The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The reading for Monday, 12/28, talks about how difficult it is to get close to people. Due to the effects of alcoholism, we have learned that it is not safe to trust, to reveal too much, or to care deeply. Alanon suggests that sponsorship is a way to improve relationships. That happens because we can experience intimacy and learn someone may be there for us. It can help us learn about support, caring, and trust. We find that some people can be reliable. We may also receive unconditional love, and can learn to give to others. We may also have a role model who is giving yet takes care of themself at the same time. And we can put all this into practice by passing it on.
Quote: The interchange between Sponsor and sponsored is a form of communication that will nourish both of you.
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When I found alanon it was here on the board first. I had decided on a number of rigid rules like I would never go to a F2F meeting, I would never get a sponsor, and on and on in the most unhelpful manner. When the pain got unbearable I reached out for a sponsor, I wanted to do the Steps, and I agreed to start F2F meetings. I did find someone I could trust, who supported me without judgement, and really started me on a path to having a new lifeone that I could actually enjoy and appreciate myself. We worked together for about 7 years, until her untimely death to cancer. And there I was with the rules againno more sponsors, dont need another one, can do this myself. And yet, as the pain increased, I tried again based on the positive experience the first time. And it is no surprise really that my new sponsor is helping me along my journey and Im so grateful I let go of my rigid rules. Among other things, Betty taught me its OK to take a chance, always carry a Qtip, and live ODAT. My new sponsor has life skills and ESH to help me with. Im grateful for my first sponsor, my new sponsor, and program.
I am so.glad that you had the opportunity to have Betty as a sponsor. It is.indeed hard for me to trust. .However on many levels I did.come to trust. I certainly trust that al anon has helped.me a.great deal.
I have also.come to see the alcoholic as a.broken oerson. While I can certainly have.empathy for the alcoholic they do not have emoathy for me. Moreover I cannot trust an alcoholic. Their focus on not feeling their feekings is decidedly unhealthy and caused me a lot of pain.
I am at a place in my life where preservation is a priority. My priorities were about helping others before.
Today we rode up the lake on our bikes. SWMBO on her battery bike. We had some ginger beer on the way back. then saw two of our grand-daughters and friends at a bouncy castle on water- waiting for their turn.
I reflected with gratitude that 4 or 5 years ago I would feel a lot of anxiety going to have those refreshments. If my SWMBO heard me speaking loudly the would snap at me.
Fact is I happened to use the 3 "a's which are aware-accept- act... ...and what happened i went to a chiropractor. He pulled my ears etc etc- and twisted my neck around.
But what happened is that something clicked in my left ear. It must have been blocked with wax- and that was my default position. As a kid I had glue ear- and could never pay attention. I was in a lost world. Lots of other stuff crashed in around me. The word I would use is serious and cumulative.
For once in my life I could hear the timbre of people's voices. Nuances... catch the drift- as it were.
It had taken me time to catch up. As we say in ACA- baby steps. Infant voices...
...but- hey- look at me here. I enjoy the depth and empathy here in Alanon. People here understand our trial tribulations and how things have actually been for us.
I felt like I had been in solitary confinement for much of my life.
Catching up- building confidence... and courage- -thanks. .
I have always had a real issue with trusting people and allowing others to see the authentic me.
I am a work in progress. Thank you for your service today, Lyne!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Happy Monday MIP - thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. Thank you all for your shares & ESH. I 'thought' I trusted others, and because my picker was broken and I was a bit insane, I discovered much later that I was 'looking for love in all the wrong places.' I love the lyrics to that song - so, so reminds me of me a while ago.
When I first arrived at 12 Step programs, I was out of options and had to follow directions to keep myself out of prison. I did not necessarily trust this program, the people there, or any of the literature/slogans yet did my best to comply simply to please a judge and avoid doing time. That was a long, long time ago and yet I can recall it as if it were yesterday.
When I got to Al-Anon, a part of me felt like I should have a 'leg up' simply because I'd been around 12 step recovery for a while. I found out how wrong I was. Even having the same sponsor for both programs who suggested Al-Anon for quite a while before I agreed didn't 'help me' or put me 'ahead' in any way/shape/form. As I began to work this program and detail my relationships, I uncovered many things about me, one of which is I tried to trust, I just didn't know what that meant. As with many things, I had a distorted definition of trust and if/when another let me down, I deemed them untrustworthy instead of as a human who erred.
