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I've been coming up on gaps in my memory while working on my 4th step. The one I'm dealing with right now has to do with anger -- I don't ever recall anyone expressing anger, or the results of anger, of feeling angry as a kid...I know it was there I just feel like I can't recall it.
I also don't remember the year my parents divorced (I was seven); my dad moving out, my friends, my teacher, nothing at all from that whole year. There are other gaps too, and as I find more of them it's starting to freak me out. I'm totally future-tripping and assuming that these gaps are there because I'm blocking out some horrific childhood trauma or some worst-case-scenario.
I've been working the first three steps, esp about being powerless over my past (the parts I can't remember), the future (what I may come across as I feel safer to recall these things), and these dumb gaps (that on some level were put in place to protect me and to that end I guess have served me well).
I guess I'm feeling overwhelmed and scared though, and having a hard time staying in the present. Does anyone have an tools, ESH, thoughts they'd be willing to share?
Hi Irena. I don't really know what to say, I just wanted you to know you've been heard. It sounds to me like you're doing the best you can, with what you have, right now. I personally haven't had this experience but my Mum 'blocked out' the pain of her mother's death as quite frankly, life was hard for her at that time and she couldn't afford the luxury of 'falling apart'. Her memories resurfaced piecemeal and she began to deal with her grief, loss and pain a little at a time. She says today she's glad it happened that way because she had 'stuffed it' for so long she was afraid that when it did all come out she would be overwhelmed and unable to cope. She believes her HP gave it back to her in a way and time she could deal with it. My Mum is not in a program.
All I can think of to suggest is that maybe you could work on acceptance (this happened for a reason) and faith (that as you become stronger, it will become clearer) and trust (that it will happen in HP's time). You could work on developing your personal relationship with your HP. I would also suggest that you try to create a strong support network for yourself so that if/when any pain/sadness surface you have people to love you and be there for you. Take it little by little, one day at a time and just try to keep it simple. If you haven't yet got a sponsor perhaps you can begin 'scouting' and when it's time you will have someone you can trust to help you work it through using the steps etc. I hope something I've said may help and I wish you well.
It sounds like Ria has given you some kind, caring, wise, gentle ESH. I, myself, appreciate and respect the way she expressed what she had to share with you. In my opinion was very well thought out and loving.
I have experience with "MEMORY GAPS" myself. I found this to be extremely uncomfortable along with all sorts of other feelings. This goes back over 20 yrs back when I started looking into so called recovery processes, healing methods, or whatever else, for ways to FIX /HEAL myself. I had a very dysfunctional family and life from then on to present. I was in a BIG HURRY to get somewhere with ME. At this point in my life as I look back, HURRY can cause alot more pain and confusion. I felt pressured to COMPLY with whatever process was there at the time, to get the RESULTS to CURE myself of the problems and LIVE a functional LIFE. Their weren't any magic pills or instant answers or fixing of me RIGHT NOW and in a HURRY. It wound up being a slow/life process that I had to get a balance/focus on and deal with the past along with the rest of my life so to still live with today and not be drownded by a past that already took its toll on me already. I had started believing the answers for myself were in the MEMORY GAPS. Not necessarily so i found out. I even beat myself up for not co-operating with myself so I could get better, as was the impression I had that recovery would do for me. Short of totally destroying myself, I had to finally come to a place where I had to stop/back up, take a break and take a retake of the way I was approaching this stuff so I could RECOVER. There was some pleasing others-stuff going on in it and taking on the intensity of others feelings to escalate myself too besides my own distrust of myself in the ability to deal with life and be a so-called functioning human being along with the rest of it.
I still have MEMORY GAPS. I don't let myself pressure me like I used to. I decided if I was meant to remember, I might some day and in the mean time I would deal with what I did know about and maybe alot/plan some time to delve into the MEMORY GAPS if I had the time and energy left to do it. I had to find a way to ACCEPT that thats the way it is for me and maybe I'm not supposed to know, who knows for sure, maybe only HP. I sure couldn't make my life be better being hung up in the unknowns of the past that I had already survived thru, and I didn't want that to destroy me living into today and holding me back from going foward like it was doing. And causing more dysfunction and misery to boot.
So I gave up, let go, decided that I had to re-focus and put this recovery stuff in a different perspective. I had to become more selective in who and what I listened to and decide for myself how I was to proceed in my best interests instead of allowing others to pressure me into their ways of doing it that may not be suited for me and my experience.
In my opinion, we all walk a different walk, and all have our own individual way to have to deal with our own individual life and the decisions we make. The only one to have the consequence of that is ourself, anyways, of the way we choose to go about it.
So I wish you well and be gentle and caring in taking care of yourself on your jurne of healing and recovery. Take what you like and leave the rest. Its a life time process. Blessings to ya and ALL the rest..............
Your Sis in the world of RECOVERY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!..................
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 07:19, 2006-04-26
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 07:25, 2006-04-26
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 07:59, 2006-04-26
-- Edited by d53sjurne at 09:25, 2006-04-26
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I tell myself when times are rough, "this to shall pass!!!" Ask HP for guidance, if the door is open, and I know how to look, I will become aware! I also visit http://www.inspiringthots.net/ . Blessings , Your sister in Recovery
I really can't tell you how helpful your post has been. The main reminder I got is that I have plenty on my plate to work on right now, and I get much more done with gentleness. And when and if my HP wants me to work on that other stuff, I'm sure it will become clear if I am open to listening.
Acceptance...that's the one that comes after Awareness and before Action, right? lol I have a really hard time with acceptance some times, wanting to get it "done right" (and, more to the point, wanting to get it "done RIGHT NOW"), and I needed that reminder a lot. I don't get to take action until I get THROUGH acceptance, so that's exactly where I need to start right now, today. Thank you so much Ria!
I could so relate to your post. After starting and stopping my 4th step inventory several times, I called my sponsor with the same concerns. She told me it is my HP's way of gently easing me into those memories I have surpressed for so long due to their painful nature. When HP feels I am ready I will gain clarity on those memories. She further explained that it was also a way for me not to distort the memories to my advantage (ie: emotional blackmail etc.).
I have had some breakthroughs with some memories. Some I found weren't that bad as I had the tools to handle them. Some were painful, but I walked through the pain and healed. When I needed to I made amends.
As they say it didnt take a day for us to be the way we are - it wont take a day to fix.
Good luck with your inventory and remember to be gentle with yourself.
Karen
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Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
in the world of
RECOVERY 