The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today we are challenged not to look for the root of our problems in the disease of alcoholism.
TODAY'S REMINDER: Do I read up on alcoholism because I still hope I can find a way to make my spouse stop drinking? Do I blame all the familys adversities on the alcoholic, sober or not? Have I the courage to face my own mistakes and character flaws? Do I justify my resentment and rationalize my self-pity?
"How much trouble he avoids who does not look to see what others say or do, but only what he does himself, that it may be just and pure." (Marcus Aurelius - Meditations)
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My answers to the questions in todays reading are, "Yes, yes, yes and yes!"
I admit to spending 40 years blaming and shaming my alcoholic, after-all, he is the root of all my problems! This is such a hard habit to break, and it may take me many more years to undo that thinking. I have never spent much time contemplating myself and my mistakes. I suppose I should thank my alcoholic for giving me an excuse to never take full responsibility for me and the way I am in the world.
I will keep trying to touch base with my Higher Power to see where I am going right or wrong in my daily life...in TODAY. I know my serenity depends only on how I manage each moment. I will remind myself that life is about NOW and about ME!
Boy, that seems so simple, but such a great challenge! "Just for Today."
Good morning, and thank you, Bbrave, for posting on this topic. This reading is very relevant to me.
At one point, I did read scientific literature about alcoholism -- and I thank my higher powers that I did not do this until after my alcoholic loved one had passed away. I think my grief took the form of needing to understand what the h*&@# happened!! Why did this amazing human being meet the fate that he did, and why was love not enough to cure the problem? If I had studied this topic while he was alive and relatively well, I can imagine myself saying, "Look, honey, here's a book that explains what's wrong with you." That would not have gone over well.
Instead, I got that knowledge at the right time, when I could not use it as a tool to control someone else.
Knowledge about the disease helped me -- not to control -- but to understand and forgive both of us.
Thank you Bbrave for the daily and your service. Thanks to all for your shares and ESH. I have spent more time that I care to admit (most of my life) throwing blame/shame on others whom I felt caused me great harm. It is only in Al-Anon that I've come to accept that I chose to be here, stay here, engage in circular insanity, etc. I was so entrenched in the insanity of this disease, I really did not feel or see other choices or options.
Today, at any point my crazy brain wants to blame other people, places and/or things, my HP interrupts long enough to remind me I am in charge of my attitude, outlook, emotions, etc. I can choose to have a good day or a bad day. I can choose to give my power away or not. I can feed my denial about my part or fess up, own up and show up. Practice daily helps me to better redirect when I want to fall back on old habits and patterns.
One thing I can do is be my own best advocate as part of my self-care. Today, after my golf round, I came home and wrote up a formal harassment complaint about a fellow volunteer. I did not want to do this and truly tried to let it go. Yet, the other party opted to publicly harass me in a manner that is beyond unacceptable. As a gal in a 'man's world' at the golf course, registering a formal complaint to a male who's in charge, I have no expectations. I may be fired as a volunteer (that would be a first!!) and that's OK. I spoke my truth, advocated for me, and did not accept unacceptable behavior. Time will tell...
Happy Thursday all - hope you are making it a great day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you for your service Brave. And thanks also for the shares. I certainly have spent time justifying resentments and experiencing frustration. I've also had enough self preservation to walk when I'm over something regardless of the loss. Self pity doesn't sit well with me. I'm not into it to the point I can't tolerate it in others around me and am liable to bite. Nonetheless it's a valid thing for me to think about because I have a massive character flaw I'm trying hard to serenity prayer myself out of, which is that of being judgemental.
Nonetheless I do think a part of that judgemental-ism is rooted in blame. Subtle perhaps but there still. I do blame alcohol addiction for poor choices that lead to predictably poor outcomes and I have taken that blame out on the alcoholic. Many times. This is interesting for me to consider today. Would I be able to detach with love if i didn't still hold that blame somewhere hidden inside me? Because while it is ok to excercise discernment as a form of judgement, there is definitely some thing out of balance within me to have such a scornful undercurrent in letting loose with it.
Thanks Bbrave for your service and for all the above great shares. Guilty: blamed, resented, and tried to force solutions i.e. got lists of meetings, helpers, articles to read, for years! Did I help my A at all??? Nope. Instead I dug a huge canyon of misery, depression, and anxiety for myself. What a mess.
Program has made sense of that mess and showed me a pathway to a healthier and saner life. Thank God! Thanks to MIP and my F2F and my sponsors.
