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Hi! This message board was very helpful to me when I left my marriage almost 4 years ago. My ex is an active alcoholic. I mistakenly thought things would get better for my children and me once I finally moved out and took the youngest with me. The two older ones were already living on their own. Things did get better for me but not necessarily for all of my children. He calls them and tells them he will kill himself and that everything is my fault. They now live in fear that something terrible is going to happen to him. I dont know what to say anymore. He has decided that our son and I are responsible for all the problems in his life and that dealing with us had led him to drinking. Therefore, it is not his fault, it is our fault.
Please share any thoughts you may have about how they can show love for their dad but not fall prey to the fear and anxiety he invokes in them. I was at least able to walk away. They cannot.
GracieP,
Im sorry you and your kids are dealing with all that you described. Education on alcoholism for your kids and therapy if it is possible can help. Getting them on track to detach seems helpful. Helping them understand their dad has a sickness that causes him to act out in ways that dont make sense and arent helpful to them, allows them to be the center of their world rather than him. When he says he will kill himself and its all your fault, take the drama out if it and help them see he is simply not taking responsibility for his own choices. Approach it straight forward...oh, thats too bad your dad is refusing to get help for his sickness and refusing to take responsibility for his choices. Ask something completely not dramatic like, if you dont put your clothes in the hamper, can you jump up and down and tell me its my fault your room is a big mess? Of course not, that would be silly to imagine. Take the big scary chaos out of it and let them see the reality of his nonsense. Also saying Im sorry you had to hear him say those things. That isnt an appropriate way to talk to your kids connects them firmly to the world of appropriateness. Start them early drawing healthy boundaries like not talking to him if hes been drinking or if he begins acting inappropriately. Teach them to step outside of it just like you have. You can show them his chaos is his and doesnt need to be theirs. He may be their father but it doesnt mean he has the right to occupy an abusive position in their lives. Help them start now focusing on themselves instead of his alcoholism. Oh, hes saying big blustery things again? Hopefully he makes better choices dealing with his illness for himself and finds a way to behave appropriately. Now what can we do to take care of you? (back to parenting the child and away from the reversal your AH is attempting) What would be a nice way to spend the next hour or our afternoon, what should we make for lunch (focus back on the kids and life without chaos). Theyll take your lead. Its teaching, what is the next best thing and turn the focus to self. Your adult children can benefit from the same things you do with Alanon. Put the focus back on self. The other thing that is huge for kids is making them feel safe. Tell them, thank goodness you have me when your dad acts like that...reaffirm, youre safe with me. I know you originally asked how can they show love for him, maybe the more important thing is how can they show love for themselves? Not subjecting and connecting themselves to chaos and craziness is love. You cant have a meaningful relationship with an active alcoholic and stay healthy. I came to Alanon to get healthy. My suggestions were all things that have and are helping me and mine. You and the kids deserve a healthy life. Worry about yourselves. Youre worth it.
Dear Maresie, tiredtonite, sunmustshine, Debb, and DavidG:
Thank you to each of you for your thoughtful words. You have reminded me how much this message board fortified me when I first left my 30 year marriage. I have to learn over and over again how to detach with love. So do my kids. I have passed on the many useful suggestions you made here to them. I will also implement many myself.
Boundaries have been been very hard for me i have had to practice them
Please note that this is very hard work. Feeling responsible for others is truly a burden. Whatever your ex husband says no one is responsible for him but himself
Hi, Gracie... I recall long ago, my father's words- as he left out home to go to the bar:-