Gratitude 

One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful. -Sigmund Freud

When I am struggling with something today, it is so easy for me to get caught up in my fears and suffering and start questioning why me? As I have grown and progressed in recovery, I have recently realized that every time I am in fear or in pain, it mirrors some issues or circumstances from my past that I have not yet worked through. Today, when I find myself in a painful situation, I realize that my Higher Power is not punishing me or toying with me. Instead, I realize my Higher Power is giving me an opportunity to heal from old wounds by presenting me with the opportunity to work through the situation again. Though it is a struggle and very difficult to actually work through these issues, looking back on my recovery, I find those times that I was working through issues to be the times for which I was the most grateful, for those were the times that provide me with the strength I need for today.

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Well they say if I don't learn the first time, lesson will keep coming....I am still very fear based regarding, "am I gonna be able to provide for me as I age??"  this goes WAY back to being left at home with mom upstairs drunk and unable to provide for us kids,  him out looking for more prey,  and WE kids are left with no utilities (winters are hell in Massachusetts even WITH heat)  and NO FOOD..so i had to rob the next door neighbor's milkman and breadman to feed us....so the fear of not being able to provide for me is deep and it is down to my SOUL pretty much....I know I have to be willing, at least, to let that go,  to be able to trust in me and the universe part that is within me,  that super conscious that was never damaged so badly by the dysfunction......