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My ex and I have 2 kids together. He passed away when they were 14, few days before their bday. Since then both of the kids have been acting up, smoking, drinking. Yoo gets is close to 17 and ina mental hospital because she wanted to kill herself, infront of me/ so I can feel the pain I put her through.
I admit, I was not the best mom when I was with their dad. I was depressed, dsuolicidal, took my anger out on them. But I am trying to change. I am active I Al-Anon. how do I handle her when she cant move past what has happened even thou I have apologized and awknowledged her pain.
she has been going to alateen also but I dont think it helped her at all.
any advice? I am scared to lose her just because she is too angry at me to love herself.
hust as a background her dad died from liver cirrhosis and was a verbally, mentally physically abusivr drunk and she saw a lot of it.
Hello and welcome to the community and thank you for your brave share. Your daughter has a lot of anger to work through and I am hoping that she stays in Alateen and you stay in Al-Anon because the only thing you can do is change yourself and hopefully that will reflect on her the positive changes she sees in you. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to make amends with her and now its going to take time for her to realize that you were affected by his behavior as well. Im so sorry youre going through this but I think with the both of you in the program, that is your best chance for you and her to work through your feelings and just be there as a support for her and encouragement for her but this is something shes got to reconcile for herself really when you come down to it the only person you can changes yourself and hope it rubs off on her
Welcome to MIP Rimjhim - glad you found us and glad that you shared. I'm so sorry for how the disease is affecting your family. It's such a far-reaching disease, we just don't often know what best to do and how best to help our kids.
I also suggest you continue with your recovery and if she's willing, have her continue with hers. If she's having mental health issues, and is in a facility, my experience is they usually will not release her without an action plan. I would encourage you to encourage her to follow the plan in the hopes that she can get the help she needs.
There's never any shame in exploring any/all resources, in recovery and beyond recovery, to help another heal. My boys (now 29 and 27) still have extensive anger issues, mostly directed at me, and a part of me believes it's primarily because I am here and I do care & love them unconditionally.
Do what you can to take care of you and support her. Know that you're not alone and that there's hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Indeed it can seem like your daughter has much to be angry about
Depression is a huge disease to live with. Sometimes it seems to be intractable to treatment. Indeed I have dealt with depression for a lifetime. Much of it uneducated. Decades of therapy. I have indeed been through the wringer with depression.
I have certainly been suicidal. My suicidality had nothing to do with anyone else. It was all about the depression. Depression is such a terrible illness
The good news is your daughter is getting treatment. There a red a lot of myths about suicidality like if people call a suicide prevention line they could get help. Depression is an illness. When you have cancer you cannot wish my away. The same goes for depression. Depression needs treatment medical treatment psychological treatment. Your daughter is getting that.
As far as your daughter goes you are certainly acting like a parent. You.are concerned you have empathy. You.are willing. That is a huge amount. That is very far from nothing. There us plenty you can do as a concerned parent in encouragungbthen to get treatment. You are doing absolutely everything you can and more
Recovering from abuse is a long job. There us far more than a get involved. There is grief. Grief is with us daily. Never more so than when we are dealing with loss. Loss is constant.
Loss is indeed part of life. But some of us contend with huge losses. Terrible terrible losses from abuse and neglect
The other #gift# you have of course given your daughter is to be out of denial. I am the child of abusive parents. I have been working on those issues for decades. One of the huge hurdles I had was the denial of my family members. I took a long time to grieve that they will probably never acknowledge it. In fact it is oretty much a guarantee
So let's recap once again all you have done for your daughter which is far from #nothing#
1) You are concerned
2) You acknowledge her depression and how very serious it I'd.
3) You have been in recovery. In fact you to great lengths to recover. Coming to al anon is not for the faint of heart.
4) You acknowledge she has had a raw deal
5) You are not in denial about her father and his pathology.
However remember the three C's you didnt cause his alcoholism you couldn't change it and you certainly couldn't cur it. That alcoholism was for him to deal with and he couldn't.
While you may feel helpless alone and lost all those 5 contributions are huge. For many of us we would give a lot to have had a parent who was present accountable and willing
What a lot you have given her already
Of course you are still out of your mind witn worry
Why not start adding some more tools. Al anom had many may tools that are far from #nothing# they are trusted true and
work well for millions of people across the globe
In addition al anon can give your support, understanding empathy and encouragement. You can go to meetings by zoomm around the clock. Support is so so essential. Support is possible and most of all you.are worthy of being supported where you are now
I am so glad that you dropped by and asked for suggestions. You are indeed very welcome here. Many of us share your grief having been associated with an alcoholic. I have certainly known many.
I continue to.suffer some of the repercussions of dealing with alcoholics. Joining al non was one of the best decisions I have ever made. In fact joining this group brought many he exits. The principle one is #being known#
Being known is being loved and cared for. Obviously you love and care for your child deeply. That shows. Her father was not capable of that. You are. You care. You are willing. What a fantastic parent you.are today
That's so tough. I just wanted to commend you for seeking out recovery. Keep coming along it gets better. There are no magic fixes for angry young people that I know of. So I guess you just dive into your recovery and all the tools available within it and trust the process. It's tough. Sending love and support.
Some might be urged to give advise yet what we know really that works comes out of our experiences.
I worked with teens regarding the affects of alcoholism and drug addiction on themselves and their families came from sharing experiences of what worked.
The Alateen program; a part of Al-Anon is available to your children and if you call the local number for Al-Anon they can lead you to where the groups are held.
One of my sponsees use to bring his children to Al-Anon meetings which they were invited to and welcomed if they would follow their guidelines. Years later both young people are mature and educated about the disease, respectfull of both parents which includes their alcoholic, addict mother and very sane father.
Anger is only one of the emotional, mental disorders I was saddled with back then and now I am rarely overtaken by it because of the daily practice of the program.
I hope you consider coming back often and following up on the suggestions that come from the membership as it recovers daily.
My teenage son of 13 y has been through a very angry period recently. He's out of it thanks God.
I did everything possible not to take it personnally, but when it was unjustified I didn't hide from him that his random angry remarks hurt me. (i e 'food always sucks in this house' and similar) The anger had its reasons, those judgements were unnecessary ...
However, I did acknowledge to him that I was not the best of moms and that I regret, that if I could do it over again it would be completely different.
I remember once I sayd to him I just want you to know that I'm very sorry for our relationship, for what is worth.
I was sincere and I had tears in my eyes, so he did believe me ... but he was uncomfortable at the same time ...
I feel it has changed something between us, for the better. He is not angry now. We are not close, he needs a lot his peers at this age, and does not want to talk to me about his personal life. But there is way less 'unhealthy something in the air' between us ...
We can't change the past but we can try and take back our relationship ...
Of my two bio kids- one was angry, and the other one passive.