The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reader the author talks about having a nagging suspicion that they weren't doing their Step 4 inventory right. With their HPs help, they finally realised that it wasn't that they had done their Fourth Step wrong, but rather that they had the same sense of inadequacy about their whole life. Whatever they were doing, they were inclined to feel that they were doing it wrong and that their best wasn't good enough.
The awareness they developed through their Step 4 inventory put their self doubt into perspective and they acknowledged it was just an effect of years of living with problem drinkers. When the feeling comes up, they recognise it, share about it, accept they feel it and set it aside. They no longer assume it has an validity.
Today's reminder - Step 4 offers me a chance to find some balance. It helps me identify things I've been telling myself about myself, and to learn whether or not those things are true. Today I will take one of my assumptions about myself and hold it up to the light. I may find that it stems from habit rather than reality,
"Let me realise....that self-doubt and self-hate are defects of character that hinder my growth" - The Dilemma of an Alcoholic Marriage
For a long time I balked at the idea of doing my Step 4. I already knew I was damaged. I felt worthless and guilty that I had allowed myself and my children to live in chaos for so long. When I finally decided to come to Al-Anon rather than be proud that I was taking active steps for self recovery, instead I berated myself for not doing it sooner, which only added to my sense of personal failure.
I bristled at the term 'defects of character' - I was already worthless. Did I really need to shine even further light on what was wrong with me?
With my sponsor, I first worked on my sense of self worth and changed the way I was viewing Step 4. I took each character and looked at it, not as a 'defect' but rather a character trait which may be helping or hindering me in my journey to self-care and worked on dialling down, dialling up or eliminating each in line with my personal value system and goal of living a respectful and serene life, which valued myself and was respectful to others.
Some areas were higher priorities to work on than others - because they infiltrated my whole life. One trait was not feeling good enough, but like the author of today's reader, I learned to examine it, understand where it came from and test whether it was really valid. Once I developed enough self-esteem and self-worth through the program, I could choose to say it no longer had validity.
It's been a tough road and I still slip back sometimes. But I accept I am human.
Thanks BT for your service and above ESH. Step 4 felt dreadful, shameful, and embarrassing to me, the first time I did the Steps with my sponsor. But she helped me change my attitude about step 4 and about myself as well. The second time I did the steps with my sponsor, I felt ready for this challenge. I looked at it as an opportunity for growth. That's what the steps are all about--helping me/us to live the best life we can. There is no shame/blame involved. Grateful member.
Good morning, BT and friends, and thank you for sharing on Step 4. Just a coincidence, I am in the midst of working Step 4 for the second time, with my new sponsor, and more thoroughly than I did before. I love the idea that our characteristics are things we can dial up or dial down to make our lives more manageable and more serene. What the steps call "defects of character," my sponsor has learned to call "coping mechanisms." I was surprised at how much self-forgiveness I have been able to find. Also a grateful member!
