The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I would like to share on my earlier journey with Detachment. I am no longer living with the active phase of Alcoholism, and haven't for some time. I still have a lot of Family members who have both sides of it, the effects and Active. So Detachment is still very important to me.
From my earlier Marriage with an Alcoholic, without Al-Anon, I learnt about Detaching, from him and his behaviour, as I could see what it was doing to me. I got pretty good at it, until he learnt what I was doing, not giving him an argument or reason to start drinking. Although he didn't need a reason, I knew he was just going to do it. So when he couldn't get me to react, he would pick on our 2nd Daughter, who looked very much like me. So once he did that he knew he had me, as I was not going to stand by and let him attack her. So that was the way it was done then. I remember him saying, because you did this, then I am going to do that.
So after a Divorce and some years down the track, I found that I had gone and done it again, I was into a 2nd Marriage with an Alcoholic. But this time I got help through Al-Anon, so started to learn and understand about Alcoholism the Disease. I had always known that the drinking was the problem, but nothing about Addictions. my 2nd one was so different than the first. The first was a bender drinker, I had some relief between bouts, the 2nd was a every day drinker, which was so hard for me. To have it it my face everyday. He was a nagger, would follow me around and pick, pick until I would blow up. He was also, nasty, vicious and over time he tried to take everything and everyone off me, tried so hard to get into my relationships, especially with my 2 Adult Children, he succeeded, as he had them onside. It didn't matter that I tried to tell them what was really going on. They wouldn't listen.
I was so early in Al-Anon, and trying so hard to learn and put it altogether. I wanted so much to get better, I hated the arguments, and I was a part of it, as I had a temper,and he knew which buttons to press. I started to detach, but with hate, and anger, but I still detached. Then someone gave me a book called Getting Them Sober, I have heard others on this program speak of them. There was a Chapter on Detachment, which I read.Al-Anon was working for me, but I needed more. So I understood what the Author said, and was ready to try it out. By the time I came home from work, I was already stressed as to what it was going to be like.
I already knew the pattern, I would come home, he would have been drinking, then start an argument, waited till I blew up, and then leave. I would be so angry, I would just start to settle down, and the phone would ring, it would be him. I would answer, he would start to pick, and then when I got angry, he would hang up. Well, it is a wonder that phone stayed on the wall. So came another day, I was ready for my plan, I came home, he was there, he started picking, I never reacted, he left, I gave him some time, then the phone rang. I knew it was him, so before I answered, I held the phone away, and kept saying, "detach, detach'. Until I felt calm enough to answer, so he started his nonsense, I listened to him for while, still calm, and then said,'OH, have to go now," and hung up. I got off that phone, and nearly danced around the room, as I knew I had broken his power. It changed after that, I got better at it, not all the time. But I knew I had to detach for myself, not his. I was learning about the insanity of the Disease.
A long time later, many years, meetings later, I said to one of my Al-Anon friends, "Have you ever had to detach from yourself"? She looked at me strangely, and said no. It was some time after she came to me and said,"You know when you asked me if I had to detach from myself, and I said No". Well, I know what you meant now." That is where I am today, I still have to detach from others, and my ISM'S. It's still not easy at times, but more manageable.
Wendy that is so mind opening. To detach from ones self. In the sense that often i get in my own way with those isms. The tining of this share is very valuable to me where I am now. With the start of new semester I've had to take inventory on last semesters shortcomings and work on overcoming them. Ultimately it's a discipline issue with a side serving of over committal. I've been working on allowing discipline to trump motivation. Sometimes this does require me to detach from myself with all my insecurities that manifest as self sabotage. I really could relate to the wonder at the phone staying on the wall and having a bit of a temper too! You've come so far and i just love recovery inspirations. Thank you for the honest share.
{{{Wendy}}}, thank you for sharing your story of how it works in real life! Reading about the day you detached from the phone call -- it made me smile with joy.
I too started my detachment journey with hate and anger -- and I have come a long way. I can still feel anger, but now I get to detachment a lot quicker, with the help of slogans and the work of the 12 steps. Detachment from myself -- from my old unproductive ideas -- is a good thing. I can laugh at myself, which has been a turning point in my recovery.
Great ESH Wendy... So, in the end it does become an inside job. I hated it that it took a lifetime to work out. But maybe this is how the world is anyway? I think I did want a quick fix? Not really... ...maybe not at all.
Great share Wendy - thank you for your honesty, ESH & the topic. What I truly like about our program is that I will never be 'done' - there's still much to learn. I am willing to have the courage to continue to be teachable, one day at a time.
I do know that willingness, for me is necessary each day, one day at a time. When I arrived at Al-Anon, I was truly upset and disappointed that those who came before me didn't give me the answers/solutions for my A's issues. I was angry almost when it was suggested I needed to work on me. It has been a process to really deeply understand that my joy and my serenity are my choice, my job and my goal. At any point, if/when I rely on another to make me happy, joyful, etc. I am leaning towards unhealthy thinking and emotions.
I have been battling my insurance company over the valuation of my vehicle that has been totaled. I have allowed this situation to affect my serenity in the spirit of fairness/principle. Long story short, I've had to practice a bit of detachment from the company, the adjuster and the process because I (it's a me issue, not them) tend to start taking it personally!! I have no desire to be taken advantage of or be a doormat. Yet, I am learning through this process that I can still personalize 'events' in 'life' that I shouldn't.
Love and light all - great topic, great ESH. (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
(((Wendy))) love your share. Love how you put it and yes, definitely detach from myself from time to time! Mine is usually when Im grumbling in my head or feeling so righteously pissed at someone or something. I just catch myself feeling the yuckiness and realize (thank you Alanon) its time to just stop and see what the heck is going on with self. I detach from the person I am behaving as and go to my tools to chisel my true, peaceful, enlightened self out from under the burden of false choices and counterproductive actions. Detach from self. Thanks for the awareness and the succinct way of saying it like it is.
So, in the end it does become an inside job. I hated it that it took a lifetime to work out. But maybe this is how the world is anyway? I think I did want a quick fix? Not really... ...maybe not at all.