The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning MIP. The reading in Courage to Change today is about Step 8.
Quote: "With this Step we sort out our part, taking responsibility for our actions but also releasing ourselves . . . from the burden of falsely-held responsibilities. . . . In All Our Affairs
Reminder: Certainly I make choices that harm others and call for making amends. But sometimes a choice that is right for me may be uncomfortable or even unacceptable to others. Other people's expectations are not my responsibility unless I have helped to create them. I can remind myself that conflict is part of life.
Essentially, the writer comes to realize that thinking of ourselves as innocent victims of other people's abuse is not realistic/authentic. We discover that we too have harmed others. This step allows us to list those we have harmed which leads to discovery of realistic boundaries and responsibilities.
We are not responsible when a relative or friend is disappointed in our partner choice. We are not responsible if we parent in a way that upsets the offspring. We are not responsible for others unfulfilled desires. Our 8th Step should include those we actually caused harm, not perceived harm based on their expectations.
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The biggest issue I had with this step was similar to all others - my first pass through, I wanted to do it 'perfectly' hoping for a one and done approach to recovery. Of course, this was short-sighted and far from my reality. Instead, I had a lovely sponsor who encouraged me to just do my best, in this process, just for today and be willing to revisit when/as necessary.
Step 8 was just about making a list. Nothing more, nothing less. I did find truth in sharing the list and events with my sponsor who helped me better see that I was a good person doing what felt best in the time --- human. I am better today at humbly and graciously looking at 'life events', finding my part and making amends if necessary. Of course, I am still a work in progress with more to learn.
Enjoy your day all - find and keep your joy!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dear I am here
It feels to me every few years I start to see certain events very differently. Knowing more about narcissism had helped me greatly with the qualifier and with dealing with certain people
Forgiving myself for being boundaryless has been huge
I have been extremely lucky to have had a number if patient kind and sincere sponsors who heard me out no matter what
What an incredible gift that is in life
I am so very grateful to have a chance to live kifebonnkufes terms without having it overwhelm me. I have l UK mts boundaries and goals
All of those evaporated regularly in the past
Thank you again for your diligent service
Maresie
Thank you Iamhere for your service and this timely Daily!!
I love this part: "Our 8th Step should include those we actually caused harm, not perceived harm based on their expectations."
Because I battle perfectionism in myself, my first attempts were non-starters at this, b/c there isn't a "perfect" way to do this Step. My sponsor pointed this out to me, reminded me of my tendencies to put harsh rules on myself, and suggested I try again, but holding no expectations of finishing the list. I must say, that was hard to do, as I have grown up w/the idea that you finish what you start... always. In reality, that is a "harsh rule." Life is just not perfect.
I have started my list again, with a better understanding of actual harm and perceived harm. I too, have become better at identifying "my role/part" in Life's events, and I take ownership straight away, making amends when necessary. For me, that is good, b/c then the denial or "fantasy thinking" cannot get in the way and skew my memory of the actual event.
My Joy will be working in my garden today!! Suns out, space buns out! LOL!
PNP
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Great topic. Last night I set a boundary with someone,which was they are welcome to my house but I am uncomfortable with them drinking while visiting. It didn't go over well and they got pretty upset. They said they would go somewhere else then. I was taken aback by it and lashed out.
I apologized for my behavior but not for my boundary. They apologized in return but let me know how they felt about it(how wrong I was)
I feel ok with it actually. I was upset for a bit but then finally came to the conclusion that they have a right to think and feel however they choose and it's not my responsibility they feel that way. Yay me,cause this would have been such a major issue just a few months ago and I would have felt guilty and wrong for it.
I haven't made a list and haven't even done the 8th step yet. But at least I am learning as I go along.
So.glad that you can set the boundary on what you will out up with
I am so very happy I have set a out of boundaries lately. They went down like a lead balloon. That is fine by me
Then I set another boundary. That went down like a lead balloon too .
So much of ny depression was.about not having boundaries. When people overstepped the line I did not oush back. I certainly do now. My limits are clear and precise. I am so grateful for the ability to.say no
I am also of course not wedded to the notion of not being able to tolerate disapproval
I was so incredibly vulnerable because I did not have that window of tolerance
Now my window of tolerance is getting bigger every day. What a gift that is.
Thank you for sharing your challenges. It is so wonderful to hear your limits are so effective
