The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about awareness of our feelings, and in a sense, honoring them- whether they are positive or not. The writer describes responding to his/her fathers alcoholism by behaving predictably and in a controlled way. The energy it took to deal with the alcoholism in the home left little room for anyone elses expression of feelings. Through the program and connection with HP, the writer describes being more at ease with feelings of all kinds: joy and sorrow, excitement and boredom. The writer began to realize that all of the feelings are what contribute to who he/she is.
Many years ago when I was in college, I remember a conversation with one of my sisters when I confided that I was feeling down and wanted to break out of the feeling. She gave me the simplest and best advice about it, saying in essence that I was spending a lot of time and energy in trying to change how I was feeling instead of just allowing myself to feel it. When I considered what she said, and just let go of the idea that I had to somehow feel better, I did feel better! Part of that was just recognizing that feeling down, gloomy, bored, annoyed etc. are as much a part of the human experience as joy, happiness and excitement.
The quotation from Courage to Change (p. 238) sums this up nicely: I am profoundly grateful for laughter and light spirits- and also for anger and fear, because all of these feelings are part of what makes me whole.
Mary thank you for your service and your share, I, too, either suppressed or repressed or otherwise denied my feelings and they just came back to invoice me worse and now I honor my feelings no matter what they are I do the recognize, allow and except, investigate where theyre coming from, and then nurture myself and above all allow these feelings to pass through me, to be with them--and then I can release them from me. My feelings are just my body trying to Let go of old or new feelings positive or negative so they dont get stored inside of me and come at me with pain. It took me a long time to accept my feelings because a lot of times it was anger and grief but the more I give it nonresistance and acceptance, the easier it gets. Thank you for your service
Happy Sunday MIP. Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Al-Anon has given me the tools to be authentic. Why I try to deny how I feel, it just rarely goes well. Instead, my days go best when I can just admit who I am (today), where I am (today) and what I feel (today). There's no doubt that some days are easier than others, some are smoother than others and some days, I'm doing good to work-out, shower, cook and be done.
I do know that whatever I am feeling, good or bad or indifferent, this too shall pass. I do believe that every experience I have, every feeling I have and every bump in the road I hit are planned and necessary for my continued growth and life experience. I too used to feel sad/badly, and then beat myself up for it which just created this spiral of negativity until the cycle was broken. So, when I instead just own it, sit with it, examine it and what my choices are, it changes. A different way to be is so very, very helpful for me in my recovery.
I also continue to learn how to determine I'm missing 'something' in my program. My AH this morning was sniping about the lack of space on the DVR for our TV service. I have 2 series that I've not yet watched and he's got about 25 movies - probably about equal space used. He felt the need to point it all out to me, and my first reaction was an eye-roll and a sarcastic response. Instead, I paused, prayed and then proceeded to just respond with OK.
My second 'gotcha' this morning - in a text group, a gal pal shared she was enjoying fresh squeezed OJ. I suggested she should enjoy and that I was an ODDball - I love oranges, but don't like orange juice. She responded - have you ever had fresh? Again, my first reaction was an eye-roll and a sarcastic response. Instead, I paused, prayed and then proceed to just not respond at all.
What I know about me is when these small 'things' are rubbing me wrong, I'm in need of some acceptance and a reminder of who's will I prefer in my life. My EGO can/does reappear, unannounced, telling my brain I need to react to these and other situations, asserting my 'power'. Instead, my HP is suggesting I'm allowing small things to affect my joy and need an attitude adjustment.
Awareness for me, then acceptance - followed by action....necessary before I head out on this lovely sunshine filled day to golf...Enjoy your day MIP - I plan to do so!!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Mary for your service, and to all those who have taken the time to share.
As I move through my Al-Anon program, I find that the slogan "This Too Shall Pass," is a very accurate one. I used to think, "Yeah, right! (eye roll)" But if I am patient with myself and the feelings, it really does pass!
BTW, I am one of those "weirdos" that love oranges but hate orange juice!
I had a socially distanced (both of us are fully vaccinated) visit with a close friend I hadn't seen since last summer. We dined, we talked... I truly felt human again! Perhaps soon we can begin to meet up at an actual restaurant! I am looking forward to that time.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you Mary for your service, and everyone for your shares.
I'm sorry TT for your loss and your relationship with your sibling. I am distanced from my sister too, and although we do communicate, and for birthdays only, sometimes I whish it were different...
I am into a lot of self judging these days and this doesn't help, especially since the self judging is often directed at how I feel ...
Self awareness always brings me surprises ...
I grew up in a home where there was no room for feelings, so I still have the reflex to not consider them appropriate, this is one of the reasons I find it very difficult to be myself in relationships with other people.
I hide how I really feel.
Thank you so much for your service. Your challenge of feel those feelings has pretty hard for some of us who had no idea how to regulate them. My feelings regularly submerged me into complete despair. The Qualifier unleashed in me days and nights of weeping that never seemed to end. In fact that is the way I detached I was so wretched and grief stricken that I regularly completely exhausted myself. I howled when he brought yet another disaster home. I howled when he betrayed me over and over and I had no idea to manage the waves of anxiety that took over everything in its oath. My life was completely unmanageable.
Ideally a child grows up in an environment where their feelings are validated. There is no inner well of wisdom for a child to lean on that does not get developed. Therefore when we go out in the world to.seek companion ship.we find profoundly unregulated peers. My qualifier was good at camaflaging his inregulated state and he remains so. A DUI is the flag of the unregulated.
In a sense Al anon became the medium to co regulate my feelings in the manner an ideal parent would. From the outside in we learn how to manage the impossible with many suggestions, goals and ideas to do just that absolutely impossible task . If we are lucky we find someone like Betty who was do incredibly generous with her time and passionate about the program. Betty invested her life in helping others and was astonishingly successful and kind to everyone.
I have had s number of sponsors. All of them were particularly generous patient and passionate about the program. What solace to find what I never had as a child: am empathic resource. That is how I learned to regulate. Feeling my feelings was not enough I had to be able to regulate them. I also had to learn to detach of course #there is nothing more difficult in the world and the planet than another person#
Everyday I am reminded of what al anon has given to me. Every day I am more and more in awe of the founders and their ability to develop.such an innovative organization in a group.settimg. What an achievement for me to be able to regulate my emotions #outside in# rather than #inside out#.
Now I have strength compassion and resilience that were certainly not accessible for me when I managed to get through these doors
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