The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Well, A was trying to set up coming up here w/ child protective services but they can't do it. She sounds bummed and defeated.
She was very upset, in general just worring about when she can come back in the house. She asked if she would be back before mothers day. I said I didn't know. I mean I feel the odds are no, I felt no nothing good could come from speculating.
She told me that she isn't strong enough for this. That was difficult. I told her, that I know it might be hard for her to believe or understand but I was not doing these things to punish her. Not much was said afterwards and she said she was going to go. Before she hung up, I told her that I was sorry that this was so difficult on her.
It was saddening. It's so much easier to feel or at least express the compasion when they aren't in your face and trying to manipulate and push.
I know she is an A, and I know I will be tested again. I guess I just need to hold this frame of mind as a reminder. Not sure how good I'll do at it.
Bob
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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are! (added by me...in that special alanon way)
oh bobump i so understand! my ah called the other day with the "i can't do this without you" thing. i told him that he could. because doing it for me hasn't worked yet. since we've seperated we have always ended the conversations with the familiar and comfortable "i love you" but the thing is i do. i don't want to live with him, or be married to him, or participate in his disease but i do love him and always will. it was different to not jump in and tell him what to do to get the help he needs. but i didn't. for me alot of it was always ego. i needed him to need me. but i'm getting better. and so are you. compassion is a better feeling than anger. good luck!
You're doing what you have to in the best interest of your family (and that includes her). Our A's beat themselves up, and sometiimes a bit of compassion can go a long way in helping them. It doesn't mean that you let your guard down. It means that you have a heart my friend. You're doing just fine. Take this moment and hold onto it, as a reminder that there can be good moments.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Sometimes it's so much easier to feel anger at them. Compassion is such a different emotion to have than we're use to. We can become so guarded, we know we shouldn't pity them, we learn not to punish them, we hopefully learn not to enable them -- so what is it that we are suppose to feel for them.
My definition of Compassion is Love with Understanding. There is no pity in there, but there is understanding of the struggle, there is no rescuing -- but there is recognition. And that feeling that I feel in my heart, it is a form of love.
As we become healthy, there is more and more room for compassion for our A's. This is where I believe that Changed attitudes really do aid in recovery. Pre-alanon, I didn't have compassion for my A, none at all. I agree with Karilynn, a little compassion can go a long way.
Loves you my bumpity bump bump :o) You are doing such wonderful things, boundaries still let in feelings. So glad you are here to share them with all of us and make me feel normal for feeling compassion in moments when maybe that person deserves it or not. It is hard when you have been hurt so much to not be affected by someone you love so much. You have a history with this woman and I am proud of you for showing a small measure of compassion and still holding onto your boundaries!
hugs, I know this is horribly hard. I have had to do it more than once.
It is so true, however, they MUST be left to be miserable. If we baby them, they won't ever feel bad enough to day, "enough, I cannot take this anymore."
We have got to allow our loved ones to feel bad enough to help themselves. We have to be strong. It is good she is miserable, very good.
Good for you, takes courage to do this. love,debilyn
