The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH has been an alcoholic for a long time, longer than the 13 yrs we've been together. We've been on the roller coaster, rehab, bouts of heavy drinking, 5 yrs sobriety, and hospital stays. The past year has been awful and 2021 is not off to a great start. He's become so angry and violent. He's only been this way the past year, kicking holes in the doors, grabbing my arm so hard it's bruised, pushing me into a corner. I would never imagine he could be the way he has been recently. And he's still drinking and getting high. If it was just me, this would be a no brainer...I would move out. But our 2 kids are part of this and they don't like Dad being drunk. He's not a funny drunk...he's a belligerent awful drunk. I don't want our kids to have to listen to his ugly loud tirades littered with profanity about how I'm not his best friend and I use the kids against him. I just don't want them to have to listen to us argue. I grew up with my parents arguing...it sucks and drinking was not involved. I wish it was easy to just pack them up and get an apartment but it's so much more complicated. Signing a lease, getting a storage unit, $$$$...but I'm there. As much as I love him, I'm exhausted and I really don't want our kids in this situation anymore.
Of course, I'm the devil as far as AH is concerned. We stayed at my inlaws for a few days, he freaked. We went to a hotel for 3 days, he freaked. I'm not thinking for them, he says. I'm not considering his feelings, he says. I'm being selfish and not acting like an adult. We should just sit down and have a conversation like adults. And he's not the only one at fault...I have things that I'm doing wrong too he says, but I don't own up to it. Not everything can be blamed on his drinking he says. But impossible to have a conversation with a drunk person.
I'm just so tired. Just needed to vent y'all. Thanks for listening.
Welcome Cranberry, glad you found us and reached out. It sounds like such a lot to carry and like many of us, I can well remember that weight and send you lots and lots of support vibes. Alcoholism is a doozy alright re: impossible to have a conversation with an alcoholic which I'd add to as whether said alcoholic is drunk or not drunk. For it is as much a disease of the mind as it is the body and years of attempting to reason with the unreasonable can surely drain the body and spirit and confuse the mind. I know there will be other members of our programme and group along shortly to add their welcomes and ESH (Experience Strength & Hope); I just wanted to say hi and let youre not alone. For myself in a similar situation years back now, when the alcoholic had progressed into rages, it took me a lot of effort to find a way out. I was so tired and emotionally drained and in a state of confusion from what the alcoholic said and did which were subject to change and also often radically different. Very confusing in hindsight. I would try to be rational not fully understanding i was dealing with a type of insanity. I learned and am still practicing how to listen with my eyes. Essential safety tips: leaving time is the most critically dangerous time for women. So have a leaving plan, erase internet history, use incognito browsing windows. Find womens aide numbers in your area and get familiar with the protocol of using their services incase you need to leave in a hurry. I actually researched them before I left via phone call while he was out. After one more screaming match complete with shove after two weeks of total miserable despair, he stormed out and they arranged mine and the children's collection. That was in the grand scheme of things a low conflict leaving. No partner present, he was nasty but not erratic or intoxicated at the time and i knew our pattern enough to know he wasn't comimg back to catch us leaving on that occasion. Still a risk in hindsight. Overall i was empowered by at least finding out what my options were. Not sure what your exaxt situation is but looking up womens aide services would be my first suggestion. Take good care of you.
You are right that it's impossible to have a conversation with a drunk person....also it's very hard to have a reasonable one with them when they are sober as they are still so steeped in denial and their disease is working full force to protect itself and blame everything but self for the alcoholism and alcoholic behaviors. Just a note of support to stick to boundaries that make sense to you and watch out for being gas lit. You are not crazy and what you seemed to be experiencing is what is often referred to as "emotional hostage taking" (something that alcoholics do to wear you down and a form of gas lighting). While everyone has a part to play in relationships (even the sober parties) - it's not the alcoholic's job to tell you what is and isn't your part. That's your job. Boundaries, space, safety are all needed to even get clarity enough to figure out what your part in any of this. Anyhow, Alanon is the place to get those skills and support. Welcome!
I hear you cranberry....I hope that by venting, knowing you're not alone and just breathing a bit with others who do understand that your burden feels a bit lighter, just for today.
This disease is so strong and damaging for all affected - thus the suggestion that Alcoholism is a family disease. In reference to me, and how I now view myself - I'm a perfectly imperfect human. I did the best at parenting I could/can; I did the best at marriage that I could/can and thus, accepting I (and others) are human, and will make mistakes.
Vent away, ask for help, share as wanted/needed - just know that you're not alone and there is hope/help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Aloha Cranberry and welcome to the board. Actually we do not give advice and are encouraged not to because we get to keep the responsibility to what goes crazy and what doesn't in our own disease. There are alot of directions and suggestions that I made and could have made regarding the addiction in my family from birth to and including later the marriages and relationships that could have never worked.
What worked for me is what worked for the fellowship including AAers, Al-Anoners, Alateeners and the therapy practices I learned with how to help and support the families as they looked for the doors out of the insanity. Much worked and much didn't and the stuff that did work was what was learned and practiced using the steps, traditions, slogans and all experiences which were passed on, listened to and conntinue to be practiced.
I was born and raised in the disease of addictions on both sides of my families; lots of insanity and lots of deaths to confirm that alcoholism is a fatal disease if not arrested by total abstinence and then that included friends and acquaintences up to and including now. I dont endeavor to make you feel hopeless as I once did myself cause with this program as it has been demonstrated to me by the entire fellowship I can truthfully say my life is whole daily including this board and my MIP family.
Welcome...listen and learn and then practice, practice, practice what is being passed on.
Cranberry my heart aches for you. Your post was my life before I figured out how to create boundaries and detach. If you are like me, you arent without fault, but not as your AH would have you believe. Hes just gaslighting the heck out of you as alcoholics do to protect their drinking, letting alcoholism consume them. I was always guilty of taking the bait...hopping on the merry-go-round. I too knew not to have conversations with a drunken person but would take seriously and personally everything he said while drunk. I would let his alcoholism dictate whether I could have a good day or bad, stay or go, feel good and proud about myself or lost and defeated instead of realizing I was making the choice to allow him (alcohol) this power. It wasnt until I insisted on my boundary of not having him present if drinking, and not getting caught in the nonsense coming out of his mouth when he managed to get in touch while drunk on the phone or in writing that I started to become healthy. Im not downplaying the violence youve experienced. Thats the reason I excused my AH from our home. He didnt like it but figured out the only way he wasnt getting divorced was to honor my boundaries. I lucked out that mine figured out there was benefit, as he saw it, to leaving when asked because he could lean into his alcoholism without interruption. He still is to this day and the peace I have not trying to control another person is bliss. It took me some time to realize the blessings of being without him, but boy do I now. I wish you the best and safety. Trust your instincts and pay attention to escalations. Your (and your kids) safety comes first. Alcoholism gets worse, not better when drinking continues. Take good care of yourself and your little ones. ((((Hugs))))
