The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
In today's reading, the author speaks about the power we have over our own serenity, and the power others do not.
Unpleasant things that other people say or do don't have the power to destroy our own peace of mind or ruin our days unless we allow it. The author asks if we find ourselves responding to the words of a sick person as though they were the ultimate truth? The author shares that in the past, the role of martyr was a familiar one. accepting attention and pity due to the author's suffering became normal. Blaming others for problems, avoiding taking responsibility for one's own life... all these were common, and the author believes that they may have benefited in some ways from their own pain. However, today, the author has decided that the benefits aren't worth the price.
Thanks to the Al-Anon program and HP, the author is discovering who they really are. There is no longer a need to build an identity on suffering.
Today's Reminder: There is so much to appreciate in this life. I wont waste another moment feeling sorry for myself.
Today's Quote: . . . the greater part of our happiness or misery depends on our dispositions and not on our circumstances. Martha Washington
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Today is one of those days where the reading spoke directly to my morning, and said exactly what I needed to hear. We got some snow last night, 8 inches, maybe. And I'm taking care of the neighbor's pets and house while they are away. So, twice the sidewalk to shovel, 3 driveways instead of 2, and I didn't really feel like wading through and making heavy, icy footprints to deal with later by slogging through the snow. So, I shoveled on my way over and back, took care of the driveways as I got to them. I didn't do the heavy stuff by the road - a neighbor with a plow is supposed to come do that part. Let their dog out, fed the pets, carried on with shoveling. I had a meeting set for 8 am, so 7:30 I Set an alarm and just stopped at that point. Went upstairs to shower, and found AW still sleeping. Woke her, and shared about the shoveling. Well, her response wasn't a positive one, nor was it a kind one. I didn't expect appreciation for the snow removal, but I didn't expect a scolding, either. And so, while I was getting ready, I was feeling pretty blue about what she's said and how she'd said it. Opened the book, and there it was. I don't have to let her ruin my day with her unkind words. Her words aren't the ultimate truth, and I don't need to let them impact me as if they were. Of course, COVID complicated things - the house is small and we are both in it all the time, but I Can create a serene bubble for myself. I don't have to engage or react to her words, and I can have a calm, peaceful day.
I hope you make today a great day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Skorpi, thanks for your service and share. I hear you and I'm with you, along with the reading of course. For much of my life I depended on others to define me, and establish my worth and mood. My A then took over and wow, what a roller coaster ride that has been. I'm saying "has been" because the more I practice alanon tools, the better I am becoming on doing exactly what you said above--no one gets to ruin my day unless I allow it. I spent so many years miserable, that I try my darndest not to allow it anymore. It was an amazing realization, that I could prevent much of my misery. Imagine that!
Good morning MIP...thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Thanks to all for shares and ESH. I really, really like this page as for me, it's the premise for how I decide or choose to embrace this day and what unfolds. I came to Al-Anon willing to throw blame/shame all around me, with facts, and believed in my being that if others would treat me as I treat them, all would be well...
It never dawned on me that I could be/choose/decide to be teflon, not let 'it' all stick. I did not know how to let rudeness, meanness, disrespect, etc. go. Instead, I had a long habit of wearing it, and allowing it to disrupt my day(s), often much longer. More often than I care to admit, I responded in kind, reacting to absolutely insanity in the words/actions of others. All the while, fully justifying it, and very willing to fight to the end to 'be right'.
I'm so grateful for the changes in me, gifted by a loving HP who really does not lead me astray. Today, when I choose happiness instead of right-fighting, I am rewarded with calmness and peace of mind/heart vs. bitterness/sadness/regret over my own actions & words. My best form of personal advocacy over and over and over again when dealing with the moods, attitudes and actions of another is no response. Why? Because no matter how much or how hard I JADE, it doesn't change a thing! I truly do prefer today to be happy vs. being right.
Al-Anon and all the tools have given me the right to choose my attitude and outlook as well as my right to detach and set boundaries. I find it much saner to consider or enforce a boundary for self-protection/preservation than arguing with another - A or not. Choosing to take the high road to preserve my serenity and sanity is of way more value to me than any other response I can formulate.
Love and light MIP - happy Hump Day! We don't have snow - we have ice....I'm hibernating and grateful for a warm home to do so! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good Wednesday morning, all! Thank you Skorpi for your service.
