Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

MaggieT · Newbie

Advice needed - asap

Debb · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome MaggieT to MIP and happy you found us to share with.

It would be a great help to you and your family to join an Al-Anon group in your local.

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/

There you will find support close to your home.

We learn in Al-Anon that we did not cause, cannot cure or control the disease of

alcoholism. It is very difficult to stand by and watch alcoholism take the people we

love, but we cannot force them to get help, Al-Anon is a wonderful program to help

with the hurt and with the tools and steps one can find peace and respect for ourselves

and the people in our lives that are addicted.

Please keep coming back to chat with us and wishing you the best outcomes for your

brother, you and your family.

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello MaggieT. Your situation is dreadful of course, but as Debb said, we cannot control the alcoholics we love. You might want to contact your local alcohol clinics and see if they have anything to offer, like an intervention. Sometimes a family plus an alcohol professional will show up together and attempt to speak to the alcoholic. Since your brother already has a wrecked liver and declined his next level of treatment, I'm not sure there is much you can do except get involved with alanon and learn what others do when they see a loved one destroying themself. It is so sad to watch this happen, and to me, also baffling, that so much help is available and many people just don't want it.

Please keep coming back. Ask your questions. Learn how to take care of you during this crisis. Wishing you all the best, Lyne

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

In many states in the US, you can have someone committed if they are in imminent harm from continues substance abuse. It usually involves family members petitioning the courts. I see you are in Australia, so I don't know what the laws are there. That stated, doing this, doesn't always help, as the person is not internally motivated and, as Debb illustrated, the person has to want the treatment for it to really be of success.

"interventions" work sometimes just to get someone to go to treatment - but rarely and you have no power over that.

Alanon is where you would gain tools to know and be okay with your choices, your actions and get support - knowing that no matter what you do, your brother may drink and do harm to himself anyhow. It is maddening and frustrating, but what Debb said is true. You cannot make someone want to get sober and most efforts to compel treatment and/or even mandate it aren't successful, as the person isn't wanting it for themselves. Plus it make you work harder than them for their recovery and comes at the expense of your self care.

So...You are not alone. This is not your fault. If he continues this, it will be very sad (is sad already). But you didn't cause it, cannot control it, and can't cure it (3 C's of Alanon).

MaggieT · Newbie

Thank you everyone for your replies. We just feel incredibly useless and frustrated. I will make sure we join al-anon and will keep you updated.

Maresie888 · ~*Service Worker*~

What a terrible place to be in. I.am glad you have resources
Some people do indeed drink themselves to death
That is a very sad time for everyone

Freetime · ~*Service Worker*~

Maggie, welcome. I am so glad you will get in touch with Al-Anon and keep us updated. You and your family are not alone in this situation.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Maggie - I too send you a warm welcome and so very, very sorry to hear of the pain this disease is bringing to your brother and those who love him. I've truly got no additional suggestions beyond what's been shared but do want you to know you are not alone and there really is hope and help in recovery. Keep coming back!!

newnoz · Veteran Member

Hi Maggie T

Where are you in Australia

This covid thing has put a lot of alcoholics on the fast track to cirrhosis IMHO. I am originally from the USA but i came here and rediscovered Al-Anon. I have a sober child. I also lost 2 family members to cirrhosis of the liver, my father and my youngest sister. I also lost a sister in law to addiction.

I hope you please call 1300 ALANON (1300 252 666) which is the number here and talk to whoever is manning the phones. There are loads of Zoom meetings as well as face to face. I'd gladly give you my number but making that call is important too.

Alcoholism is such a killer and it takes a toll on those of us in the family. Alcoholism is a lonely place for us. We find each other and find hope. One more thing. Alcoholism does not discriminate, rich or poor, in all places and religions you find it.

Take care of yourself first. If you go see him, bring family or friend to support you. Right now alcohol is in charge of him.

Much love and prayers

Nora

MaggieT · Newbie

Hi Nora I'm near Brisbane but he's further up north near Rockhampton. I found out from his wife today that he is Class C on the Pugh-Child scale. He went to see the doctor today and they referred him to a psychologist. We don't know how his physical health is because his wife is staying elsewhere. She checks on him each morning and says he's weak. We arent sure if he's stopped drinking but he has been more communicative the last few days so I guess that's good.

Skorpi · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Maggie.

I can just echo what others have said, and recommend seeking out an Al-Anon group. And, keep going back to the Al-Anon group, or try out several different groups. The program takes time to work, and it is a great source of strength and support for me.

Step 1 was an important one for me - admitting I was powerless over alcohol took a long time. I'm so glad I'm here, though! Realizing the difference between what was in my power to control (myself and my actions) and what was not in my power to control (other people and their actions) helped give me focus and brought me peace.

My thoughts are with you and your family, and I hope that today you find a moment of peace and serenity.

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Maggie, I just wanted to say you are not alone and if your brother does not want help, there is literally zero what you loving family members can do to help him change his path if he does not want to reach out for recovery, everybody, sad as it is, must let go and let God. Take care of yourself and please keep coming back here. There is a lot of support here and a lot of loving people here and you are not alone, trust me we all have alcoholics Who will not at the moment, change their ways and get into the program so it is imperative that I work my program and stick with my side of the street and if my brother continues on his liver will continue to swell and once I excepted my powerlessness over him, and that I could do nothing but to help myself with Al-Anon fellowship, I felt at peace I felt that I had gotten out of the way and let the universe and God take it from there. I hate the thought of my one remaining sibling passing away but I dont think about it I just love him while I got him. And hes so sweet thats what really is painful is that he is so sweet and kind and very popular he has a professional job he is a marine engineer and were talking top-flight and here he is drinking at night every night and when hes not out to sea testing electronica equipment on ships, he comes in deport and gets drunk while he is on his off time. When he tells May he is going out to sea, I am very happy because he cannot drink, however the winter is slower going and he has more opportunity to drink and now his muscles are having difficulty and I know its the alcohol dehydrating him and robbing his muscles of much needed magnesium so I got him to take magnesium supplements and drink lots of water but its either he chooses to do it or he doesnt--I can detach with love and peace for him Without getting tethered to his problems and neglecting myself

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi there, Im sorry you are having to deal with this! We are all here because someones drinking has negatively affected our lives. It feels horrible and is beyond your control. The book Getting Them Sober by Toby Rice Drews helped me in early recover as did the 3 daily readers ie; Hope for Today, One Day at a Time & Courage to Change. Sending you love and support on your journey!

Ileana · Veteran Member

Hi, I'm joining everyone to send you lots of support, you are not alone in this, we are here to support you.
We can pray for sick people but we can't control the outcome, we can only take care of ourselves to cope with the situation as best as we can.

Take care,

Hugs,

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene