The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
There are now some new technical terms to describe some of our issues in recovery
One of them is #backdraft# that is when we start applying boundaries, regulating our emotions and doing better self care we sometimes have to deal with even more symptoms
The other issue of course is when we begin to set boundaries with certain people they resist more
So for me personally when I push hard on my recovery which I have been able to do this month the results will not ge instant
I am constantly working on my boundaries. Even the small adjustments are difficult. People do not respond well to boundaries. One way I had to do boundaries was to be irritable and set boundaries by default. Well tine to throw that one out I am not willing to give people ammunition
In some ways it can be fun
When my boundary radar is going off I get to try different responses. Certain people do not let up
I've not heard the term "backdraft" before, I've heard of backlash though,maybe that's the same thing?
Setting and keeping boundaries is hard, especially with those that are,and have been,a part of our daily life for so long. They want things to always stay the same. And they will do and say whatever they can to keep things the same.
I'm glad you're having fun with boundaries and recovery. I'm sure not finding it fun at all but it does feel empowering when I set boundaries and keep them.
Interesting to hear new terms in recovery. To me, boundaries = limit setting. I have many opportunities to practice, not only with my A but now with a hormonal, pre-teen granddaughter. Years ago I did not have these tools. I felt run over by a freight train that I did not know how to stop, over and over and over again. No more! Things have changed. Grateful member. :)
Great topic Maresie and loved the shares! I was unaware of the term, but I have felt it many times in my life.
Boundaries are hard for me too... I feel the fear and do them anyway. When the other person resists, it gets mighty uncomfortable. I notice that some people act wounded and retaliate, which hurts.
Today, I take a deep breath in and let it go as I ask my HP to put me where he wants me. I know I do not want to generally feel uncomfortable with people that I choose to surround myself with. Today I told myself that it no longer seems like the good friendship, but rather one of convenience ... and it's ok... time to direct my energy and attention to the things that truly matter.
I think the issue with boumdaries for me is that on some level the fawn response worked
Indeed I think in many respects the fawn response was the best I could do.
Now I have to move beyond people pleasing
So much of boundary making is non verbal and a constant negotiation with myself
Backdraft is about sometimes as we get better we suddenlymstart to feel worse.
For example the more I dive into the issues I haf with the qualufier the harder it is. I am tremendously sad I was bullied. I am sad I did not have a partner. I am sad that I did not have skills to draw on.
In many ways the more boundaried I am with the former roommate the worse I feel. His behavior used to be terribly triggering for me
So now I am in another space, a better space but for a time it hurts to be there. Backdraft has been called the beginning of healing
