The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is especially helpful to those of us who are adult children of alcoholics. The writer describes her attempts to create a perfect family when she got married at age 20. Her parents had divorced, and she was determined to have a marriage that thrived. As problems came to the surface, the writer made it her lifes work to smooth them over. She also associated all problems with her husbands drinking, turning it into a project for her to solve and fix. She used a phrase that jumped out at me when describing her attempts to be loving enough to fix all of this: not only did she feel isolated but also in a state of spiritual poverty. What an accurate way to describe where so many of us have been! Her eventual work in al-anon helped her to see the part her upbringing in an alcoholic house had, and the impact on her adult life. While still surrounded by alcoholism, she learned that she cannot control anyone elses drinking.
Once in a while there is a reading that resonates with such strength I feel that I could have written it myself. I didnt know it at the time, but I think my marriage at a young age, into a family steeped in alcoholism, was my attempt to fix some of the harm that alcoholism caused during my childhood. Of course not only did that not work, the drinking issue became a focal point in what I saw all problems could be traced to. Not having any of the program tools, it was very easy to blame all problems on drinking (and of course there WERE many problems directly tied to drinking); a cycle was put in place and I was unable to break out of it until I came here.
The sentence from Al-Anon Sharings from Adult Children (p.3) reminds us: In Al-Anon, children of alcoholics find the tools that enable them to put the past to rest, to forgive and go on to meaningful adult lives.
Thank you Mary for today's reading, your service and your heartfelt ESH.
I did not grow up in an alcoholic atmosphere and had never been exposed to alcoholism. I knew it existed, but not first hand.
My knowledge of alcoholism began from scratch when I found MIP, the responses from you all was an epiphany!!! Alcoholism I learned, is such a mind alternating addiction that I truly did not know that it turned people into, sometimes, raging unreasonable narcissists (in my case)!!!
I wanted AH to stop the verbal assaults, control and put downs he ladled me, but had no idea that the drinking was connected.
Yes the Al-Anon tools enabled me to to put the past aside and use them to understand and control my pain by standing aside and to find the meaning in my life whether AH drank or not.
Very grateful member!!
Happy Sunday MIP Family!!
{{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it
does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown
Thank you Mary for your service today, and Deb and TT for such meaningful shares!
I am currently working on putting the past to rest, to forgive, and to lead a meaningful life - for myself! Progress not Perfection for sure, as it seems the more stable my life becomes, the more resentment I am carrying about the life I "could've had." I know and accept it was my choice to choose "Me" and leave the marriage, but I am angry that I was forced to make that choice. So, daily work for me.
Today I am grateful for:
The ESH of MIP members Cooler temps A day off of work Good health
Enjoy your Sunday!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Happy Sunday MIP family. Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares & ESH. I was not (knowingly) raised with active alcoholism. Yet, both of my parents are untreated ACoA(s), as both of their fathers were alcoholics. One early in life - disrupting the family, blowing the paychecks, etc. The other, later in life, lonely after the daughters moved out (3 of 4).
I was raised with the unattainable expectation of perfection - perfect family, perfect home, perfect children, grades, yard, cars, etc. I see 'this' as one byproduct of how the disease affected my parents in their youth/upbringing. Imagine at the ripe age of early 20's when I was a bonafide drunk/druggie - completely dependent, out of control, alone and full of disgust and despair.
Over the years, from sources other than my parents, I know now the actual history of this disease in my blood line. It does not bring comfort, yet helps me see that it is the disease, and not me of others afflicted with it as the problem. This disease takes good people, smart people and big-hearted people and changes them in ways for which I can't often find the words.
For me, over and over again, I've tried to 'be' something I wasn't for the betterment of another. With time in recovery, age/stage & some wisdom after many, many disappointing outcomes, I know now that when I am not authentic and true to me, it is the first step of a detour I'm better off not taking. I truly believe now that I can never be what another expects/wants me to be - I can only be me - perfectly imperfect. Once I accepted this truth about and for me, I applied it to others. It's unhealthy and unrealistic for me to expect another to be something they are not - no matter 'what' that may be.
For me, at any point I am disappointed in another, I truly need to pause long enough to ask, "What is it about me that allows what another does/says affect me so deeply that I am willing to give away my serenity & joy?" I believe deeply that my serenity and my joy are completely dependent upon my ability to accept and love self and others unconditionally. Recovery has given me many, many tools to practice life on life's terms and acceptance. I am grateful beyond words.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
