The first chapter of  Intimacy in Alcoholic Relationships has members' shares about various experiences about how someone else's alcoholism affected their feelings about their own value, their sexual relationships, and their need for closeness and intimacy.

On page 24, a member shares that in the past they had always put their focus on other people, but had not developed a relationship with self.  Working the steps with a sponsor helped their intimate relationships because knowing they could share all their secrets with another human being and a higher power, they became more willing to share themselves with others.

On page 25, a member shares that someday, they would like to be married and to have an intimate relationship with a spouse.  Working the Fourth and Fifth Steps in  "excruciating" depth, they are finally seeing into themselves, and they keep coming back to this knowledge of self in preparation for a future marriage.

I relate to the importance of self-knowledge and self-acceptance as the basis for all my close relationships. I have heard that intimacy means  into-me-I-see. Self-acceptance is important because I am with myself 24 hours a day, and I have to bring myself to all my relationships.  I have to be able to trust myself before I can trust being open and vulnerable with someone else. Without knowing and accepting who I am and what I need, I am at risk of being in an unhappy or even dangerous relationship.

One of the questions the end of this chapter is: "In what ways am I willing to share my inner thoughts and feelings with another person? In what ways am I willing to admit these things to myself?"  For me, step work with a sponsor has been a helpful way of sharing very deep feelings -- and has been safe because, for one thing, I had to examine my assets before examining my defects.  This lets me do this work from a position of strength.  I share the really true deep stuff with my sponsor and a couple of friends who are familiar with living with alcoholism and with Al-Anon. Other people get the edited version, and that is OK, because I can use my judgment about intimacy.