There's never a right/wrong way to set boundaries. I have been where you are (more than once) and what I know from my experience is mine will try everything/anything, when active in this disease, to 'have their cake and eat it too'. I feel your heartbreak and know it all too well. It took me being consistent with my boundaries for my guys to finally understand that No means No, not maybe.

The dance of this disease often has all members of the family doing things they would not do in a normal mind set. I know that retraining my guys for what is/is not acceptable was painful, hard and gut wrenching. Yet, I am were I am today and they are where they are today because of consistency.

Before recovery, I would 'try' to impose boundaries. I was not well-versed, and most were punishing instead of personal for self-preservation. Needless to say, I was not consistent before either and could be swayed. Whatever your boundaries are or need to be work much better with being consistent.

I'm not a label person so try not to wonder why mine are doing what they're doing. Instead, I just try to focus on what I need, and what I need to do for a peaceful moment, day, life, etc. Hang in there and keep coming back - you're not alone!

I know all to well the heartache of an addicted daughter. When she was active in her disease, there was nobody or nothing that we said or did that changed her behaviour. 

I had a huge false belief that I had some kind of control or influence over her and dragged myself literally through the trenches on a rescue mission of sorts. 

She manipulated , she lied, she stole from us and on and on. I lived in a state of fear and disbelief for a couple of years worried about the outcomes of her life. 

It honestly never occurred to me that as her mother  I had any other choice. I felt a huge sense of responsibility, misplaced guilt etc for another adults life.  She was young (17) when it all began .

Fast forward to today and she is living a life that I always dreamed she would be.  Happy, successful, and we have a very good healthy relationship. 

The thing is I could have saved myself a lot of pain and anguish if I had dropped my end of the rope sooner and sought help for myself instead of trying to fix/save someone else who did not want to be fixed/saved at that time. 

I learned to stand back and allow her the dignity to experience her own consequences. No more bailouts, loans, solutions etc. What a relief but it was not easy and it was not well received initially lol. 

My life is just as important as the rest of my family and for a long long while i put myself on the back burner as i thought that is what a good mother did. I am thankful that I learned another way. 

 

 

  I have a friend who is a hotshot in AA- who still smokes weed. Not all day and every day, mind you.

     I know people who rate weed along with smack [heroin] and speed [meth]. It is my personal view that alcohol causes much more harm than weed, overall.

I think that respecting your standards in your home is a no brainer.

When I was growing up- 16 to 18 year sold was the time to cut the apron strings. 21 was the magical age when we could get rotten drunk legally. Most males especially had been sly drinking for four years. But a 21st birthday party was a big rite of passage- where a lad was expected to drink from a yard glass.

At my age of 21 i lost two uncles to suicide- and that cast a long shadow over the year.

Today people say that our kids fully mature at 30 [daughters] and 33 [sons]!

Both our daughters live fairly close- and we have constant contact with grand-kids- so growing up and moving on has been much less disruptive. Our son lives a long way away- close to his partners folks.

A lot of us in Alanon are suffering from generational trends- so no-on in particular is at fault.

I believe that church culture is a great back-up and support.

And it is a place where everyone pitches in. We are all involved.

My beliefs come from Europe, middle east- and a little from the far east. My family values stem from this, along with the culture of Polynesia.

I was at my Alanon meeting last night. 5 members. Up until now there have only been 2 or 3 of us.

Our whole country is due to come out of lock-down today- which is a relief!

I am out the door today- for two weeks holiday... so looking forward to the change.  ...

Take care, Mama...

...I am continuing to pray for your situation... and as you read this, would you kindly spare a thought for me?

 Thanks...  ...

 

The smell of weed is really terrible
Setting boundaries is a hard one
One of the people I know is currently testing my boundaries. I am not moving on that

There are other options for people with substance abuse programs they can go to rehab
Whatever way the current situation is entirely her doing

I think the expectations are reasonable.  The delivery though is a bit strange in a signed contract form. It feels controlling. Of course we are controlling as homeowners. But do we need to extend that in our approach to our families? Just my opinion. God knows I'd probably unlawfully lock my adult children in a safe room if they turned out to suffer addiction and i know even that wouldn't work. Hard road.

I wouldn't take A41's comment as criticism. The point is, Alanon will teach the 3 C's which is - You can't control, cure, and didn't cause this. So, basically a contract is a boundary but it's for you and not the addict - As long as you know when you set boundaries whether written or oral, they are for you and not the addict. Addicts will do what they do. No contract will stop them or change their behavior unless they want to do it. I guess it's a bit of a semantics thing. You set forth your boundaries for your home and what you will do if boundaries aren't respected....which they usually aren't by an active addict. And like you said...she wasn't about to start respecting your boundaries anyhow....

I recall the many days/nights of extensive worry and anxiety over the disease raging in my sons. I lost sleep, friends, sanity, and much, much more concerned for them, their lives, their futures, etc. At some point after being in Al-Anon for a while, I woke up with the thoughts/mantra that, "It was not healthy for me to worry about another - health, sanity, future - more than they do!"

This truly helped me realize how powerless I was over what they did, said, etc. I even felt guilty when they landed in jail until I realized I slept so much better knowing where they were. I really, really had to just let go of any expectations of normal when the disease was active and trust my HP as best I know/knew how.

In my case, I did have to remind myself over and over that I did my job as best I knew how. I did teach my kids right from wrong, etc. The disease doesn't care about any of that and it's far more powerful than I. I will share that we were advised in a couple of treatment centers to have written contracts for rules, expectations, etc. and they never did work around here.

Hang in there mama - be gentle with you and know you're not alone!

I use to think I wanted life on my terms, but I really want life according to God's will. Obviously she isn't there yet. I love her but I have to put her in His hands. Psalm 46:10