The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about the importance of simply listening to others when they are sharing. The writer describes walking with his wife and answering every statement she starts to make with a comparison from his own life. Most of her sentences were interrupted by her husband one upping her with situations of his own. After some time the husband remembers that his wife may just need a listener. He thinks of alanon meetings and the validation and healing that comes with simply being heard.
I recently wrote about how my big family was one in which we consistently interrupted each other, with a crescendo on each interruption. Attending meetings helped me see the importance of hearing one person at a time. I remember telling my sponsor how my first few meetings were difficult because I didnt feel ready to share and was too emotional. She told me that one of the greatest ways to serve in the program is to bear witness for one another. I think there may be genuinely good intentions in trying to relate to what other people are speaking about (and then respond), but I have learned that we dont always have to do that. Sometimes the most powerful thing to do is listen.
In real life I am a good listener,I always have been. Maybe even a little too much actually. There's been many times throughout the years that people have contacted me just to have someone listen to them, usually people I have only met one time.
There was a woman who randomly called me out of the blue to vent to about her husband. I knew who she was but didn't know her personally. I ended up having frequent phone conversations with her for a few years,all through her breakup and her divorce. Then I never heard from her again. Another woman did the same after the loss of her SO, for years,up until she met someone else and remarried. Another that I had never met,I think called my number by accident. I could keep naming different ones but I think you get the point.
My point in saying that is yes, it's important to listen to others. Many times all someone really needs or wants is a caring, listening ear without judgement. Because of my dysfunctional childhood I believed I always had to be there for others but I wasn't worthy of the same in return.
I need and want a listening ear too. Other than the therapy I've had(and paid $200 per session to be listened to) in past years I haven't experienced that. That's one of the things I love about this place,being listened to.
I deserve the same as what I have given to others. I know that now and need to work in creating my own circle of support.
Maybe what I'm saying isn't really relevant to today's reading since it's about listening to others. Maybe it is though but just in reverse for me.
Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your shares & ESH. As the youngest of four and the only gal growing up, I had to 'fight' to be heard...or so I felt. In my family of origin, I still feel that way often/at times. I have had to practice being a good listener in recovery only because my brain wonders, I fear not being to respond 'adequately' and I had a long standing habit or practice of working to formulate my response while the other person was still talking/sharing.
My sponsor simply suggested that listening for the lesson was a good way to practice. So, that's what I do. No matter who's speaking, how it's delivered, my fleeting mind, etc. I keep bringing myself back to the message and what lesson might be there for me and my growth. I readily admit that I am better at this some days than others, and my joy comes from remembering to keep practicing.
I also have a large family, both mine as well as the extended. As I've gained awareness and serenity, I am finding that active listening vs. talking when together really improves my anxiety and helps me stay planted in my joy and peace. My brother Jerry here often says that his sponsor suggested to him that he 'do the opposite'....this works well for me and is a tool I keep handy when I am interacting with others.
I love in meetings where we each get to focus on one share at a time. I love in meetings that I don't have to worry about another challenging my truth and my share. I applaud and respect the no cross-talk. It is in recovery and in meetings where I've become a better listener to learn vs. to help, manage, absorb, etc.
Happy Sunday all - my neck of the woods is still the the frozen tundra state of winter. We currently have snow falling...if it melts by next weekend, I already have tee times....so, so ready for spring!! Make it a great day - find and keep your joy!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
