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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> My partner has fallen off the wagon- I'm a newbie !
Post Info TOPIC: My partner has fallen off the wagon- I'm a newbie !
duffs


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My partner has fallen off the wagon- I'm a newbie !
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Hi everyone Thanks in advance for your support. I met my partner just under a year ago Within a few months it was obvs his drinking was a problem and he stopped in March. He told me he'd been in rehab years back but got lazy with going to AA, started casually drinking again but he does know deep down he can never have a balanced relationship with booze. He fell off the wagon in the summer and seriously injured himself, again he swore he'd never again, I believed him This month Feb he drank a bottle of wine in secret after I had a miscarriage and on my birthday just a few days ago I found a shot bottle of vodka in his Jacket pocket. He says he was exhausted after a few busy days late nights and he went in for a red bull and without cognitively thinking it through ended up shooting a tiny bottle of vodka before getting in the car to drive me home from my birthday day out. He's very sorry but my trust in him is gone, I know it's not a litre of vodka but it's the sneaking around I can't cope with. My dad was an alcoholic I know what it's like so does he his mum was. I'm a loss what to do, I'm still healing from the miscarriage, exhausted from all the worldCovid stress and also exceptionally busy at work having started a new promotion. I want a break for a few weeks from each other and I'll move away for 3 weeks to give us both space but is that the right thing to do when someone falls off the wagon ? I'm worried he will go into a spiral but ultimately he has to help himself and reflect on his recovery as I can't do it for him :(. Thanks so much for reading X



-- Edited by duffs on Wednesday 3rd of March 2021 08:21:35 PM

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Debb


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Advice on what to do when someone falls off the wagon- I'm a newbie !
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{{Duffs}}, welcome to MIP glad you found us to share with!

Sounds like you already know that alcoholism is a disease that can be arrested but not cured, and

that it is the drinkers business to take care of themselves. In Al-Anon we learn right away that we

cannot cause, cure or control someone else's drinking. I want to say that I am sorry about your

miscarriage, have been there once and I did find that it was an exhausting experience. We cannot

advise you as to whether taking a temporary breather from your partner is the right thing to do,

because it is an entirely personal decision that only you know is right or wrong for you. I think

that what ever you decide, joining a local Al-Anon group for support (of course you can always

chat with this MIP forum as well) would be extremely helpful to you, because having support

close by really is a big help when you are dealing with an alcoholic that is close to you.

Here is a link that maybe of help locating groups that either meeting via phone or zoom.

al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/electronic-meetings/

I hope that you can find peace in your decision, but I always remember that "When in doubt

don't". One Day At A Time Duffs.

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie
duffs


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{{Debbie}} thanks for much for your reply..... I really do believe what you say that it's up to my partner and that I can't control it as much as I'd love to find that " magic wand"

I've been looking up the meetings and hopefully will be brave enough to go and I really appreciate the support here.

I need to think of myself in all this and I feel that I personally need space as I'm close to breaking point with all the various stresses.... If I don't take care of myself then it certainly won't work.

It's hard to deal with the disappointment and the knowledge that the addiction will never go away....I wonder how can I live with the nagging voice in the back of my mind saying " when will be next time" but as you say " keep it in the day.... one day at a time :) "

Thanks so much xxxx

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Iamhere


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My partner has fallen off the wagon- I'm a newbie !
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Hey Duffs - welcome to MIP. So glad you found us and glad that you shared. So sorry about your miscarriage - you've got so much going on! If you've lived with an A(lcoholic), you probably know already that deep down, it's a disease and without treatment typically progresses. If you need a break or time away for ANY reason, you should be allowed that. I believe we who love alcoholics unintentionally enmesh with them and lose ourselves.

It took me a while of practicing self-care and putting me first to begin to see what was healthy for me and what was unhealthy for me. What I do know is that no matter what I do or don't do, say or don't say, scream, cry, beg, ask, demand, etc. my A(s) are going to do what they are going to do. My feelings, needs, wants, etc. don't rise to the front of their brains before they 'do' most things.

