusion of power, such as control over the situation and other people, but it is a false sense of security.
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My situation was a little different: when I started program I knew I was enraged at my A, and myself, for not accomplishing the change I desired. But I too, had to learn about where to focus, accept my powerlessness, and come to terms with my part. Those were not easy lessons for me, but extremely important. Recently I have become aware that I have developed some genuine empathy for my A, and I believe that helps me behave in a softer and kinder manner. I also think if I can do my part consistently, this will only have a positive impact on our marriage.
Lyne, thank you for sharing this page. I don't believe I've read this one before -- and boy, can I relate. I became so, so angry as alcoholism progressed to make havoc in the lives of my husband and me. I didn't have knowledge of the disease then, so I was just angry at him. And sometimes got angry at the doctors and nurses who were trying to help him.
Now I know better, and I like the message that it is OK to be angry, to express the feelings in a healthy way, and them let them go. I think sometimes anger can propel me to improve a situation -- if it's something I truly have an influence on, such as my own actions. What I think about anger now is that it's a nice place to visit but I don't want to live there.
Good Morning Lyne and Freetime. I was deeply moved by "...behaving in a kinder softer manner". I also have learned to be gentle with my husband because I've opened my heart to understand his illnesses and empathize with him. I was a ball of fear pre-Alanon, however, through the 12 step process, I discovered full force anger/resentment hidden underneath...unwilling to admit it because it would reflect poorly on me. Anyways, by accepting and working with my sponsor on issues as they come up, I have learned I had squelched that part of me before I met my husband. As Freetime said, I've learned to express it in a healthy manner (no sarcasm, no silent scorn, no fantasies of getting even, bs smile...) and by doing so, I advocate and ask for my needs which helps me and my loved ones far more than my previous practices. I stay in the moment and experience joy daily regardless of circumstances. I can't believe I am grateful to have been put through the wringer . (yikes) I have deeper,
meaningful relationships with HP, self and others. Thank you for your service.
