The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning MIP. Today's reading discusses anonymity and how important it truly is. The writer suggests that fear of others finding out about their problems had them resisting going to Al-Anon. They didn't want anyone to find out, including their A. The writer's first step confirmed the fears - a neighbor walked in! Time showed that members took seriously, "Whom you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here."
The neighbor never spoke a word to anyone. The writer began to trust that Al-Anon was a safe place to get the help desperately needed, and realized the only one who would ever mention her membership in recovery was her.
Reminder: Unless I protect the anonymity of all members, Al-Anon will not be a safe place for any of us.
Quote from Al-Anon Spoken Here: "Our free expression -- so important to our recovery -- rests on our sense of security, knowing that what we share at our meetings will be held in strict confidence."
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Tradition Twelve - Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles above personalities.
What I admire about anonymity is that it levels all members to be equal. No matter who you are, where you come from, who you are related to, where you work, etc. you are not only welcome but an equal member. There's no award for long-term membership, no graduation - just family and friends of alcoholics who strive to recover from the affects of alcoholism.
I am one who did not want to attend Al-Anon as I held deep shame that I could not fix, control, change my family dynamics. We were the poster children for dysfunction, and I grew up with a FOO where we kept family issues 'secret' from the outside world. There was a picture of perfection we showed to the outside world, no matter what was real within.
It took me a while to learn how to focus on me enough to share about me, and not the alcoholic. It took me even longer to realize no matter what my A(s) did, how I felt, acted and reacted were 'on me', not them. It is in Al-Anon that I found the freedom to share openly and honestly about the disease, how it affected me and those I love without throwing blame/shame - just the facts & reality, as I saw it.
I have very simple boundaries about recovery - nothing that is shared with me, in a meeting, one-on-one, small group, etc. - formal or not formal - is not my news/information to share with anyone. No matter who was present/not present, each of us has the right to anonymity and I apply this beyond my program friends. When I share (without permission) another's news - good/bad - I am engaging in gossip which is unhealthy for me as it changes my focus.
Grateful for the gift of recovery, the many tenets and tools that unite us and the safety I feel/embrace sharing openly and honestly with others in recovery. Happy Saturday MIP family - picking up curb-side groceries this morning and volunteering this afternoon. Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Iamhere. Your post renews my spirit of hope knowing I have a safe space to share. I don't like sharing about my AH to friends/family because those that love me side with me and judge him based on my interpretation/version of the facts. Since coming to this board/Alanon, I have learned to focus on me (good or bad), grasp a better understanding of the disease (his and mine) and move towards love, compassion and kindness. I no longer discuss AH with my best friend-he has a right to his privacy and to be judged by his actions. By choosing Alanon, the traditions enable me to grow and keep our dignity in tact. A professional is a useful tool as they are bound by ethics. I feel better knowing I can use HP/Alanon tools to grow but not feel uncomfortable because I am amongst kindred spirits. Alanon and this board keep me on my side of the street and in doing so, AH is free to be himself and we seem to get along better. Have a fantastic day.
Thank you IAH for your service and for both shares. Yes I felt ashamed that I couldn't fix things, and that I needed help to do it. I did NOT want to attend alanon which I saw as a cult of some sort, and I never planned to have a sponsor or go to a F2F meeting. How would I ever explain that an intelligent and talented spouse was drinking and driving??? Of course desperation set in and I had to give program a chance. I felt out of options. And I was afraid people would talk about my issues, and/or someone I know would show up. I rarely think about these things, and if I do, I know that a person I might know who might show up, is here for the same reasons. It's all good, ODAT.
Thank you, IAH, and all for your shares. I love, love, love the principle of anonymity. At first, I thought it was about secrecy -- not letting the outside world know that I was participating in a program about being affected by alcoholism.
As I learned more, I could see that it does protect us from gossip, but it does something else as well, which is to keep us all as equals. No one is above or below another member because of their name, their job, where they live, etc. A fellowship of equals -- how amazing is that!!
Honestly, I don't think I would participate if it wasn't for anonymity. We all need a space/place/group to share what we struggle with without fear of it being repeated and shared with others.
I 'think' I am getting better at applying that same thing to AH. I know at first it was all about him,me complaining about him and what he is or isn't doing. I am noticing that I am doing that so much less as the focus on myself is starting to become more of a habit. He deserves anonymity too. I would hate if he went to AA and shared all my issues and crazy behavior with others.
I am happy though that the times I do start ranting about him I have this 'sacred' place and feel comfortable enough to do so.
