The material presented
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Hello everyone! I stumbled on this forum today when googling something and realized I created an account here about five years ago right before DH overdosed and got sober. I am so grateful to have found this again. Im back in al anon and loving it. So many useful tools to remind me to keep in my lane.
im wondering if anyone is living with (or has experience with) a dry drunk? Although my husband hasnt used drugs or alcohol since December 2016 he has never worked his program properly. Off and on hell go to meetings but typically it comes after a huge rage fest in our home (mostly aimed at me).
has anyone ever lived with a dry drunk? Im finding it almost as chaotic as living with an active user. Hes angry, depressed, anxious, sometimes not mentally present and omg always looking for a fight with me. Its so hard to oC parent our four and eight year old boys when hes like this!
todays tool That I heard about on a podcast is dont pick up the rope oh my goodness love it so much! thank you everyone
Welcome back, PrissyKitty. I know you will get some great experience, strength and hope here.
I don't have your exact experience of dry drunk -- well, I can never be certain if my loved one had been drinking or not -- but I certainly experienced that negative, wanting-to-argue attitude. I never wanted to get into arguments -- and it was hard listening to him try to "rile up" other family members. I love the saying "Don't pick up the rope." Also "Don't take the bait." And "Don't get in the cage with the gorilla."
Al-Anon has helped me figure out what to do with myself when I am not in the cage, not hooked on the bait, and not holding onto the rope. I can imagine this must be very hard with two young children to care for.
YES! Brutal! Living with the rage(ing) of a dry drunk is so tough! I did not discover Al-Anon until mine was working AA and had 15 years of dry drunkenness under his belt. I imagine program would have been very helpful in those crazy moments when he blamed meor the multitudes of others for his unhappiness.
Bbrave YES!!!! Blaming everyone and everything in his life for his depression and anxiety and rage!!! Even when I dont take. the bait it becomes someone at work or his FOO!!!!
Thank you for sharing that youve seen it! Helps to remind me that Im not crazy
Welcome back Prissykitty - good to see you again. I believe I have lived with and experienced all facets of a sober qualifier and it can be maddening. When my boys were smaller, (before Al-Anon for me) I just made a decision that my AH was not reliable and parented alone. If he happened to be 'present' and 'able' to participate, I accepted it as a break/gift. In other words, co-parenting was not really possible full-time.
As I reflect, I do feel fortunate that he traveled a ton for his job. It did give me some breaks (needed) from much of the insanity. Also, as I reflect, most of our biggest arguments had everything to do with my expectations of a co-parent/partner or the kids, both of which now seem small - then, not at all....I was often overwhelmed!
I do wish I had found Al-Anon when my boys were smaller. The stress & anxiety I felt was clearly passed on to them both. I did not know how to accept that which I could not change nor did I know how to detach or have healthy boundaries! I applaud you for knowing it's all better when we are able to stay in our own lane -- not always easy yet rewarding.
Keep doing what you're doing and my best personal course of action when one of mine are 'in my face, picking a fight' is to repeat over and over in my mind - 'Bless Them, Change Me'....my abbreviated serenity prayer.
I did find 2 places in my home where mine won't follow to rant - the bathroom & the laundry room. I've spent some quality time in both to 'detach physically'. When I don't engage, they tend to move along. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you so much for the responses. I agree the term dry drunk is judgmental. Ive used it as an insult when I made the mistake of engaging and nagging and blaming. Im learning now. Observe but dont judge.
So many great tools here. So grateful for this site and the program.
@iamhere you are totally correct! Im in the mentality now that kind of assumes Ill be handling the majority of parenting alone and when/if he decides to join I just embrace it. A lot of it has to do with how I manage my expectations. Heard an amazing podcast about choosing when to set a boundary in parenting and really getting out of his way when he does choose to engage with the kids.
I hear you! I know for me that when I have lost my peace or serenity, more often than not, it's related to my own expectations. I do believe and have experienced peace and serenity in spite of what others are doing, or not doing and that makes me keep coming back!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hello PK and welcome back. My A is active now and then, but without alcohol treatment I am trying to keep my expectations low. My A does attend a different 12 step program, and that has made some improvements. What I find most maddening is my A making illogical, irrational, and/or untruthful statements. Lately I have not done a good job of keeping the focus on myself. Without alanon I think I would have lost it by now. The help and wisdom shared with me through this board, my F2F meeting now on zoom, a wonderful sponsor, and program friends, are helping me to have a fairly sane life. Progress not perfection! Keep coming back. :)
