The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In todays reading the writer describes being surprised at something heard at a meeting: that we (friends and family of alcoholics) can find contentment and even happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Like many of us who came to alanon, the writer figured the source of all problems in his marriage was his wifes drinking. Over time the writer learned that what his wife was dealing with is a disease. He learned to detach from situations that might provoke a problem. The writer learned to change his own attitudes and his life began to change for the better as well. The thought for the day sums this up nicely with: Changed attitudes do aid recovery.
I remember allowing myself to believe that all the problems in my life and then marriage stemmed from issues with alcoholism. In fact, I remember pointedly saying that to my now ex husband many years ago: that the source of the trouble we had all came from his issues with drinking. I couldnt possibly see how a statement (or belief) like that was also part of the problem. Over time, just as the writer did, I have been able to see better that the disease and the person are not one and the same. For me- a great deal of that realization came from this program but I have to admit I dont know that I would have that way of thinking if I were still living with an active alcoholic.
One of the most helpful concepts is one I attempt to preach everyday to my elementary school students: minding our own business rather than someone elses. It is sometimes as difficult for me to do that as it is for the 7 year olds I teach! What has been helpful is to see that my life changes for the better when I make changes for myself- it doesnt ever involve what someone else is doing or not doing.
It's so true that we need to look within for answers as well as our environment. Also really resontes with me to mind my own business first.... I've burnt myself out by trying to "fix" my A..... Only he can do that.
This weekend by actually showing him how his behaviour impacts me rather than bottling it up and putting on a positive slant on things has really shocked him. Me the one who's always sunny and positive lying in bed resting etc.... Honouring my flat as a pancake feelings
But I'm coming around...for me....minding my business only for now as I don't have the energy for it all at the moment.
The most important relationship I will ever have is with myself. The tone of the relationship I have with ME, sets the tone of all my other relationships.
Also just on a side note, a Buddhist nun gave me this advice once " What other people think of you is none of your business"
The business chat reminded me of it
Tbh it feels so good to be having some peaceful days since delving into this program. I didn't think that was possible before.
Well,actually it wasn't possible before while I was so obsessed with AH and what he was/wasn't doing. And also because I was basing my entire life on his moods and actions.
No,not everything is his fault,I have played my own role in all of this too. I know that now. I've always had choices and options but was unable to see that. Now I'm slowly making changes in myself and how I do things instead of acting so helpless to be able to do anything about it.
The biggest change is going from huge fights nearly every single day to it happening now and then. When it does happen I know it's because I allowed it to and change what I'm doing.
Thank you Mary for your service, and to all that have shared their particular wisdom! I feel such peace when I check -in here on Sundays!
I came to Al-Anon via way of Nar-Anon. My spouse at the time used Meth. There was an intervention, he went to rehab, we were separated (not legally) for awhile, then when I was more comfortable with my program, I allowed him back into our lives (mostly b/c I thought my young kid needed a Dad). Looking back, it was the worst decision I could've made at the time. But you know, hindsight is 20/20... I wish I would've known all the negatives that could've impacted my kid should my spouse have taken back up with an addiction (he did... alcohol). If I had known, I would have made a much different choice. However, some things were never revealed to me by my kid until recently, so how would I have known?
We are a peaceful home today b/c of the divorce. The first two years were oh so tough... both emotionally, and dealing with the EX who had not embraced recovery. Because my spouse and I participated in marriage counseling for a total of 11 years (not continuous), I do believe that addiction actually ruined my marriage. However, I acknowledge and accept that I played a part in the dynamic - I was a fantastic manager!! LOL! I believe no one but our closest family members knew of our struggles. And even then, the worst was always covered up by me.
I also now accept that most of what I did was out of fear and insecurity. There is a certain kind of damage to the psyche when you live for so long waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop... trying desperately to prevent this (whether that be walking on eggshells, providing excuses to others, paying for monetary damages, pretending all is peachy, making money appear from smoke to pay bills, etc). If I didn't have a child, I believe I wouldn't have developed this damaged psyche... everything I did was for the family... never for myself. I KNEW my spouse had a problem and once in Al-Anon, I knew only he had could control or cure it. But that alone did not provide me with peace and security... during my 3rd Step 4, I realized that was what I needed, but couldn't be provided by my spouse! Today, I truly enjoy living my life in the 'Say what you mean, mean what you say, and don't say it mean' zone!! It is freeing!
I am a continuous work in progress!
I hope everyone enjoys their Sunday! Here in my state, it is basically Spring... so I have planted blueberry bushes, strawberries, some herbs, and otherwise cleaned up the yard after an ash-filled winter. It is a formidable job! But, I am outside, the is shining, and my bare feet are grounding in the soil. I may be alone, but I am at peace!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you, Mary! Just the topic I needed to read today. Minding my own business has allowed me to have an enjoyable Sunday, regardless of whether or not others are making the decision to have a good day.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Happy Sunday MIP....thank you Mary for your service and the daily! Thank you all for your ESH & shares. I thought finding contentment in spite of what others were/were not doing sounded like pie in the sky thinking. I had many reservations when I first arrived simply because I had spent so much time obsessing over this disease, the diseased person(s) and how it 'made me feel' I had lost hope for any sort of happiness UNLESS others changed.
When I stopped viewing my life through a 'what-if' and 'when they' lens and instead turned my gaze at me, small changes began. While I didn't truly believe I would find serenity or joy through meetings, I kept coming back. When I battled surrendering to my powerlessness over other people, places and things, I was just shorting myself over and over again. Finding humility and acceptance in both myself and all others gave me the space to breathe deeply in how perfectly imperfect we all are.
My life goes better when I stay in my own lane. My days go better when I just live and let live. My relationships have all improved, not just those with the various A(s) in my life. By throwing blame and shame outward at others, I was able to avoid looking at and working on me. By owning my own humanism and mistakes, I'm better able to see that we're all doing the best with what we have - some just have different or more than others.
Today, I have contentment. I also have genuine happiness and joy beyond what I could have imagined. Nobody in my home, family or circle of A(s) have changed or got sober; I've changed. I have a very full life, and work to embrace joy daily with my family or with my friends. I now know that nobody gets to have a perfect home, family, marriage, spouse, child, job, etc. Genuine joy and serenity comes from within me, based completely on my spiritual condition. When I am centered, in my lane, focused on the next right thing, all is good. When I step out of my lane, and/or become off-center, I can quickly begin to look beyond self for the reason and/or the fix. That just never ends well for me, and only when I return to my 'place' do I find my serenity/joy again.
Next month, we will celebrate 30 years of marriage. There were many days in these 30 years I didn't think I'd make it or survive. I'm not only grateful for our journey, I'm proud that we stuck it out. I have always been one to 'run' in the past instead of fighting to get to the other side. Things are far from perfect, but good enough for me. What's awesome about recovery is we each get to do what makes sense for us and there's no right/wrong way to do this thing called life.
It's been a good day! Sunshine, warmer weather, spring in the air, golf - my kind of day...we are expected to have some storms headed this way starting on Thursday so plan to take advantage of the next few days! Love and light all - it works when we work it!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
is shining, and my bare feet are grounding in the soil. I may be alone, but I am at peace! 
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