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I have realized that my Codependent behavior and one of my flaws in character was gravatating towards drama. My A will often say, you thrive on drama and craziness and I can't stand it!! I suppose he is right to some degree. What I have learned by working this program is that when the drama insues, whether it be the a, my family, a friend, on the job, I actually get consumed in it and it makes me feel uneasy. I think about the turn of events that just happened before me and mull it over and over in my mind. That is a common trait I think of many Codependents to take the pressure off themselves and focus on others.
Last night, we had a little drama... My sister is 19, we have different mom's. She left her mom's home at 18 to move to my part of Florida to be with her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is verbally and emotionally abusive. A constant pot smoker, unreliable in work, just violent and a great liar and manipulator. My sister knew all these things going into the move, nothing we could do. I used to talk to her until I made myself crazy, working the program has helped me detach with love and leave the door open. She rarely calls except when she has a problem or needs advice etc. She has contemplated leaving this person twice, but got sucked back in by his promises and lies. Well, her mother called me a couple of days ago and told me my sister left him and left with the clothes on her back. Apparently my sister's dog died three weeks ago and she found out that he killed it. She called to see if she could stay with me or my brother for a couple of days, but then ended up at some guy's friends house and has been there for the past two nights. Yesterday we all tried getting in touch with her all day and all evening to find out where she was, was she o.k. no answer. Finally her mother decides to call the police and tell them what has been going on, etc, etc. They sent the FBI unit to her old apartment, only she finally answers the phone while FBI is enroute to her home.
I call her after 10pm, "Oh I'm fine, I'm sorry I didn't answer my phone, I really didn't think anything of it". I could have reached through that phone and kicked her butt. My old habits of trying to "impress upon her" that she was not being safe, she's a young girl with no girlfriends around and shacking up with two guys who she barely knows is not safe. She would here no logic in my words, basically said she was sorry I felt that way and too bad, she wants to stay with these people. I didn't know what to say except take care of yourself and goodbye. I felt like crap after, maybe I was too hard on her, I don't know.
My Dad could care less about my sister, he has never been there for her and her mother is completely toxic, she's been depressed for years and has always loved the drama. My sister has not been well for several years, depression, dropped out of high school, got pregnant went through an abortion, and now this. All I could think about last night was what she was like as a baby. I took care of her, rocked her, made sure she had everything she needed. When her mother and my father divorced I made special trips to visit as often as I could, letters, presents, phone calls. I just can't believe that this beautiful girl that had so much to offer people and the world is going through this. Then I remembered was it any different for me? As a teenager and a young adult I felt worthless and unlovable, today I fight those feelings because they were so much a part of me. I chose people who were not healthy for me, that goes without saying now. There is nothing I can do for her. She will have see the truth for herself and make her decisions for herself. It was none of my business to lecture her on how to live her life. All I can do now is give her a call and let her know I love her and if she needs to talk I can listen. She is searching for her HP and I can pray for HP to protect her and guide her. I thought guiding our children was giving them options of what they can choose to do in their lives? I guess its not forcing them to make a choice they are not ready to make. Same goes true for my A and my own kids. Letting Go and Letting God can be tough when you feel like your way is right and you know if they did it that way it would be good for the person. I guess I can't be sure that my way is right for her. Any ESH on this?
Thanks for listening...
Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
She is at a tough age to try and tell anything to. Giver her to your HP and pray for the best. A lot of people at that age don't make wise decisions and grow eventually, pray that she will be one to. You hve enough in your immediate family to deal with right now. As you grow in your recovery and you will find the words to talk to her someday. Let's work on you and get your life on track before we worry about a sister that hasn't grown up yet.
As the mother of twins also, I know you already have a special place in heaven. You don't have anything else to prove. This is a selfish program.
Josey
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Julianne - It's best to move on. You cannot look back in anger in life. It's too short
You probably know from my posts that we share this codependency ball and chain. I have all the best intentions in the world... want to save my little brother, my neighbor, my in-laws, my kids, .... nobody is safe from me telling them what the right thing for them would be. After all they have been goofing it up all this time, they could use some insight, right? LOL
I have been trying to look at these things like they were happening to someone else now. (Only been doing this for a week or so) It helps me not just step in and tell them how life really works. Obviously I don't have a clue.
My grandfather never gave me advise.... if I asked for it he gave me his opinion and really didn't seem to get upset if I didn't take it to heart. He made some comments that I remember something along the lines of "... you know, if it were me I would X". He wasn't preaching or ordering me around, just throwing it out there to think about. I admired his ability to do that so much growing up. I really couldn't get that from my Father.
You appear to be very level headed, very caring and you see your sisters life from a different perspective. She is lucky to have someone who cares. You will have to decide what information to give her from your perspective, and just like me, you will have to give her the respect of accepting what she does with that information.
I know you will do well! You are miles ahead of me, so leave the lights on and I will try to catch up.
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
You are doing a great job. Just keep loving her and your door open if ever she is ready to get out of this life, she knows she can count on her big sister. She has to be ready for a change before she seeks out change.
Keep working your program and hand her over to your HP.
Much Love,
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"Today's problems can not be solved if we still think the way we did when we created them" -Albert Einstein
She called to see if she could stay with me or my brother for a couple of days, but then ended up at some guy's friends house and has been there for the past two nights. Yesterday we all tried getting in touch with her all day and all evening to find out where she was, was she o.k. no answer. Finally her mother decides to call the police and tell them what has been going on, etc, etc. They sent the FBI unit to her old apartment, only she finally answers the phone while FBI is enroute to her home. 
