The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays ODAT reading suggests that when something unkind is said or done to us; that hurt our feelings, that detachment is the best way to turn the hurt feelings off,
until we can figure out what our responsibility is for the unkindness.Once we figure out if there was something we did to cause the unkindness, then well have an
opportunity to make amends, if necessary.It is recommended in this reading that we refrain from ignoring and/or challenging the unkindness immediately and its
suggested that "I will let it go; least said, soonest mended, and nothing can hurt me unless I allow it".The reading suggests that it is the way we process the
pain of that unkindness and that if we react to quickly and not investigate our part, that we actually hurt ourselves in the process and if I am understanding correctly,
can cause the situation to escalate, instead of finding the personal resolution, if there is one to be had.
Todays Reminder:
Let me not take to myself, and suffer over, the actions and reactions of other people.Other adult human beings are not my responsibility, no matter how closely their
lives maybe intertwined with mine.I will not allow myself to be troubled by anyone else; my one problem is to improve my own way of living and looking at life.
God teach me to detach my mind from what others say and do, except to draw helpful lessons and guidance from them.
My ESH for todays reading concerns dealing with my Mother, who got married to my 19 year old Dad when she was 18 years old and 4 months pregnant with me
(she does not realize that I know, she would be very embarrassed).Mom's parent's basically disowned her and moved out of state and for that I am sure she felt
very abandoned.I do not know if this is the right wordage, but I always felt like my being" was an emotional crutch for her, from my very young age.I never
bought into her neediness because it is, so not in my nature to be clung to, and as she got older her feelings, of what she perceived as me rejecting her, escalated
into just plain meanness.Enduring her wrath was terribly disconcerting; it has taken me several years to peel back those layers to reveal the reasons for her lashing
out at me and in the process was able to find the guidance from HP to improve my relationship with her.I have been able to forgive, detach with love and accept
her reasons and mine, in order to find personal peace and serenity.Needless to say, I have never spoken to her about any of this, it would just stir up a hornet's
nest of emotions that are better off left to rest.As long as we are both happy at this moment in time, is the ultimate objective.Life is to short I say!!
Hope everyone has had a wonderful New Year start!!
{{HUGS}}
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
Thanks Debb for your service and ESH. This is an important concept, not to react immediately and to check my own behavior, when treated with poor behavior. My A provides me with almost a daily opportunity to practice, and over time I get better at detachment, acceptance, and a host of other important tools that I can use. I've come to regard my own peace of mind/serenity as a priority. I've suffered years of misery from a variety of people and situations that I did not know how to protect myself from. Now I have our program and it works! Grateful member, progress not perfection.
Thank you Debb for your service and ESH. Lyne, you too as well.
Early on, I read Iamhere's tagline about Practicing the Pause. This reading reminds me of that slogan. As I grow in my healing journey, I find that pausing is the best "go-to" solution for me. I used to be reactionary... I believe b/c I had to. I had to be quick to put out all the fires, or to thwart undesirable consequences from sharing a life with the addict... or to cover for things I was so embarrassed over but had zero control over.
Thankfully, I no longer need to live that way. Practicing the Pause is good.
&
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I.am working on my boundaries all the time. I certainly live in a dsgunctionsl world. I not only have to work on my.boundaries. my expectations are key to.examine
I am really resolute on having life that is less volatile, less tumutuous but most of all calm. Calm is the goal
Of course that will not happen overnight
When I came to these rooms I was totally exhausted. I was triggered to the point of exhaustion
I lived most of my life in those states either frozen in a deoression of hyperaroused triggered desperately with no.respite. I had to rely on others to try to soothe myself
Now that I know more about complex ptsd I have a clear idea where I need to be. I have a very clear idea how to get there because I have studied how to go about that
For me starting the new year in this mode is truly revolutionary
For once the concept of putting myself first is working out. I am looking forward to reaping the rewards that go along with that
Happy Thursday MIP! Thank you Debb for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your ESH & shares. I will always readily admit life, people, relationships, etc. baffles me greatly. When I am faced with 'these' things, my brain just doesn't compute/process well. My first thought, response/reaction that pops up is rarely, if ever proper simply because the affects of this disease on me are ever present.
It would be so, so nice if my brain would 'go to' - this is going to be great news!! when another asks to speak to me in private. Nope, that's not how I am wired. My first brain thought is, Uh-oh what did I do wrong now? It is only with the tools of this program, the grace of a Higher Power and that tool of PAUSE where I can consider the facts in front of me, and reflect on the moment at hand. I will admit readily that I was a rebellious child from birth, and so even at the age of 58, when one asks to speak to me privately, I feel as if I am being summoned to the principal's office still all. these. years. later.
I've worked hard to practice 'this' - examining my brain/gut first level response to people, places, things, news, etc. With 3 male passionate, stubborn and opinionated alcoholics + my own 'like' person, if I didn't use our tools and pause as often as possible, I would live in a perpetual state of hurt/angry/disappointed - rinse and repeat. This is who I was and what I was like when I arrived and lordy be - I don't want to be her any more.
It's easier for me to consider the facts in front of me, reflect and choose a response that's healthiest for me - not for anyone else. So, so grateful for the gift of choices!
As it happens, without intending to bring in 'outside' topics, I can admit that with the unfolding events of yesterday, I was originally shocked. I watched TV all day as it unfolded. I processed extreme anger at the situation and the people engaged and profound sadness for our country and all the pain people are feeling. Today, I am still very sad, yet seeking hope in the future by choice. When things like yesterday happen, a part of me would prefer to throw blame/shame outward, get all angry and holier than thou and then wrap myself up in that anger and complain about it for a while - a day, days, whatever.
What recovery has taught me is to feel what I feel and then determine if there is any action I can take to heal myself, be of value and help others heal. It is in the use of our tools that I find my center, my serenity, my joy and my peace, one day at a time.
Love and light MIP family....be gentle with yourself - take good care of your heart & your health - let it begin with me! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
My SO is OA rather than AA... but has the same underlying traits. Very canny with money so we don't have that extra trait deal with . But just yesterday she began scapegoating me again. Projecting her own stuff. She is sneaky eating at night again too. So i have to bump up my detachment. Not too hard. Familiar territory.
& 
. But just yesterday she began scapegoating me again. Projecting her own stuff. She is sneaky eating at night again too. So i have to bump up my detachment. Not too hard. Familiar territory.