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So I told my daughter to get help or she has to live somewhere else. It is tearing my family apart. My husband (a recovered alcoholic) has had 2 strokes and cancer and is a broken man, we can't do it anymore. My son, a recovered addict himself, is having a really hard time living with his sister and I can't sleep or eat - she says she hasn't got a problem. Me being the co-dependent I am, fall into the trap of believing her. I feel totally crappy right now cause I just told my 21 year old baby she can't live home unless she gets help. She is jockeying for outpatient help cause she doesn't want to go away again, all the while saying she doesn't have a problem. Her friends all tell me she does, her actions tell me she does, so why do I believe her words. I know what a manipulator she is, why am I allowing her to continue to manipulate? Both my husband and son have said they will move out if she doesn't get help or leave. I feel like the world is against me - I pray and pray for strength, but the hurt won't stop. I'm scared, I'm hurt and I'm completely broken. I know addiction, I enabled both husband and son and am feeling guilty because I am putting an end to that game. Does it ever get easier?
Mary... As I read your posting I saw my own family role- rescuer, victim, persecutor. And so on the cycle goes round.
I don't live in the USA. But my impression of treatment and treatment centres is that the actual pass-out rate is very low.
Being in a program might buy time- but if there is no willingness to change- that may be about all.
After years of experience I look at the rites of passage in our life. I grew up in the 50's and 60's. The expectation was that we started to smoke at about 15 or 16. And to drink a couple of years later. Then came the little car, the boy-girlfriend, a job for life. Then the mortgage and the white picket fence.
What hope for some families?
After growing up in an alcoholic home the chances of moving into an intimate stable relationship are about zilch.
When I look at the fabric of my family- this has gone on from generation to generation.
It is absolutely not the fault- or the responsibility- of one individual.
All family members may be trapped in this awful destructive cycle.
My answer has been to look after myself. To learn to care for myself.
Without being self centred, but centred on self. To create some quiet time for myself.
To learn to reflect- to connect too with some people outside of the family circle.
We are not alone in this journey.
It is surprising how many families face this dilemma on a daily basis.
Until someone actually says: enough is enough! ...
Exactly there has to be a willingness to change. She seems to be doing just fine in her chaos while everybody around her is shattered. I know I'm not alone, I have a huge support system with people from my church, my bible study, my recovery group and the rest of my family as well as the most important Jesus himself!. sometimes though, I feel very alone, like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I don't know how to put that aside. I'm good for a while and then the waterworks start. I know this is for the best but I still feel guilty. It never stops
Hang in there Mary. It is difficult and painful - BTDT - Been There, Done That. I truly had the grace of fellowship, meetings, sponsor, program, etc. when I made my son(s) depart. This disease is considered a family disease because the entire family is affected when one is active in this disease.
I have written quite a bit about the disconnect between my head and my heart relative to this disease. It is not easy to let go and allow consequences to happen. In my family, there's been improvement with me getting out of the way. We are far away from normal, healthy and/or perfect.
You are not alone and what helped me is this program, a sponsor, the three C(s) and the three (A)s.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I know why i felt guilty about my children's addictions even while people were telling me i did the right thing.
for me it was letting go of an image of myself as a mom with all the answers who took care of her children and raised them right. Actually I did a pretty good job but i saw the rehab program as evidence of failure no matter what logic or other people told me.
I also did not really grasp what being powerless over alcoholism meant for me or for the addict. I really could not do this for them. I could no more change the alcoholic than i could change gravity.
When my daughter ran away at 14 after rehab, when the fears started in my head i keep praying, repeating slogans and reminding myself she was in God's care. She was and is God's child before she was my child.
I don't know what you need to do. I don't even know why it worked for me. I was simultaneously miserable and at peace.
Feeling over responsible for others is something many of us know as a survival strategy as a child. That was part of the way I survived. For me it was like breathing.
Feeling responsible for others choices is part of that
I most certainly endured with people who made choices that devastated me for years. Of course it looked like I was trying to change things the rows, the bitterness, the lrecriminatiobs. Then the endless round of blame
Needless to say things pretty much remained the same
One of the biggest things that changed when I came to al anon was to stop arguing
I stopped arguing. I stopped remonstrating. I stopped making others the focus of my attention
The lessons I learned in al anon have heloed me tremendously. Taking care of myself has become a routine. Pacing myself
That is not getting to those places of total exhaustion.
Being at the point of exhaustion was and is the norm in dealing with an alcoholic. Chaos is very difficult to.navigate.
There is no need to feel bad about being in the situation you are in .
Navigating chaos is not a given. My family of origin navigated chaos for decades. Everyday a new person to blame. Everyday a scapegoat.
For some people being an addict/alcoholic is the norm. They somehow function within that rubric. I didnt function I was swallowed up whole.
Al anon can be an enormous helo. Setting boundaries is very helpful. Setting boundaries can be excruciating in the beginning
For me these days boundaries are the railroad that keep me on the straight and narrow. I am much more prone to set s boundary when I feel I need it.
-- Edited by Maresie888 on Saturday 6th of March 2021 07:58:23 PM
Mary... As I read your posting I saw my own family role- rescuer, victim, persecutor. And so on the cycle goes round.