The material presented
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I'm new to this board. Not new to living with an alcoholic husband. 12 years, 6 sober and some short/long stints of sobriety. The holidays have been somewhat tricky over the years. My parents come to visit as both kids live in the same city. We split the time, Dad stays one place a week and Mom the other and then we swap. We (I) have managed to keep the alcoholism a secret to some degree...until this year. Everyone enjoying the evening at our house and while I'm upstairs getting the kids to come down, something happened. My Dad got upset...long story short AH kept on until everyone was upset. Dad and Mom wouldn't come back to the house for the rest of their visit. AH spent NYE alone while I was with kids and family. IT SUCKED.
But why I'm on here is I can't stop agonizing over the situation. I'm devastated that everyone has this horrible memory of the holiday time. I feel like somehow it's my fault. What if this is someone's last Christmas memory. AH doesn't help. He's still drinking and will end up with his 5th hospital stay in a year. He says that even if he's not drinking there are things that I need to change, that I need to look in the mirror and face my faults.
I'm not perfect and never professed to be. Am I to blame?
Aloha Cranberry and welcome to the family. The members here are for you and it is our experiences, strengths and hopes that are most supportive. Another major support when you get one is a sponsor who has been thru successful recovery and can and will pass it on to you and others helping you to recover from the disease of alcoholism. Your husband is not your sponsor even if he expresses some wisdoms at times. You are suffering from the affects of a mind and mood altering chemical disease which he is sick from also and needs to find and enact a recovery program if he is willing to do so. Alcoholism affect everyone it comes into contact with. I off set the affect of it in my life by getting and staying sober and learning and practicing how to live my life thru the Al-Anon 12 step and tradition program as you came here to seek help for.
The wisest instruction I got when I first got into program and decided to stay was, "Keep coming back". I do that daily. Please keep coming back. We are here for you. (((((hugs)))))
Certainly Christmas has huge expectations around it. That is especially when peope are coming from out of town during a pandemic
Indeed with the qualifier Christmas was a time of great conflict. In fact every year was a big struggle. So much of it seemed to be around his mother and her demamds
Im fact until recently I had a lot of resentment towards his mother. The qualifier is something in my past. I ceetainly.soebt a lot of time unraveling how and where I got triggered by him
I certainly bought into the notion of a perect Chrolostmas.
I.also bought into the notion.that the qualifier was hugely destructive in my life. He most certainly was but Christmas was oart of ot rather than the catastrophe I felt ar the time
Al.anon can most certainly helo you. Why not give it a moment of your time
Glad you made it here! Welcome here.
2021 is a new year a good tine to give this program a chance
Welcome. I am sorry for what brings you here, but you can certainly find healing.
If you stick around, you may be able to rid yourself of the guilt you are carrying.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
You ask if you are at fault and it sounds as if you feel responsible for what happened at Christmas and your AHs subsequent comments.
One of the first things I learned through Alanon was that I didn't cause my AHs drinking (although he frequently laid the blame at my feet - if I didn't do x.. or of I did do y.. then he wouldn't have to drink) nor could I control his drinking (despite many failed attempts at doing so) and I can't cure it.
In other words - it is not my fault that my AH is drinking. It is a disease and that is what is driving him.
Two years ago last Christmas we had the holiday period from hell which ended up with my AH threatening to kill our son and various emergency services involved.
Fast forward two years and thanks to Alanon, we are in a different place. AH is still drinking - I accept that's his choice but I have reclaimed my own self esteem and stated, with compassion, that I also have the right to live the life I wish. For me that means the right to be treated with dignity and respect, the right to set limits and boundaries on how I will be treated by others and the right to have my boundaries respected.
We are separated because I have decided I no longer wish to live in the same house as an active alcoholic nor do I wish my children to be in that environment (although others do choose to continue living with their APs and do so with serenity and happiness). However my AH still sees my children, which of course is his right. But my children also have the right to be with a father who in that moment is not drinking. So this Christmas just gone my boundary was that our house was alcohol free. My AH was welcome for dinner if he wasn't drinking for that short period. He came and had lunch and was then driven to get his next drink. I respectfully asked him to leave as this is a boundary which is now firmly in place and he did leave, but without resentment or anger.
