The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading from C2C, the author discusses the burden of guilt. The author shares that they had not been aware of the heavy burden that their guilt was until they made amends and let that guilt go. The author shares that facing the harm they had done in the past was something that they avoided, but making amends helped them leave the past in the past and move forward with a clear conscience. As a result, their self-esteme has grown.
One challenge the author had was that the person they felt they owed the most amends to was no longer living. Although the author believed that this person understood and forgave the author for the harm done, the author could not forgive themself. After much prayer and thought, the author concluded that one way to make amends was to change their present behavior. We cannot go back and change the past, but we can commit to changing our past behavior.
Today's Reminder: I can't make past wrongs disappear, but I can take actions that will help me to let them go. When I make amends, I do what I can to correct the situation. Then I can put the past in its rightful place and leave it there.
Today's Quote: " Let me remember that the reason for making amends is to free my own mind of uneasiness" The Dilemma of the Alcoholic Marriage
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Guilt and regret are things I also didn't know I was carrying. Over time living with an alcoholic spouse, I unknowingly cut ties with everyone close to me. Looking back, I realize that I was doing things to pacify my wife and try to control the disease, and that those things were not good for me or my relationships. Instead of continuing to cause harm, I chose to isolate myself. And, because the people I cut ties with were important to me, I carried a lot of guilt with me about not being in touch, not visiting, etc. The decision to make amends, put down that guilt, and move forward with living in a good way was a hard one, but one that benefitted me the most. Today, I can say that I show up in each moment with the people I am near. I have important friendships, and I am honest about my situation. I no longer need to replay interactions I have had or worry that I made a mistake, because I am now able to show up as my best self possible in each moment and readily make amends when my best self of the moment makes mistakes. Because I am confident that I am doing the best I can in each moment, mistakes are to learned from and left in the past, so I can continue to move forward in a good way.
I'm so grateful for the patient program that Al-Anon is, and I'm grateful that I have the tools I need to repair mistakes and move forward, leaving the guilt behind me.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I most certainly lost friendships when I was with the qualifier. Some of my friends said they could not watch me have that kind of relationship
Indeed the person I have owed the most amends to is myself
I have had a steep learning curve: traumatic bonds, code oi tendency, boundaries
I had to be willing to be a beginner and start over
I am certainly grateful for that opportunity
Today I am back to with after having a day off. I have to go insbd manage a very disorganized dysfunctional workforce with a supervisor who is deeply codependent.
My immediate supervisor has been largely absent for the past two months
This being the typical workforce I have been involved with. Unreal expectations are the norm
I found my way in there now I have to find not way out
Easier said than done. That being said I would not trade being self sufficient for anything
Being self sufficient is the bedrock of my recovery
Being committed to recovery is another pillar. I keep adding more pillars of action and indeed knowledge
Thank you Skorpi for your service and for the above shares. Getting rid of guilt was a very important part of healing for me. I felt guilty about so many things, and for many years. Program has helped me peel back the layers of guilt and replace it with healthier feelings for myself. I have made amends to many people and to my son several times, as I saw the damage from his childhood play out. His father, still active, cannot see himself. I dissected myself way too much, and for the longest time came up short. With lessening guilt and other negative self-concepts, I like this program because it helps me see my good, and work on the not so good. :)
Skorpi. Thank you for your service and your share. My biggest amend was to myself. I hurt myself more than I ever hurt anybody else. I abused me with brutal words when I would mess up out of not thinking, I treated me worse than I would treat anybody else. So my biggest amend was to me. And if I owed an amend to someone who was no longer living, which I can think of a couple of people I wish I had paid more attention to while they were alive because they truly loved me, I know in their happy place they forgive me, the hard part was for me to forgive myself for not being as healthy than as I am now so the amend is to keep moving forward to better behavior and better behavior comes from better thinking equals better emotions equals better behavior equals better habits equals better character and thats what Im doing to honor myself and to honor those who loved me
Like the author of today's page, the person I owed the most amends to -- beside amends to myself -- was no longer living. I needed to make amends for my part in the situation. My living amends is to change my attitude about that person -- what I think about them and what I say to others about them. It's an on-going change in behavior, with occasional slip-ups. But it does wonders for my peace of mind. Positive attitude has been more healing than negative attitude.
Good Day All. Thank you Skorpi for your service/ESH and all shares. It was painful to read because I feel guilty and ashamed of a behaviour that has impacted a lot of people. The current term of "ghosting" fits me to a tee. There are amends I need to make to family members, friends, employers, coworkers, etc...that treated me very well and I cut off contact for no good reason. I literally would start anew, build a solid foundation, thrive, be well received/liked and poof, I'd move on. The amend I wish I could make in person is my late father. He was and still is my hero and I broke his heart with many choices I made that hurt me. Fortunately, since rebuilding my relationship with my mom, (thanks to Al-Anon and our post 2020 world), I've learned to honour him by working to be my best self-which is all he ever wanted. It's interesting to note, the values he tried to instill in me, align with Al-Anon spiritual principles. There's a long road ahead and I try to stay in the now and trust I will have the courage to repair damage done to people that were so good to me. This is heavy duty work with sponsor stuff...whew...
Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares & ESH. For me, guilt and shame tend to go hand in hand. I am grateful for the gift of step work that allows me to sort things out, amend what I can, change who I am/how I am and leave the past behind.
I am grateful that most of my reflections regarding past events no longer leave me with despair, defeat and hopeless feelings. I am able to reflect, understand that was then and this is now and see it in a different light. I tend to seek balance each day in my living amends - being kinder/gentler with me as well as others I judged, ignored, belittled or blamed.
I will forever be grateful for the gift of choice Al-Anon gave me. I knew in my head I had choices; it was my heart that was so, so uncertain. I can leave a relationship behind, leave an event behind, leave a room, detach from other people, places and things, etc. I no longer have to 'sit & spin' in the chaos of this disease.
Happy Wednesday all - make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
