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ok...i'm mad!! i have not spoken to him since he "fell off the wagon" january 3erd. i pretty much gave up on him.
my dad is an A and just isn't listening/hearing us. he just doesn't care. to make a VERY LONG story short, he has been hospitalized 4 times(been brought back to life) because of his drinking. now he has seizures from his drinking. his MRI is so badthe doctors are surprized that he acts normal. he is in the hospital right now. i am tired of sitting at his bedside in the hospital crying thinking this is the day he is going to die. at this point, i almost wish that today was THAT day.
so yesturday, i decided to set things right in my mind/heart. because i have not spoken to him in so long, i knew i would feel bad if i didn't say good bye. so i went to the hospital, walked in his room, and he acted like nothing was wrong. "hey honey, how are you. gosh, you look beautiful today. where are my grandkids?" i was so mad, but i kept my cool. after a few moments, i eventually told him that i was there to tell him that i love him and goodbye. his days are numbered, but he is in denial(b/c he's only 48). we visited for a few minutes, then i left. immediate gratification for going to the hospital did not happen like i thought it would. but i know that in my heart, i won't have any regrets that i didn't tell him i love him,...ect. as i was leaving the hospital in tears, this wonderful nurse asked me if i was ok. i'm thinking to myself..."do i look ok??!!" then she says that sometimes a little hug makes things feel alot better. she was right, it did feel good to hug a complete stranger who took notice in me. then she looked at me and said, "maybe this will be his rock bottom." i told her that being brought back to life 4 times should have been bottom, but it wasn't." i thanked her and left.
i feel fine now, but i just wish things were different. i just can't figure out what his rock bottom will be
Don't you wish you could be in their heads sometimes? I do. I really want to know why they think the way they do! Especially when they have had a taste of what a real life can be! I'm sorry your dad is back in the hospital. I am glad that you had the opportunity to tell him you love him! You will be glad you did no matter what happens to him.
My a is using again it's getting worse, i'm sure although I can't tell by looking at him anymore. I keep finding his "crack" cans. I don't confront him about them, but I do lay them out in an area where he knows that I know he's not o.k. But he still continues on with life like I don't have any reason to doubt a single word he says to me. So aggravating!!!
I wish you all the luck and love in the world. Take care of you!
My prayers are with you. I know the feeling of hopelessness and anger, disappointment. Take care of yourself, and "detach with love". You did the right thing by telling him you love him. Sometimes compassion for an A is so so hard to express or even feel ourselves. It is such a jumbled mess of emotions we feel for the person with the disease. Bless you ....
Hi Flintfeet! I'm sorry you are feeling so much pain and frustration! It seems some A's just never "get it" as far as hitting bottom goes. My Dad was one of those. He died at the age of 54, after a lifetime of drinking, smoking and not taking care of himself. He was even homeless at various times. True enough this was all happening at a time when the AA program wasn't very well-known, especially in England.
It was very sad and painful and shameful for me to grow up, knowing that about him, although I loved him and will never forget him.
In the early days of my own recovery, I used to hear this phrase, "there but for the Grace of God go I", which helped me feel some compassion for his lost life, and use those feelings to make more out of my own life. Only after years of working the 12 step program have I come anywhere near feeling compassion for other A's in my life, and some understanding of why it has been like this, in my own life, and what I can do about it.
Understanding alcoholism as a disease was tremendously helpful to me, because no person in their right mind would behave like this otherwise--and an a is just not in their right mind, and until they see it for themselves, they can't change that.
Congratulations for making that special effort to see your Dad and tell him you loved him and say goodbye, because at least you will not have to regret that you didn't. It's hard not to have expectations around that, though, and want to see something coming back to us from them. We can do what's right for us. It seems we have to let go of all the rest!
You showed a great deal of courage to go to the hospital and tell him you love him. I don't know what bottom looks like for my A or anyone for that matter. I guess it happens differently for everyone. I think you did what you felt was right and now you can detach with love and let this play out for him. HP will take care of him.
Hugs,
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Oh dear do I understand what you are saying. The thing I came to realzie is that there is no rock bottom for some people.
My hub is also 48 yrs of age, in hospital and has been to 6 rehabs and still will use as soon as he his able to get around again.
I am very sorry for you that this is your father, I know how my kids feel, you are an adult now and I am happy you made some peace with yourself over your father.
There is no rule telling you to live at the hospital by his bedside, afterall the alcohol is what got him there.
My father was an A. He died at age 58. Was only sober one time that I can remember. When he died, all of my siblings were sad but relieved. We would say.."at least he went before he killed someone". I guess he was one of those "unfortunates" that just could not do it. I remember the little time he was sober, he was miserable. He did not know how to live his life sober. It was really sad. My ex never recovered and died at 51 years old. However my brother did stop drinking many years ago because it led him to other drugs that he could not handle. He went into inpatient treatment and went to AA meetings for about 1 year. Never picked up another drink but never gave up smoking pot. I pray that my son is stronger and that one day he will find recovery. At least I have a program that is helping me and could very possibly help him. My girlfriend told me that my son has alot of "prayer warriors" for him. Like Seachange said...back then Alanon was not known about too much. I truly wish I would have been in program when my dad was still alive. I can now see how much pain and guilt he suffered with.
I had to turn my husband over to his Higher Power. His Higher Power knew, not I, when he would find a bottom. In his Higher Power's time and when he was ready to admit defeat over alcohol. Not MY timeline. Hubby is now sober again.
For those I have been in Alanon with, and lost a loved one to the disease , their choice was to do the same. Turn that loved one over, let go of the results.........but they made sure they stayed sane themselves and took the very best care of themselves. Whether the alcoholic survives or not....WE MUST !
I'm so sorry you have to watch this happen. I know that pain. I watched my husband tremor, shake, puke for 3 days. I don't know if your Dad gowes through the DT's everytime he is admitted, but once was enough for my husband. It's terrible and scary. Not only to watch, but to llive through (he almost didn't). You've done a wonderful thing for yourself by telling him you love him. They so hate themselves, and maybe even hate the disease more then you do. Denial is what comes out of his mouth when he acts like nothing is wrong.. My A used to be the champion. As infuriating as it is, they keep it up because doing otherwise would be admitting there is a BIG problem. If there is a problem, they'd have to face it and take care of it. The disease as my A says "has him by the balls". It takes over every rational thought. The disease goes to rediculous lengths to stay alive. I always think of it as an alien living inside them, controlling every thought.
Let him go, give him to HP.... but you don't have to give up hope. I never thought I'd see the day my A was sober after 20 yrs of marriage, but he is and he's doing great..
I guess every person has their own bottom, I really wish we could see what our loved ones bottom is, but we can't. They don't even know what it is.
About 16 years ago my husband was driving drunk and had a run in with a charter bus. He was in a convertable and was thrown from the car. He had to be brought back in the ambulance and again at the hospital. He spent ten day in intensive care in really bad shape. When he finally got out of the hospital he was back drinking within a few days. Then he lost got a drunk driving and lsot his license for 2 years. To this day he blames the bus driver, even thought the courts said he was completely at fault.
You did the best thing for you and your Dad as well, you let him know that you love him no matter what.
, their choice was to do the same. Turn that loved one over, let go of the results.........but they made sure they stayed sane themselves and took the very best care of themselves. Whether the alcoholic survives or not....WE MUST !