The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, 1/18, talks about why we need to focus on ourselves.
The reminder says: Is the help I offer truly loving or do I have other motives? Am I trying to change another person or get them to do what I want? Talking it over with my sponsor can offer perspective. My best hope for helping those I love really does begin when I focus on myself.
And the quote: In alanon we learn:
-Not to create a crisis;
-Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events.
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I understand this reading and it makes so much good sense. I also have a real challenge observing my A self-destructing with food and alcohol. And I did just bring this to my sponsor last evening. I ask my A an occasional question in a respectful way to allow her to think about her behavior. Is this meddling? Probably. Am I minding her business instead of my own? I think so. Can I do what I am supposed to do all of the time? NOPE! But tomorrow is another day and I can try again. Progress not perfection. :)
It's so hard to stay focused on myself because it's simply not something I'm used to doing. It doesn't feel natural or normal...yet.
I know with AH,he has so many health issues that sometimes I feel more like his mother than his wife. I don't like always reminding him to do things like sanitize his hands,take his medicine,use his inhalers,etc. He gets upset when I remind him saying he's not a child. But am I supposed to let him suffer the consequences for not remembering to do what he should?
Happy Monday MIP - thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH & shares. I am not sure what it is about asking questions of those with addiction issues, but it certainly lights a fire up around here. Thus, part of my detachment is I do not. I literally had to bite my tongue in the beginning yet discovered that many arguments in my home were started by me asking what felt & seemed like innocent, caring, conversational type questions.
When I opted out 'at this point' instead of after agitation set in, I had several Aha moments. To this reading, whether I asked questions or offered suggestions with the best of intent, more often than not, I was trying to change another or interfere in the natural consequences for another. I also came to see that I cared more about the health, future, happiness, etc. of my guys that they did. Ultimately with my sponsor's help, I came to see this as unhealthy and obsessive.
I have come to ask questions only on a 'need to know' basis. It got really awkward before it got better. I don't seek out my A(s) in the hopes of having a conversation, instead I allow them to do so. If they don't, I can accept that as I have a tribe of others who genuinely care about me, what I think and those conversations are so much better/satisfying.
I am one who needs a constant reminder that this disease, the disease of alcoholism/addiction is a disease that affects one mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally. Left untreated, all 4 of those areas are damaged and I'm better served by focusing on my own 4 areas, getting my needs met in healthier ways, etc. For me, it was a cosmic shift in how I viewed life, love, relationships, honor, respect, etc. Rethinking all of 'this' has helped me find a freedom and a peace I was not sure existed. Far, far, far from perfect, yet progress is great to/for me.
I can't explain to anybody how it works but I can confirm that when I redirect my focus to me, my day, my needs vs. those of another, life is just calmer and I am more serene. I have spent a ton of time in recovery praying for zipped lips because it's a life-long habit to express my thoughts whether asked or not. I do know that when I keep my mouth closed and focus on being a better listener, in all areas/aspects, I learn way more about life, love, expectations, relationships, etc. Often, by default of what I don't need, what I don't want to be like, etc.
It is almost dinner time and just hit 40 degrees. I volunteered all day at the golf course. I guess because it was a holiday and most folks are tired of being stuck at home - not sure - but it was crazy busy today. In years past, golfing when it's in the 30's was insane...not so this year! I was expecting it to be a lazy, care-free day - and it was not....so - even in other areas of my life, my expectations can set me up to not be 'ready' for life as it unfolds. I was expecting a boring day and it was actually a ton of fun to laugh with complete strangers about being outside to golf in January!! I am golfing tomorrow & Wednesday, and then volunteering Th., Fr. and Sat. Grateful to own many pairs of long johns....going to need them. Love and light all - (((Hugs))) too!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
