Good morning MIP and thank you Lyne for your service and the daily. I came to recovery feeling so broken and hopeless, my denial ran deep on how I had hurt myself. It took me a good long while to come to a place of seeing 'it' and then 'accepting' it. I arrived with a very long habit and pattern of throwing blame/shame beyond me for all the pain I experienced, and never considered what role I played in my state of being.

The steps helped me tear down walls that had been upright for many, many years. I became aware that not only had I put myself last almost always, I didn't even know what self-care was. I had tried countless routines to improve my health, my fitness, my spirit, etc. and abandoned them over and over and over again to react to this disease in others and just others in general. It was completely foreign for me to consider being kind to myself and put myself first. Yet, as I've progressed in this program, and identified the many ways I neglected or hurt me, it has become easier through practice to take good care of me and then be of service to others.

I too practice treating others with kindness, compassion and grace...even when others are nasty or disrespectful to me, I try to keep my side of the street clean. I slip and correct as best I can. I am so, so glad that we are asked to just focus on progress, and not perfection.

Happy Monday all! I can't believe Christmas is in 4 days. I am golfing for the next 3 - we've still got reasonably mild weather for our 'winter'. Make it a great day!

Thank you Lyne for your service and this Daily. I enjoyed reading Iamhere and Debb's shares too!

Just the past couple days, I posted I was so done with blaming myself for the demise of my marriage. Oh, I know that Addiction killed it. I did all the research, I read all the Al-Anon literature (and then some), but deep down, I still blamed myself. I just wasn't "Enough."

It has taken me a few years, but I finally accepted (just this week!) that I did all that I could... I WAS enough... for the marriage... but perhaps not enough to keep my SO's demons at bay. And I accept that, b/c that is not within my scope of power... never was, nor should I even think that that's the way it should've been.

I had an incident happen yesterday that is related... b/c it is about Loss of Control and Letting Go. I agonized over taking my son to see my Ex's mother and sister (who live together). My son's aunt just got through the 14 day isolation since she had COVID. Since we've haven't seen them for a year, I thought it was important, as who knows if we'll ever see them again (the virus is raging here, and there are no more hospital beds anywhere). So I drove over and we stayed outside, masked and on the sidewalk. Even though I took all precautions, I still fretted with anxiety the whole time we visited - which was short. I actually blew out a sigh of relief when we were on the drive home! Later that day, my parents were enjoying the 85 degree winter day out on their front porch. They asked me to sit with them. Since I was masked up, I sat 6 feet away and we enjoyed some conversation. Low and behold, their neighbor comes by with shots. Completely unmasked and asks if he could join them. "Of course!" they say!
He brings them beers and some alcohol to do some shots. He makes some joke about being six feet away, but he does not sit 6 feet away. He brought the shot glasses from home.
Now, I don't have a problem with the drinking. My parents are not alcoholics. But their neighbor who they are close with, is younger than them, rarely masks up, walks all over the neighborhood & visits with all the neighbors. They ask me to get a bottle opener. I do, and I choose to also get some alcohol wipes. I wipe the opener down and hand it to the neighbor. I watch as the neighbor pours and then hands each of my parents the shot glasses. At this point I am shaking with frustration, so I hand my Mom the alcohol wipes and say good bye. It was the hardest thing to bite my tongue here!!

As I walk out back to my cottage, I am both seething at them for not saying, "Wait, _______. Let us put our masks on." And for me spending the day in high anxiety about visiting someone who previously had COVID, fearing I would bring it home to them, despite all my precautions. As I walk in my door, I am bawling. My son sees this and is instantly affected. Darn! Now I had to explain my emotions. I have always been VERY careful to be the steady one. I don't let him see my fears or sadness... I am The Rock. At this point I am bawling and shaking and shuddering. I explain the situation to him and let him know that I am OK, I was just "hit" by my feelings of Loss of Control. I explained that sometimes it is hard to accept that they are adults and can make their own decisions even though I completely disagree with them.I told him I have been holding this all in all Pandemic... it was bound to come out sometime.

I am hoping it was a learning moment for him, (that we are all human and have our limits) not one in which I scared the hell out of him!
It was a learning moment for me for sure. I am still going to live my life with my heightened precautions... but I am going to stop living in fear of giving them this virus!!!
If they get it, it will not be because of me, that's for sure!

Thank you all for letting me get this off my chest, and out of my head!

&