It took me a long time to understand/accept what Iamhere said... "...no matter how hard I JADE, it doesn't change a thing!" How true that was/is!! Also, I lived so much of my life being affected disproportionately by what others thought of me. Especially my spouse. The description of "wearing it" rings true for me. Today, I am much better at letting things "slide" off me. I no longer get affected for a whole day (or longer!). I am a work in progress and I am grateful for my growth!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
I most certainly have been affected by others. For ms learning and reinforcing biundaries.has been so key. In addition for me learning about complex ptsd has been so helpful. The literature on comolex ptsd helps me to see the chronic patterns in my life. In parricular the dysregulation. That is being so affected by others actions. If I did not have this iniwledge dealing with the COVID 19 crisis woukd be impossible. The abject chaos we have had to endure is terrible. The virus keeps on going on. 224 deaths in Loss Angeles yesterday.
So all those triggers in top of one.another.: Christmas the holidays, Working (working is always a big trigger for me. Working over the holidays in un a whole different oaradigm, Covid 19 ( the stress if being around people who remain in denial) as well as the continued lock down which has.no.end as aell as.my own issues. Then on top of all that I have a medical issue which has ti be taken care of. Needless to say my insurance will not cover it.
So all my plans for the next few months are on hold. That is not so much of an issue as how can I navigate this time. I have so much to contend with. Nevertheless this time last year I was not doing well. I know I had a feeling 2020.was.going to be difficult. Noone.knew how difficult. Really all I had to deal with in 2020 was way over the top.
So maybe it is a good idea that I go easy on my plans for 2021. Navugating through these nedical issues will bs.enough
I have a very large to do list. Whatever I have ahead of me I need to navigate this To do list because it.needs to be more manageable.
One thing I have been much better on in the last year has been not taking any more on. I know I had too full a plate a lot of the time. I also want to focus on my health. My health which crashed this year. I was over 3.weeks in bed. I had some major medical issues
Thinking about 2020.would.not be.complete without acknowledging the loss of Betty. Betty was.such an emblem of positivity and so clear about recovery. No matter how ai felt Betty was always reassuring of what the orogram would bring to it. It is truly a incredible legacy that she left. She insoired so many people to keep.working this program
I feel her loss deeply but I am so oroud of her abikity to model this program with grace tact and passion l.
I am really in many ways looking forward to 2021. I was not looking firwsrd to.2020. I know that is progress for me.
Thank you all for your experience strength and hope.
I know everyday I can be.reminded of how to proceed. I know i can strategize and manage far better than I have.
I opened the book and started reading as soon as I woke up this morning and it was surely what I needed.
Sometimes I do ok at not allowing AH's moods/words/attitude/hatefulness/bitterness/depression, etc. get to me. Sometimes (many times) I don't because I haven't quite learned to walk away when he's like that. I have this bad habit of "proving" to myself, and to him, that he can act however he wants, say whatever he wants and it's not going to get to me. The problem with that little game(which I shamefully admit it's a sick game I play) is he plays a game where he's determined to push my buttons and unfortunately he seems to know exactly where the button is after this long. When I do allow it to get to me I also make the mistake of allowing it to take me down. I end up curled up in bed for the rest of the day and feeling depressed and/or crying.
Typing that out helps me see what a silly and stupid game I play. All I do is needlessly upset myself and ruin my day. Maybe it's a power trip and a way to feel superior, IDK. (and before anyone says I am being too hard on myself or beating myself up ,I am not. I am being real, I am not sugar coating anything and just owning up to my own chit. I can't change what I don't acknowledge)
Yesterday evening I accidentally stumbled across a stash of pills, a prescription I had no clue he was getting from the doctor. Everything kinda clicked in my mind and it made sense why he has been acting the way he has lately, why he's been nodding off ,why he's been so awful. I was surprised that I didn't get mad or say anything ,especially considering how I have behaved in the past. Instead I was thinking wow, I have been so upset lately and reacting to someone who obviously is unwell. I am allowing the words of someone strung out get to me and being hurt by it? It all made me more determined to spend more time here at MIP and put more effort into this program, hence the reason I opened the book as soon as I woke up this morning.
This is hard, hard work .It takes much effort to change things or do anything differently. I guess that's why it's called "working" the program.
I shouldve read this thread before what I just posted separately. Its so so so so so so hard to be Teflon. They know how to hurt and do it in the most unexpected times. Ruin a good thing in one slash. I hope you all find the strength to walk away (however that plays out) that I so miserably failed at tonight.
Seahorse7, I am so sorry you are having a difficult time right now!! Learning not to take everything personally is a huge help.
When AH lashes out at me, it is not me that wants to hurt so much is that he is trying to create the chaos that he thinks entitles
himself to continue drinking. Also, that ranting and chaos is a product of the mental damage to his brain due to the alcohol.
Understanding just those two points helps to put the ranting in perspective, so that you can detach and walk away. Working
Steps 1 and 2 help a lot.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcoholthat our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Hope I have helped!
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
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