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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> January 14, 2021 – ODAT – Honesty With Ourselves
Post Info TOPIC: January 14, 2021 – ODAT – Honesty With Ourselves
Debb


~*Service Worker*~

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January 14, 2021 – ODAT – Honesty With Ourselves
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Todays ODAT reading suggests that if we know or sense that someone is resentful or dislikes us that we can seek to understand why. 

It is then, when we are honestly seeking those answers that we can learn, not only about ourselves but to have an opportunity to make

amends if necessary. It is suggested that if we are hurtful and make excuses to ourselves, that we have built a second wall between the

person and ourselves we may have hurt.  The first wall is our inability to accept the challenge that we may have done something wrong

to someone.

Todays Reminder:

It is a relief to acknowledge that I am human that I do make mistakes and that I am willing to correct them.  I cannot help but to like

myself better after the air is cleared.  In clearing the air I actually become a better friend to myself.

 

God help me to avoid the temptation to deceive myself by justifying my actions when they are wrong.  Make me strong enough to do

what I should to keep me serene.

My ESH concerning honesty boils down to that for the most part Ive lived my entire married life worried that I did something wrong! 

My largest task concerning this part of Al-Anon was to learn to honestly look at myself to determine did I actually do something wrong

to AH, who would have me believe that I was this terrible intrusive ignorant selfish human being.  I basically needed to admit my part

in the chaos of his alcoholic ranting and detach with love in order to find the serenity to work on my own self worth.

I had two walls, AH and myself.  Once I learned about the alcoholic and the tactics, I was able to remove one wall in order to reach me,

then HP and Al-Anon helped with the restoration, via working the 12 Steps. Thank you to my HP and Al-Anon.

It is not easy to detach with love, there are times I have had to physical and/or mental leave the house.  Have tested a number of

different ways to do that, physically is easy, you just get out and go somewhere, mentally is tricky and everyone needs to find what

works.  For me, reading/meditation/music are great way to mental escape.  The music is something I just discovered is wonderful!

One Day At A Time!!

{{HUGS}}



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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie
Lyne


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Thank you Debb for your service and boy did I relate to your share. I lived half of my life thinking I was always wrong, and felt like a despicable person often. Everyone else was fine but if a problem arose it must be me. I was too afraid to bring it up for making things worse. I shutter to think back to those years. Yuck!

Fast forward many years and into program, I've given up being automatically wrong. I don't mind re-thinking my behavior and trying to evaluate if I need to make amends. Recently I had an issue with a program friend who treated me harshly during a zoom meeting, for no reason I could see. In a text privately I asked her if I had done something wrong or offended her, and if so to please tell me what it was. I got back a very nice text with an apology. Life is different now...grateful member.

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Lyne
PosiesandPuppies


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Thank you Debb for your service today and your good share. Thank you Lyne for your share as well.

The desire to live honestly, that is the key. We must learn to be honest with ourselves first.

&



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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 
SunnyFrogs


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Forgive me if I have shared this before. When I was a child, I was blamed for everything and anything, I was the family scapegoat. It didn't matter if it had anything to do with me or not I was still blamed and punished. I took on that role of scapegoat and eventually I started admitting blame for everything just to hurry up and get the punishment over with. It was just easier that way. As a teenager I was beaten up by my drunk brother(he broke bones) I knew I would be blamed anyway so I said it was my fault for providing him with the alcohol. I was yelled at and punished and told "you should have known better". I would still be the family scapegoat if I had my FOO in my life, I cut them out though, that was just one of the reasons.

Of course, as dysfunctional as I was{am} I am married to someone who blames me for everything. No matter what it is. For many years I accepted and took on the blame but I don't do that anymore.

I am the first to admit my own mistakes and to try to make things right when I am wrong, when I am genuinely wrong and not just being blamed by someone else. I have wasted so much time and energy arguing with AH, trying to get him to admit his own mistakes and tell me things are not my fault. I haven't been doing that much at all lately because it's pointless. He's gonna continue blaming me and there's nothing I can do to get him to stop. I know what the truth is and that's all that matters.





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PosiesandPuppies


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SunnyFrogs - It takes courage to emerge from years of dysfunction. I admire the growth I see in your posts... I just wanted to say that.

__________________

"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend

"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness."  Mary Oliver

 

 
Debb


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Thank you Lyne, PNP and SF for this discussion!

I wanted to add to PNP's last post to SF that I agree, I too admire you SF for your growth and strength!! {{HUGS}}

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie
Maresie888


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My former qualifier blamed me for eveything. Recently he got a DUI.  He took it upon himself to.call.  i knew about the DUI.  I.did not answer. He had the nerve to leave a voice message 

 What incredible conceit. Hi I have not called younin years. Now I have. DuI let me come dump.my problems on you .

What a class act he was!!! 

Certainly I internalized the blame. In theory being the scapegoat makes you the truth teller.

Every role in a dysfunctional family is enmeshed. Apparently the most enmeshed is the favorite 

I most certainly got into a pattern of relating to those who refuse to be reciprocal. Now every day I wiork on my.boundaries.

The boundary being thar I need to take care of myself better. For some reason I thought I could do the big boundaries in relationships. I didnt even have the little boundaries done 

I could not even deal with minor irritants. So how then could i deal with the former qualifier 

I am so much more self reliant these days. I count on no one. 

I would not  even think.of counting on people to take care of me.  I was seething in anger for years because I felt treated unfairly in so many settings. I was stuck on a groove 

Maresie. 

 



-- Edited by Maresie888 on Thursday 14th of January 2021 07:55:07 PM

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Debb


~*Service Worker*~

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Mary, I am just getting to know you, but can tell that you have done some pretty heavy

Al-Anon work and you should be proud of what you have accomplished.

__________________

"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown

Debbie
SunnyFrogs


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Thanks for your comments PNP and Debb.

I kinda feel like I over shared but I guess it is what it is. I can't really hide my messed-up-ness and expect to make changes. I can't change what I don't acknowledge.

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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> January 14, 2021 – ODAT – Honesty With Ourselves