Today, I go the opposite way of what my 'thinking' tells me simply because my best thinking brought me a whole world of pain, sadness, anxiety and more. I trust others until/unless they prove me wrong. This doesn't mean I give my Debit Card security code to the postal carrier, this means that I trust the new carrier to get my mail to me, even though every other new carrier has messed it up (2 homes, same home number same street - exception - I'm on Terrace and they're on Street)...
I have learned to cut myself and all others some slack simply because we're not designed to be perfect. Again, this doesn't mean I invite a robber into my home for a cup of coffee but I also don't assume a stranger on the street is there to rob me or another. As with all things, I strive for balance between self-care & self-protection and building walls that nobody can see me beyond.
It's darn cold here today - a great day to hibernate. I've picked up groceries curb-side, cooked brunch and packed up all my holiday clothing...It's a good time to do OPNT - Old People Nap Time - so that's next on the list! I've been bothered the last few night with restless leg syndrome (it comes/goes for me) which is affecting my sleep. I did some research and read that sugar can trigger this, which makes sense as I've been sugar-free for a long while and opted in for the holidays....so - no sugar, day 2, we'll see if that helps! Make it a great day family - find and keep your joy!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Once again David I marvel at how freeing it is to live in New Zealand. Under lockdown all manner of social activities are out
In theory we are under a curfew
Every 15 minutes in Los Angeles someone dies. California is adversely affected. So is the United Kingdom.
There is no let up in parts of the United States
Indeed we are banned from going to church, eating in restaurants, going to certain stores. The hair dressees are once again all shut down
I do not know when or if we will go back to living a regular life.
All the government offices have been closed for 8 months
8 months of having to navigate around that
Every single thing you attempt to do is affected by this pandemic
Many of us feel like we are swiming upstream
Many of my co workers are being laid off.
Being laid off is another nightmare because the unemployment system is mired in fraud. Some people did not get any money for months. Some people got their claims outright denied
They were supposed to take on more staff. Then they didnt.
Every thing that was mormal particularly going out and socializing is gone. I believe it will stay gone for a long time.
The virus is now the 3rd leading cause of death
I am glad that some peoole can asume things that are normal. For many of us we are literally under seige so posts about normal life seem pretty alien. What was thaf time? Meantime we are daily dealing with more and more challenges related to this pandemic.
I definitely had some good experiences with sponsorship. However I did not know that much of what I was dealing with was comolex ptsd. Now I do the fog is gone
The fog is not knowing what was a symptom. What wasme and what was them?
In fact it is really good for me not to give my trust uo so easily.
Trust being that certain people can uphold boundaries. They cannot. Indeed now one of my red flags is when people dusclose they had a difficult childhood. That is a sure fire indicator they do not know boundaries
Who do they hang out with? Do they spend a lot of time gossiping? Those are all good indicators. Unfortunately those without boundaries tend to lash out if you have them
Boundaries and trust go hand in hand. The better my boundaries the better I can trust myself. I used to want to be perceived as pleasant. Now I am prepared to give that up.
I am not seeking to be liked. Neveetheless those without boundaries see anyone who has them as unpleasant
Part of having boundaries is being sometimes unpopular
For those of us who.are codeoendent being unpopular is not sonething we are willing to entertain. However being boundaryless is something that makes me personally too vulnerable. Being somewhat unpopular is a beter choice for me. After all now I have given up being codependent I am not in a popularity contest.
I have a hard time trusting anyone. It's something that has to be earned and takes time. When I was in therapy it took about 3 years to build up enough trust with my therapist before I could really talk about important issues. I was glad that I stuck with it because it taught me that there really are good, trustworthy people in the world afterall.
I hope to one day have a sponsor and build trust. I think that would be so beneficial.
Thank you for your service Lyne.
I relate so much to the trouble with trust. Im in such a better place after years with Alanon but I get confused sometimes around trust. I think Im trusting someone but then have moments where I question actions and think Ive made a mistake trusting and the person isnt genuine. Then I wonder if my questions around the actions are paranoia and Im not really trusting at all. If a friendship goes along without problems, I accuse myself of being codependent and wonder if im that person who is too much and not as healthy as I think...what if they are and I mistook it for friendship? Now Im not trusting the friendship is real. Im pretty good at stopping it all and just saying let it all be and go back to one day at a time (sometimes feels like one minute at a time). Is a healthy person one who doesnt do these things? What is a healthy person? Maybe I dont need to wonder about it. It gets exhausting if I dont turn it over to HP. I like myself, flaws and all. Maybe the answers dont matter as much as my actions.
Have a nice day all.
Today we rode up the lake on our bikes. SWMBO on her battery bike. We had some ginger beer on the way back. then saw two of our grand-daughters and friends at a bouncy castle on water- waiting for their turn.
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