I encourage you to keep coming back to Alanon. Many others will be able to share their experience and hope with you that there is light at the end of the tunnel x
Thank you for confiding and glad you found this board.
Al-Anon has many slogans and the 12 Steps which have helped me to deal with the remorse and questions that arise when the alcoholic in my life goes in to his routine rant. The rant is a way to create chaos, that chaos is designed to take the situation and turn it into a platform/excuse to continue their drinking and blame it on someone else.
Yes, those of us who have to live with the chaos do have to look at ourselves and our part in the chaos, but we are no the cause, nor can we cure or control the situation concerning the alcoholics drinking.
The three C's of Al-Anon: We did not cause, nor can we cure and we cannot control the alcoholic.
Learning to mind my own business and Q-Tip (Quit taking It Personally) is also very important.
I found that the first 2 Steps were very helpful to get me on the road to my recovery/sanity:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable. 2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Again, glad you found us, please keep coming back, we are here to help!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
I too send a warm welcome to you Cranberry. Living with an active A is trying, painful and often times unbearable. In my small part of the world, it drove me quite mad and I found myself questioning everything about me - beyond my self-esteem & self-worth. It's very common for the alcoholic to blame/shame others as they are in denial of most issues, esp. this disease and have no interest or desire in considering themselves as the problem or even a part of the problem. I can speak to all this from the heart - I am a recovering A, 33+ years sober and before AA, I was the most selfish, self-centered, self-seeking soul on this earth. I heard absolutely nothing anyone else said to me - whether with anger, sadness, love, etc. I was under the influence of the disease, and had to hit my bottom before I began to accept my disease.
What I've learned in Al-Anon is I am not at fault for the actions/words of another. Ever. However, much of our literature does give many examples how we become 'sick' because of this disease and how our actions, reactions, words, etc. can contribute to the chaos and drama. I recall one Christmas here where my parents came to town, and my oldest son decided to sneak out, broad daylight under his father's eye when I went to the store. Needless to say, when I went to gather the kids for dinner, he was MIA. Off went my husband, my father and myself looking for him. We did not find him and he returned way later, trashed out of his mind.
In my home, my husband is also an A so he does not parent. My father ruled the roost when we were coming up so when my dad stated (not asked) that he was going to talk to my son, I let him. To this day, I have no idea what he said, yet know it didn't make any difference. My son was so trashed he didn't know where he'd been, how he got home, etc. It was a sleepless night for me simply because he had already OD'd before and I didn't want that to happen while my parents were here. There have been many other dysfunctional holidays and I have no doubt that in the eyes of others, I played a part or was blamed. What I know today is the disease is tragic, progressive and creates a sickness by where everyone wants to blame another and not consider their role.
I no longer engage in the chaos. I have learned how to detach any way necessary because I value my serenity and sanity. I don't ignore others but don't engage with the drama. I practice listening for intent vs. content and if I hear something that may need to be looked at, so be it. I also have learned to establish boundaries - all of which takes time. Things in my home got much worse before they got better, yet they did improve. I have been able to stay in my marriage and be at complete peace, full of joy and fully detached from the disease.
I too encourage you to find/attend meetings - any way you can - in person, online, etc. Keep coming back here too - you truly are not alone and there is hope and help in recovery!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for your kind words. It truly helps. I was completely distraught and beside myself from the holiday chaos. Things aren't better yet but at least I'm not out on the ledge, losing my mind. I will continue to come here. In your mind you know you're not the only one this happens to but connecting makes you feel like you're not alone.
(((Hugs))) cranberry - I hear you and you're so correct. I will tell you that when I share, vent or just write things out, there is some relief -- almost like 'taking out the trash in my mind'...Be gentle with you and keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
