The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Todays reading is about shared responsibilities. Specifically the writer connects concept 8 and the management of al anon through executive committees. Responsibilities in other areas can likewise be shared, rather than assumed by one person. The writer describes the alcoholic home he/she grew up in, and how because of the chaos of the disease in his/her mother, and father working in addition to other responsibilities outside of the the house, the writer took on all of the responsibilities in helping the household to run. This pattern became solidified and the writer assumed the responsibilities of many other people. When the writer started to attend alanon, he:she noticed that all responsibilities were shared and did not fall on one person.
Having grown up the youngest in a large family, I felt the mix of responsibility with perpetually being the baby. I did assume the responsibility of those around me. What often happened was that I would take on responsibilities of others and then automatically become resentful about it. It took me a while to see that I could do what was mine to do and ask others to do their part. Understanding that all responsibility isnt mine balances with understanding that I am not in control of all situations. Letting go of assuming all responsibility also helps me to let go of being controlling. As this difficult year is winding down, it is helpful to remember that there are limited things within my control, many things which are not, and I can ask for help in seeing the difference.
Hi Mary, thank you for today's reading, your service and ESH.
I am dealing with AH's resentments towards me, as of late, because I retired last December. This is quite the opposite of today's reading, but found it interesting!!
I'm six years old than he and did work a year past retirement age. Actually, I probably would not have retired if it had not been made so difficult by my employer
to do my job. I just was tired enough to say I've had enough, have to admit it felt good. I do pretty good with a pension and SS, it can get pretty tight when
large/unexpected bills suddenly arrive, but it is basically alright. AH feels resentful of me having retired and tells me in no uncertain terms that he feels I am not
pulling my weight. Believe me, I am the kind of person who always takes care of mine/our financial responsibilities. I pay for many/many bills in the house and
used one pension to pay off the house. I will give up my resentment and his to my AH, lesson learned from Step One and Two. Thank you Al-Anon and MIP.
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"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
Thank you Mary for your service and the daily. Thank you both for your shares and ESH. For ever and a day (it seems), I did it all - work, kids, carpool, house, cooking, laundry, etc. I just assumed all these roles without asking for help and wore myself out, not too mention got resentful and crazy. As I got better, I came to realize that when I ask for help, I may get grumbles but I do get help too. I have to accept that others do things different than I do and often have a different clock than I do so if I am not thrilled with the outcome, I either do it myself or I let it go.
I have always been willing to do more than my 'fair share' of anything. Al-Anon has given me tools to be of service without entrenching or enabling. I practice 'this' daily as the want to control and fix lays just below the surface in me. I have learned and continue to learn to let things go trusting that it will be as it is supposed to be. I don't get wrapped up in who's doing what or if it's fair or equal; I just do what I need to one day at a time, and try to keep things simple.
Happy Sunday all - watching some football today and catching up around here. Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks for the topic, Mary. And hi Debbs and Iam...
I was the oldest of five. I carried a mixture of excessive responsibility, and carelessness. And I can see both arising at different times.
In the wider world i sometimes had trouble with authority figures. When I went into employment I tried to change everything, most times.
Historically in Alanon I have seen a member or two assume authority over overs. And other members have backed off and let them. I guard for myself by reflecting on two words: management and control.
I manage because I try to connect, and communicate. To listen.
To reflect aloud- and with others, over group matters, as they come up.
I try to to raise issues which are not relevant, at the time. Sometimes these are manifestations of my own issues. In this arena this becomes a part of the learning and healing process- for me. ...
Last week I went to a f2f meeting and I was the only person there- at the door. I had to travel to get there.
There wasn't a break-down in communication. It was Christmas eve. I was not an actual member of that group.
But maybe that was the goody-two-shoes in me? Wanting to be there for that one last member?
I can turn this trait to good effect.
I have dreams and plans for next year. I praise my higher power the Ii still have hopes, dreams and plans. Yay! ...
Since I tend toward perfectionism, I had a real hard time until I starting working my program. In high school, I was the one who did most of the work in group projects (so afraid not to get a good grade), in college and at work I did more than my fair share - heck, employers LOVED me! I have to laugh at it now... of course they loved you PNP... you gave them your heart/soul for mere pennies on the dollar! LOL! I took that same "work ethic"/perfectionism into my marriage. Oh, I was smart enough to know that I couldn't force my spouse to be perfect, but I developed a raging case of, "If you want something done right, do it yourself." Therefore, like Iamhere, I wore myself to the bone, and developed so many resentments! And if it wasn't that, I just "knew" that I could change him if I modeled the behavior I wanted from him - spoiler... it never worked! One of the things our marriage therapist pointed out was about me: "You will have a different timeline for what you asked for. If you aren't specific, then you must allow for others to do things on their timetable, and in their own way. There are many different ways to complete a task." That was oh, so long ago... but I still remember her words, and try to let go of my expectations when I ask others to do for me - or if it is super important, I will be very specific.
Today I am making a boat-load of guacamole, and watching my NFL team win their division! Yay! Of course I hope I didn't just jinx them! LOL!
I am looking forward to another short workweek, and another 3-day weekend!
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Thank you for your servive. Well there is never a better tie thsn a pandemic to.talk about shared responsibilith. All tjose people traveling to a family holiday, all those peope goimg to.parties and those who adamantly refuse to wear a mask.
Where else would we get such a grsphic image of the world we live in
I am of course one of those people who takes in more then my.share if respinsibility. Then I spend a lifetime regrettimg it .
Of course since I have been dysregulated my entire life it is hard for me to say this is all I am going to do. After all i grew up.with no.boundaries and certainly was not given a sense that I was worth standing up.for. i.also have to remind myself that I was always punished severely when I stood up.for myself
So how you stand up.for yourself is particularly key
Like pnp I gave people 1000% when they were asking for 100% then somehow I always came up.short
I was always so easily manipulated
I was like an open book
I am much clearer on my.shared responsibilities
I no longet do more than my share. Moreover people who tred all over me no longer get my attention.
...