For me, I had to change me. I had to stop wondering who, when, where, why, and truly stay present. My sponsor used to say to me, It is 8pm on Wednesday, we are on the phone and truly all is well and you are OK. I needed that because my mind was always hanging out in the past or projecting unknowns in the future. When I keep my head, heart and self planted over my feet, I can truly see I am OK.

I don't know if you've experienced Al-Anon or not, I would suggest you give it a try. With the pandemic, it's challenging to attend in person or face-to-face meetings so there are online options. Al-Anon is what helped me get to a better place mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically. You are not alone - there's hope and help in recovery! Keep coming back!

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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
duffs


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Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience {{{{I am here}}}}

I do feel I need the time away to regroup, recover and change how I approach things or else decide to walk away. It's such a head melt 6 weeks ago we were having a baby getting the house ready now I may not have either but I am a strong person and resilient and know what my needs are and when they are not being met.

Can you recommend any books/ literature that I can read online to get me started with the Alanon program ?


Hugs XXX



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duffs


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Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom and experience {{{{I am here}}}}

I do feel I need the time away to regroup, recover and change how I approach things or else decide to walk away. It's such a head melt 6 weeks ago we were having a baby getting the house ready now I may not have either but I am a strong person and resilient and know what my needs are and when they are not being met.

Can you recommend any books/ literature that I can read online to get me started with the Alanon program ?


Hugs XXX



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Debb


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Duffs,

Follow this link to all Al-Anon approved literature:

al-anon.org/for-members/members-resources/literature/feature-publications/

Best of luck Duffs!!


__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie
duffs


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Thank you so much Debbs X

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Freetime


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Welcome, Duffs - Just adding to the wonderful link that Debb provided: If I were to choose two books to get started with, I would choose "How Al-Anon Works" and "Courage to Change", both available as e-books, and the free downloadable pamphlet on Detachment: al-anon.org/pdf/S19.pdf

Happy reading -- Keep coming back!

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duffs


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Thanks so much Free time

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Iamhere


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Sorry duffs - didn't mean to 'post and run'!! I agree with Freetime - love, love, love Courage to Change - probably because I have it in large print and my eyes just don't see as well as they used to. There is also quite a bit of good reading just on the Al-Anon web site - helpful for me when I was just starting out.

Another suggestion since we're still limited by the pandemic is speakers on YouTube. I've listened to both Al-Anon & AA speakers randomly - again, because my eyes get really tired of just reading.

Most of the literature has indexes in the back which were like 'gold' for me. If I were angry, disappointed, mad, sad, etc. I would literally look up that thought, feeling, topic and read what others said in our literature. It brought me comfort at times when I felt I couldn't talk to another (too confused / emotional) or middle of the night.

Keep coming back and keep sharing, reading, asking, etc. You're not alone...

__________________

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging.  Pause before assuming.  Pause before accusing.  Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret.  ~~~~  Lori Deschene

 

 
duffs


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Ah I am here , thanks so much.... I feel so supported already :)

I too feel v confused at times

I went to my first meeting tnite and so much resonated, the members were so nice

The belief and pain that he doesn't love me because he did falls off the wagon is starting to reduce... it's not about me it's his brain addiction......and forgiveness

I was cross with myself for being with an addict again ( 2nd relationship) and I never left the first addict he left me. I started blaming myself am I attracted to a certain type of person that is impulsive etc after growing up with my dad drinking. But I realise that they are v different men and it's not my fault it's just a sad disease that is all too common. I am starting to forgive myself.
There is so much shame involved.

Thanks all ....huge hugs



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Freetime


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Duffs, I am glad you went to your first meeting -- and that the members were nice. Yup, that's what we find in the rooms (and virtual rooms) of Al-Anon -- people who "get it" because they have been there.

And so glad you are starting to feel relief already. I've heard Al-Anon described as pain management for those who have been affected by someone else's drinking.

Keep coming back! It works when we work it.

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duffs


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That's such a good way of putting " pain management"

I will definitely keep in touch x


Warm wishes and smiles



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Debb


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I too and happy for you and glad that you found a group and attended!!

Please keep in touch with us as well!

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie
duffs


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Thanks so much Debbie

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