The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading the author talks about struggling to understand the slogan, "Live and Let Live". They asked themselves the question "how do I turn my eyes on myself and 'live' for the first time in my life?"
Their sponsor asked them a question in turn - "what have you done earlier today?" Although the author had been very busy, they could barely remember what they had been doing. Their sponsor suggested that they begin learning how to live by becoming more aware of their life as they were already living it so that they would then be able to make choices about how they wanted to live.
Searching for their 'real self', living according to their need and loving themselves as a new found friend became one of their most rewarding benefits of the Al-Anon program.
Today's reminder - Today I can choose to take responsibility for my own life. If I stay out of others' affairs and become more aware of my own, I have a good chance of finding some serenity.
"Each man's life represents a road towards himself." - Hermann Hesse
This reading speaks to me at two levels. Firstly, recognising that before Al-Anon, my main slogan in life seemed to be "Others need to live the life I choose for them, because I know best". Certainly with my AH, I believed he would be better, everything would be better if only he stopped drinking. So that became my passion - cajoling, begging, manipulating, controlling, pleading....everything to try and stop his drinking. Of course it didn't make a jot of difference to him - he probably drank more.
The second level, and what I have come to realise is the most important, is that I totally lost myself in the process. I was too busy trying to live everyone else's lives for them because deep down I didn't believe I was worthy enough to have a good life of my own and nor did I really know who I was.
Al-Anon helped me to understand and accept my self worth. Going to meetings where I was held emotionally in a safe space, where I was not judged and where I could be with people who were walking a similar road helped me to build my self esteem up, bit by bit. My Step 4 inventory and further work on understanding my core values allowed me to understand who I am and draw up a blue print for how I wanted to live my life. Now each day, I have a flexible plan for the day which I check against those values and which helps to keep me on track and bring me serenity. Most importantly, the list is about me. I no longer meddle in other's affairs. This has also had wonderful benefits in my parenting skills - I still take the role of a parent and set gentle, appropriate boundaries, but I also let my children make their own decisions and live their own lives at an appropriate level.
BT, what a great reading and your ESHthank you. I also did the begging, pleading, trying to force solutions, etc., and yes I lost myself too. And of course I knew exactly what my A should be doing! Becoming my own best friend was a foreign concept which my sponsor helped me with. Prior to alanon I was stuck on seeing only my flaws. What a horrible place to be that was. I am a calmer, happier person since program, and since I stopped trying to fix my A, I think thats made a positive impact as well. Grateful member.
Thank you BT for great message and the ESH shared. It activated my sound mind! I sat for hours waiting for AH to wake so I could make us breakfast and it dawned on me to feed myself (I was starving) and let him eat when he's ready. Simple but I make things hard. Next, put pen to paper and create a to do list that suits my needs . I gave myself permission to relax on chores (I'm a neat freak) and use the day to catch up with my sponsor (she's back from vacation). I like the idea of drawing up a blueprint...reminds me to continue with Step 4...
Thank you Bettertomorrow for a great reading and share!
Sometimes I do take exception to some readings. Either in full, or parts. Al-Anon has helped me try and understand them better... from a different viewpoint... and I think that is always good! I identified with your share b/c I did those things too, thinking I could control the situation. But the situation had gotten to a point that I no longer could manage a sane life!
I did not marry an addict. Because my mother smoked (I was highly allergic) and my father used alcohol, I specifically chose someone who did not do those things. Said person knew my boundaries/beliefs regarding substances. We lived on the same page, and It was important to me to be the wife who "allowed" (the term used back then) their husband freedom (within the agreement of our marriage contract). You see, when I was a Freshman in college, we had broken up a year b/c he wanted more "freedom" and I was "controlling." So when we eventually came back together, I vowed to be the exact opposite. This carried into my marriage. I thought I was doing a great job. We were blissfully happy for the first 5 years. Well, Addiction ruined all of that. So yes, for years I believed if my spouse would just stop abusing substances, we would go back to that happy life. As the years progressed, I became very, very good at juggling all the balls so that my marriage/life appeared "normal" so that I could believe I was happy.
Where I believe I failed was that I didn't understand Addiction for the beast it is. I didn't know how the chemicals change the brain. I kept hoping for better results. If we just did X, Y, & Z, we could have it all back!! The reality is that Addiction doesn't work that way. The moment I stopped hoping to get back what was, and focused on Acceptance, that is when I began to heal. MYSELF.
It took Al-Anon to help me realize that I could do nothing to heal my spouse. However, the plus side is that this program has helped me to be a better mother while I transition to parenting a young adult still living at home -- not always easy! LOL!
Thank you for allowing me the space to get this out...I've needed to let it go for awhile now.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you BT for your service and the daily...thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I too fell into the 'trap' of thinking it was my job to make everyone happy and to ensure all were safe, doing the right thing, etc. Needless to say, my 'isms' existed long before the disease of alcoholism brought them 'forward' - I just didn't know that then nor did I even begin to see these as potential elements of my own disease.
I do life differently today and feel tons more free. I no longer blame the disease or the diseased nor dwell for too long in past events. Instead, I practice gratitude, recall fun memories and believe deep within me that all that's happened is part of the plan for my life, with more to be revealed.
At every point, I use the pause. My 'isms' exist beyond my qualifiers - my desire to plan, control, manage, monitor, mother extend far, far greater. When I am able to pause to pray before I proceed, I do get guidance often to live my own life in this one day and let others live their own life as desired/planned. It's taken me a while working on recovery to figure out what within me makes me tick and working hard to change those attitudes and false beliefs. I can still forget that I am powerless over all other people, places and things - not nearly as long as before.
Happy Saturday all - opened the golf course this morning and am headed out to golf in a while. Tomorrow is the reverse! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