Dear IAH--I can so relate to the having to keep secrets in the family of origin and I too was so shamed based. You just did not tell, and so we became very good actors, my siblings and me and just out and out lying if I asked about our family and where are we having problems like from the school or some thing if somebody asked but when I came into MIP in 2004, it took me a while to really get to the deep stuff because I was so ashamed and afraid and the anonymity part of it helped me in that OK I can be straight here because nobody knows where I live or my full name or anything like that Im just known as Rose or Rosie Lightshines or mama lioness. But its the anonymity that helps may be able to release all of this stuff that has been percolating and decomposing in the form of stored pain in my body and as I release and share and then release and share etc. I feel less pressure on my body I feel my nerves are getting better the spasms are pretty much under control I havent had one in quite a while now because I feel safe to share what I need to share. Thank you so much for your Service and I am still smiling at that post that I stole from you and didnt know it LOL good thing Im anonymous ha ha Ha. Thanks for what you do here
In public I will no longer talk about 12 step programs because it is so critical to be discrete. I know members who have been crushed on being revealed publicly
Boundaries for many of us are so incredibly difficult to deal with
Boundaries that mean we have limits. In fact fir some of us the concept of anonymity is one of our first glimpses of what a boundary is
Maresie, thank you for sharing the idea that for some of us, the concept of anonymity is one of our first glimpses of what a boundary is. That really gave me some insight that I want to meditate on.
A boundary is for my safety, not to punish someone. In Al-Anon, I can control how much personal information I share, and anonymity protects me and my loved ones -- that's a good boundary.
I feel happy that newcomers might experience healthy boundaries when they encounter anonymity in our program.
Good morning family and mahalo for the discussion before I got here. It has me thinking and remembering that had I not kept anonymity a important subject in issue of the disease it would have increased the weight on my alcoholic/addict and myself in trying to escape the negative issues for us individually and as a couple/family. The disease did not and does not have room for positive affirmation. Before program my spouse was not a sick person...she was a bitch and I was making sure all knew it.
I was wrong of course
until I surrendered to this program and recovery.
"She is known to me" was all I offered one evening when one of our Highway Patrol officers called for information on a driver and her car as she was found driving under the influence on the roadway. I didn't have to say more and the words alcoholic/addict were never mentioned after.
When she decided to get clean and sober my Higher Power used her efforts to support my own recovery. I've told the story here before and I am still in wonder how my Higher Power does the work it does.
Keep practicing anonymity it supports humility...and keep coming back please. ((((Hugs))))
Freetime. Oh my goodness! Yeah--anonymity is the first taste of a boundary. I never thought of it that way but yeah it is it is sending a message that I want my privacy--and you know when I talk two people, I really try to avoid talking about others if they are not there to defend them selves but if I have to mention something as an example or something like that I dont give names. I didnt used to do that before. I had no sense of boundaries before but now I do and Im really protective about peoples anonymity I might mention a first name like when Im in here but nobody knows who the heck that is and if I am face-to-face with someone I just dont mention any names at all. I try to thinkwould I want this to be revealed about me? Or would I want to be treated this way? As far as my Privacy goes and I use that as my guide
Thank you so much for bringing up the issue of black white thinking. Indeed I have just had an issue af work which I.could blow up. Indeed normally I would be railimg to the entire world.
Indeed there are people who lash out and call people names without a second thought . They are common and can justify their behavior at every turn.
Thankfully these days I can of course step aside when there is an issue. I can make alternative arrangements.
I have to deal with someone at work who very much reminds me of my mother not course safe is not my mother but they share many attributes. Thankfully I have limited that association. Setting boundaries is not my forte. Indeed those who are boundaryless set up a huge quagmire when anyone sets a boundary around them. So sad to see that in action on a regular occasion. So very very sad.
I have been working hard on the notion of missteps. Of course mis steps come with being out there in the world. In the last few years there were many mis steps. Going to.stay with my friend when I had to move out of my apartment being one of them. That was a mistep that went on for almost half the year Getting to mitigate those mis steps is of course extremely difficult.
Life on life's terms is a very hard Rpcky road. Somedays that Road is harder than others
Thank you so much for reminding us so often to temper our response to the alcoholic. My reactivity has often cost me a great deal. One thing being ny dignity
August Wilson has a eloquent way to describe your self awareness compassion and ability to forgive # #Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to vanish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength.#
A new member bowled up to me in a store yesterday. I told my SO- I can't tell you where i met this person- and she understood 100%.
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