The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's author observed a colony of bees and drew a parallel to detachment from the alcoholic. By not poking into their business, especially when there may be physical, spiritual or emotional risk, we can avoid getting stung when we maintain a safe distance. We still love them, but we recognize the risks and make safe choices.
Reminder: Detachment is a gift that I give to myself and to others. It can help me step away from conflict, put an end to arguments and remember that I am powerless and ask for help from my higher power.
"If a man carries his own lantern, he need not fear darkness." Hasidic saying --------------------- For far too long, and sometimes still, my concern for others takes the form of trying to do too much or getting into their business. This never has, nor ever will, work out for them or me.
Good intent is not enough to bring healthy outcomes, my actions must be driven by spiritually sound concepts. These include remembering:
* I am powerless, my higher power and theirs is not.
* I don't know what is best for myself and certainly not others, I can only make my choices.
* Keeping some physical, emotional, and spiritual distance from others may be necessary for the well being of us both.
Grateful for the wisdom and reminders of the program
__________________
Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thank you Paul for your service and good reminders. Staying mentally balanced is a priority for me, and therefore as you said, detachment is a gift I can give myself. Left on my own I was unable to find peace and serenity. I need the help of program, HP, and all the wonderful people helping me along my path. I see change and want more. Thats why I keep coming back. I know it works when I work it. :)
Paul. I keep bees, as a hobby, so I suppose I do understand them, somewhat. I used today of myself- that I would "gatecrash" a conversation, and just hope for the best. Much better now... ...other times i would just revert to being "a fly-on-the-wall kid."
I was thinking about the bad old days- for boys anyway. "wait till your father comes home". And that included uncles and grandfather too. In the day, in NZ there was 6 O'Clock closing. Yes. And fathers would come home tanked up. And kids; boys especially would get a walloping. Other things happened in families too- that nobody ever talked about. It was taboo.
I am not going to talk about my own situation here, not now, anyway. Just about today. I look around in our community. Seeing fathers pushing prams. Seeing dads at the park with their kids. In my childhood stuff like that was taboo for males. Or it seemed so in my world.
I look forward to the day- where there is no need for Alanon, AA, NA, and the rest. I may be a dreamer, in this respect. "A bug-eyed optimist."
Boundaries, detachment can build a better world. I always say that charity does belong at home. Home itself; kids and grandkids. And then a community, nation and the world. [Whanau, kainga, whenua.]
I am away from home, working on the coast.
I am taking emotional risks, even here- with this group. Because I am much more amenable to learning these days.
The fragile lock-down F2F group I gave my phone no. to. My SO grumbled a little about wasting fuel.
Good morning MIP and happy Tuesday to one and all. Thank you Paul for your service and the daily! Thank you all for your shares & ESH. I am a work in progress and forever practicing our program, especially those tools that help me keep my serenity and sanity. Detachment is so, so helpful when I pull it out and use it!!
For me, I have to be gently reminded each day that this chronic disease, for which there is no cure, has affected me in ways yet to be revealed. I have learned through 'stings' that when I run around, trying to manage other people, places and things and then grab for a tool when hurting, it kind of works. Yet, when I work this program as best I can, one day at a time, trusting the God of my understanding, it works much better. I can still fall into the old habits of self-will and self-reliance, and it just doesn't serve me or others well at all.
I can better practice healthy detachment when I am embracing recovery as a whole solution and not just a quick fix. When I came to Al-Anon, I felt lost, broken and hopeless, and my life and days felt truly out of control. It took me a while to realize I, with the best of intentions, took the weight of the world on my shoulders often/always. Nobody asked me to; I put myself there believing it was the right thing to do. Learning how to detach and concern myself with my needs first was difficult, but necessary and rewarding.
I've said it before yet will say it again - that silly act of just pausing has been so helpful for me to realize, "Not my circus, not my monkeys." I may be hearing or witnessing something that appears completely insane to me, yet can detach when I trust my HP, my program and my progress. But for the grace of God.....
I am thrilled that we've got sunshine today. We also have a milder day, so golf is the plan for my afternoon. It will be nice to change things up today - looking forward to the outing! Make it a great day all - choose joy!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Paul for your service and the sound reminder.
IMHO, detachment is a short-term solution... but I have known people who seem to be able to use it long-term as well! In many ways, I envy them. I am however, learning more about myself. My needs, my boundaries, what I can and cannot tolerate... then how to appropriately respond in the best way for my peace/health.
&
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I have been reading so much about detachment lately and I am grateful for that. Today I poked at the bees trying to tell AH that something he did for our son, in my opinion, wasn't the right thing to do. Of course it upset him and his first reaction was to lash out at me. I should have minded my own business but I didn't. Live and learn though.
I was, however, able to walk away from his rant and detach from the whole situation.
And I mean the walking away and being able to detach...It took me a long time to truly understand that I have a solid right to my opinion, but that it may not be appreciated by others, and to bite my tongue.
What helped for me was the acronym THINK:
1. Is it True?
2. Is it Helpful?
4. Is it Inspiring?
5. Is it Necessary?
6. Is it Kind?
I found that #5 was the most helpful for me. For example, many times something I wanted to point out to my spouse was indeed true, and many times helpful... but most of the time was not necessary. I had to learn how to 'Embrace being happy instead of being right.'
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Paul. I keep bees, as a hobby, so I suppose I do understand them, somewhat. I used today of myself- that I would "gatecrash" a conversation, and just hope for the best. Much better now... ...other times i would just revert to being "a fly-on-the-wall kid."
& 