The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the negative energy spent in resentment and the power of forgiveness. The writer describes feeling much resentment toward an alcoholic mother who was not capable of unconditional love. Before alanon, the writer felt consumed with the energy of resentment. The program ultimately provided a plan to release that resentment and forgive, in the form of 12 steps. Working the steps enabled the writer to forgive him/her-self and others. There is one sentence from this page that resonated with me in particular: Ive come to believe that we all do the best we can at any given moment.
It is difficult for me to let go of resentments. I can hold on to old hurts and slights to the point that even thinking about them years after the fact can elicit the pain I felt in the first place. I have noticed that rather than one overall feeling of forgiveness for myself or other people, I have moments that will strike me when I will think about an old scenario in this way: you (or he) were only doing the best you could do at that time. There is then a feeling of relief. In my experience, one of the layers in the cycle of alcoholism is the one that feeds resentment. The thought for the day sums this up with the challenge of trying to notice how much time we are taking in a day to feed resentments; could we possibly put that energy somewhere else? I work at forgiving, myself and others, because it is a relief and a gift to be on that side, rather than wallow in bitterness and resentment.
I hope everyone enjoys a peaceful Sunday, and a Happy Easter to all who celebrate.
Good morning MIP and Happy Easter to all who celebrate. Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your shares & ESH. I spent way too much time in a negative mind space, focused on all that was broken in my life and all who had 'wronged' me. I can't say what exactly helped me get over that hump, but I can say that forgiveness truly set me free to be, live, love and act differently.
This disease brings about an enormity of pain, anxiety, fear and more. Recovery gives us a way to counter that and heal with time, effort and reflection. As I continue to practice unconditional acceptance of life on life's terms, the negative energy seems to be less and less and less. It will always be 'there' waiting for me to 'feed it' as is our program of recovery which helps me over and over and over again to change my focus and how I choose to spend my energy.
I am truly grateful for this program, my growth and the opportunity each day to decide to be a part of the problem or a part of the solution. Just for today, I choose to chase joy and let all other go. Enjoy your day family - I'm golfing today with my nephew, his friend and a friend of mine. Today feels like 'real spring' - warm, sunny, windy. While it feels different than all Easters of my entire life, I am excited for the change. Love and light to all - make it a great day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Dear Mary, 95% of the time I totally agree with this post however what happened to me was methodical and premeditated and he was not doing the best he could with the tools that he had as he was a wicked predator on young , helpless girls
That said, I do realize and I began to work on it a few years ago and that was to give up the hate and the resentment and all the poison I was holding on and I was only hurting myself. There are crimes that are just not forgivable and I had to spend years working on myself reclaiming myself and learning how to love myself and learning hell I did the best with the tools that I had in trying to cope and survive such evil. And I realized oh maybe five years ago at the most because its been that long Ive needed recovery Ive been in recovery 16 years and I would say maybe five years ago I began to realize that I was only hurting myself. So I , in prayer, realized that I cannot totally connect with myself and my Christ within if I am holding onto so much bitterness and resentment and absolute despising this person, so I became willing to give up all that negative energy not for him, but for me and for my recovery and for my better life and I notice slowly and I mean slowly I am feeling less and less resentment and bitterness and more healthy self love for me that I can share with safe others. But for the most part I would say 95%, this post is spot on and I have and this is so beautiful. For a long time I blamed my poor mother for not protecting me from this evil. And then I realized that she was his victim to and he ended up killing her in 1972 and I am so glad now that I have forgiven her for not being able to save me when she could not save her self and in that forgiveness for her I can remember the good years we had together and I can remember when I had my mental break down due to him stocking me and chasing me like some sick and evil lover. I got my own apartment and he would stand at my door knocking and trying to get in my house so he could hurt me again and I went crazy one night and went after him with a knife and some customers at the store next-door captured me and prevented me from stabbing him to death
It was right after that that I had my break down and passed out going down my stairs and my mom stepped up and she told him that he if he ever comes within 500 yards of me, she would literally end his life forever if thats what it took to protect me. And she sobered up and she took care of me and went to my doctor appointments with me because back then they just medicated you, mental health care especially where I was at in a small town was practically nonexistent if any at all but they did get me on medication and just having my mom taking care of me and protecting me helped a lot in the last two years of her life we rode our bikes together and we had fun together and I have this younger brother who was in our little special circle and we would go bike riding and we would hang out at the beach and my brother and I would catch quahogs for her and she would make the greatest stuff call hug for us and we would get out the clam rakes and catch clams and she would boil them and we would have them dipped in butter and I remember when we tried to teach her how to swim LOL I swear she would just stink like a rock and we would tease her but I had it not been for this program I would not have been able to forgive her for not saving me when she could not even save herself. I forgive her and I love her memory now and its all thanks to this program. When I pray I ask God to give her a I forgive you hug and that I miss her and that she did the best she could with the tools that she had and my brother and I talk about her a lot and he said to me that he was glad that I came to forgive her because really in reality, he and I were her two favorites and I said youre kidding me! And he said no! That he and I were her favorites and that he remembers staying in my flat with me on her orders and that he was to immediately call her if he saw my offenders car anywhere near our flat and my brother told me he had no problem reporting his sire because of what he did to me. And I remember how often he was with me and how literally he was living with me. And now I understand why it is because my mom when she couldnt be there to care for me and protect me, she had my brothers to stay and look after me. So yeah thank you for letting me share and thank you all for reading me - And happy Easter to everybody
Thanks Mary, and y'all. Early on in Alanon O heard about this "wallowing in self pity". The pity party. Get off the pity pot.
Not that I wasn't ready to change. I was not able. I taxed my brain ceaselessly trying to find solutions. I was not fixated on the A. on my life- nor did I really try to fix him. I took a lot more care of him than he deserved. But, in the end, this made me a much better person.
Forgiveness- I can do today in easy bytes- as the circumstances permit.
I can forgive myself a lot more- and whittle away at that depth of shame.
And i still use the serenity prayer, almost moment to moment nowadays- to sort out where the responsibility actually lies.
Thank you Mary.for your share. Indeed being around action can be more than trying. Setting limits for myself has been so key
Then there is the issue of expectations. Expecting an alcoholic/addict to be responsible and care about others is setting myself up to fail
I do indeed have difficult roads to travel. I have had to assert my goals on a regular basis during Covid
Setting a calendar that will not overwhelm me is another matter
I have a therapist who is helping me immensely ar the moment I am so lucky to have found someone who is responsive to my needs.
I am having to make adjustments every day. The missteps issue being a huge one for me. In my case the king rejatiibshio I had with my qualifier was a misstep I did not know how to get out of
Now when I make a mis step which I did recently I can recognize it. Of course rectifying it is another matter!
Nevertheless I can change it
In the next 30 days there is going to be a major change to my budget and some other major changes. Mis steps are part of life. I do not doubt I will have more mis steps
Thanks Mary, and y'all. Early on in Alanon O heard about this "wallowing in self pity". The pity party. Get off the pity pot.
let it begin with me.