The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's writer notes the result of focusing on the what/where/whys of others: inner turmoil. Improvement and progress depend upon the changes I make in my own perceptions and thinking.
Reminder: I can change nothing but myself. By accepting that the main source of unhappiness lies within me, I begin the process of changing and am closer to the rewards that come with it.
"My happiness cannot possibly depend on my forcing changes in somebody else. Nor does my misery come from anyone but myself." - unattributed ------------------ My own growth and recovery changes how I perceive the landscape, and others around me. When feeling the rewards it is difficult to not want others around you to benefit similarly. Their higher power may, however, have them working on other lessons.
Focus on myself calls for me to mind my own business even well along in my recovery and wish to 'help' others. Suggesting something repeatedly is a form of control that reveals expectations and a focus on others.
Alanon accurately predicts what follows for me when I allow my focus to remain on others: loss of Serenity. I am grateful for the reminders
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Paul for your service and for above ESH. This focusing on myself was a difficult lesson to learn, after having spent about 15 yrs trying to change my A who has multiple addictions. This was just such a strange concept as I didnt see how damaged I was and could only focus on my A. Now fast forward after having a number of years in program, this focus on myself is just the most logical and important skill to practice. Grateful member.
I think it is incredible difficult in a pandemic to.focus on ourselves The issue for me is that I can no longer afford emotionally to have addicts alcoholics in my life. They come with too much chaos. They have no boundaries. They bring around the same Nevertheless I certainly do deal with alcoholics addicts at work and in other settings I have limits now I am not their punching bag Lots of limits I have had to look at during my 8.years with the qualifier I had opportunities to leave. They would have been hard. I did not leave I kept being his punch bag. He regularly obliterated any boundary I had. He went after them with a vengeance I kept letting him just totally bombard my boundaries Bombarding is a technique used by many narcissists They obliterate any boundary in front of them and they are really good st dressing that up. I currently work around certain people who.bombsrd boundaries Set a boundary they lash out with a vengeance. Once I find out they are like that I set distance. But ideally whenever possible I try to get away from them. They do not they multiple opportunities to come in and obliterate me and my sense of peace. I set distance between a lot of people the consequences of doing otherwise are not workable. Nevertheless working in a place where there are no to poor boundaries takes a toll a really big toll. That is on top of being an essential worker in a pandemic that is out of control However now I am an adult so pandemic or no pandemic I can do things about it Currently if someone has lashed out on me I try my best to have as little to do with them as possible. If Indetermkne that they lash out on a routine basis I set distance. Inhardky does to them. If at all possible I never speak to them. Of course since they are boundaryless they do not notice. However I have limits and those limits are important to me I keep working on plans to make my life easier I did not have the strength and resolve to keep moving myself to a better place. Right now it is s different matter. I do have strength I do have limits. If I am around someone who lashes out I simoly remove myself. For those who lash out I am no longer a dump ground. of course like any other boundary obliterator they are not interested in limits
When I look at boundaries obliteraters I notice they have a high tolerance for other boundary obliteraters. They come in packs
Only I am no longer a member of their pack. They can keep dressing it up with window dressing. No boundaries is no boundaries
They can keep that package. I don't need it.
Maresie
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Tuesday 3rd of August 2021 09:07:49 AM
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Tuesday 3rd of August 2021 09:10:08 AM
Thank you Paul for your service and your post. I find that staying in my own lane and sharing and caring with others who share and care with me is the way to go. I cant change anything but may and I cannot find happiness and peace outside of me it has to be within me the slogan let it begin with me comes to mind
Thank you Paul for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. For me, no matter what is going on around me - this disease that brought us together, the pandemic, death, illness, etc. I am 100% powerless over all things beyond the scope of my skin/body.
In my life, countless times, my mind drifts to why, why, why. What recovery shows me is that if why is important to me, it will be revealed in due time. It is not within my scope to try and understand why another does what they do, when they do or at any point in time. When I wonder into the lane/life of other people, it does me absolutely no good whatsoever and interrupts my recovery as well as my sanity.
Today, I choose joy. I opt to step away from chaos, insanity, conflict, etc. I just would prefer to be happy than be right. I view my mind/heart/soul and finite and when any or all are distracted by things beyond my control, I am choosing to block myself from moving forward.
At any point in my day that I step beyond my lane, it does not go well. When I can just let others be who they need/want to be and focus on me and what brings me joy, my days just go much, much better. I am beyond words grateful for this program that allows me to be sad about my friend yet show up to a youth golf tournament and spread joy and positive energy. I can feel sadness for the impending loss yet not lose myself in what ifs, if only thinking, etc. Because of this program, those who came before me and my willingness to change, I am so much better at accepting and living life on life's terms - even when it's darn difficult.
I spent 12 hours at the golf course today. 8 hours volunteering for the 50th Youth Tourney and 4 hours golfing. Tomorrow is a repeat and while I am sad and saying good-bye to my friend on Thursday, I don't have to sit and spin until then. I can do my life, enjoy the present and deal with what comes next 'then' - not now and perpetually.
Choose joy as best you can - it's what is saving my sanity during this chapter of my life. Worry less, laugh more and pray all along the way. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
