The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's author talks about being sure that the nightmare would be over once the alcoholic they loved got sober. But without the tranquilising effect of alcohol, she became verbally abusive. She accused, attacked, insulted and the author always defended themself. It seemed crucial that the AP understand. But that didn't happen, no matter how much they argued, pleaded or insulted in return. They felt trapped and hopeless.
The author notes that sobriety brings change, but it doesn't take away all the problems. Al-Anon helps us learn that we don't have to accept the unacceptable, nor do we have to argue back or convince another person that we're innocent or right. We can begin to recognise when we are dealing with an alcoholic's insanity and detach. We certainly don't have to respond by doubting ourselves.
Today's reminder - when cruel words fly from the mouth of another person, whether drunk or sober, Al-Anon helps me remember that I have choices. Perhaps I can say the Serenity Prayer to myself, or refuse to discuss the topic any further. I can listen without taking the words personally; I can leave the room, change the subject, make an Al-Anon call, or explore other alternatives. My Sponsor can help me to discover options that seem right for me.
"We may never have the choices we would have if we were writing the script, but we always have choices." In All Our Affairs
I was certainly guilty of thinking if only my AH would stop drinking then all would be well. The reality was that I got the most peace when he had drunk so much that he was unconscious. The 'sober' version of him was unpredictable and I lived a lot of my life in a state of hypervigilance. I also waited for the relatively sober periods so I could tell him exactly what I thought of him - hoping that he would see the light and change.
Through Al-Anon I learned to look beyond the alcohol and look at the behaviour and whether that was acceptable to me regardless of whether alcohol was involved or not. Through removing myself from the situation I consistently said through my actions what I would and would not tolerate - these were my boundaries.
No matter how bad the situation got, I told myself I had choices and it was knowing that I had these choices which brought me serenity.
I related, and took away a great deal from these two shares today!
Grateful.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thanks Bt for your service and for all above ESH. Learning that I had choices is a very important part of my life and my recovery. Feeling trapped and stuck was never good. My serenity no longer depends upon my A. Thank you program! That was a very slippery slope with a negative outcome time after time. So I also had to learn that I alone am responsible for my day and my mood and my accomplishments. I no longer depend on others for these needs/activities. Its quite a relief actually. Grateful member.
Aloha Ladies and thank you for the sane support in you sharing. I am glad I showed up this afternoon with the cold and rain showers and wind outside. When I decided to sit and open the program the sun came out over my shoulder which caused me to chuckle. My HP does and has for a while given me note when I am abided by it's love and concern. My wife and I watched a squirrel running up and down one of our trees making due collecting nuts and having a time of it. I don't have anything to be concerned about except a loss of control over my serenity when I should not let that happen. For now I'm okay and that is okay. I will continue to hang around here and read, read, read. ((((hugs))))
