The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I went through a most unpleasant evening Saturday past with my A. I really am trying to let go and let God, but I have realized that her alcoholic behavior repeats when she is confronted with issues she doesn't like. We were discussing how to be careful about covid and what behaviors needed looking at. She can become rather defensive and nasty, and says things she really doesn't mean, but they are said regardless. It's an exhausting dance. It doesn't happen that often anymore but that is not the point. It shouldn't happen at all because I don't deserve it, yet am I expecting bread from the hardware store??? Yes it is my job to change me, protect me, and lean into program. And I am/and will. I feel there is a price to pay for keeping this marriage though.
I have felt you struggling as of late (the way you type). However, I have also felt how strongly you are working your program so that you can honor your marriage to your qualifier. This is something that I have admired, while at the same time, I am truthful and authentic to me - understanding that I could never handle what you handle (and I am OK with that).
I am pretty sure your question ("Am I expecting bread from a hardware store?") is rhetorical... deep inside, you know the answer.
For me, yes, I believe there was a price to pay for holding onto my marriage... and I was just done being the only one to pay that price. That realization took me a long time to accept.
Keep working your program as you are. Your HP is communicating... when you are ready, you will see your way through!
Wishing you peace this weekend!
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Lyne, I too am so sorry that you are having to live through this chaos. I can totally relate because I am still
in the marriage as well with AH. I to have recently experienced the ranting and noticed how it still upsets me
but not to the degree it used to. The one thing I did differently this last time was I described to him what it
feels like when he comes at me with that ugly hyena face spewing names and unreasonableness - I told him
it felt like he was vomiting on me. He stopped and said what is that? It seemed to end his tirade. I then
told him a day and half later, that this is going to stop and I was not going to tolerate it anymore. He grunted
in concurrence but I doubt it will ever end due to the fact that he is still drinking. You are not alone, Al-Anon
has definitely given us the tools to stop the hurt and anger and I am determined to live my life fearlessly.
By the way his ranting ensued because he was upset about a mouse behind the baseboard in the bedroom
that he could not get at and I suggested that he sleep on the couch. What a waste of time and energy these
rants cause.
__________________
"Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart" ~ Unknown
(((Lyne))) - every single solitary tool that we have in this program comes to mind for me. As my mind settles in, boundaries keeps popping to the front. I too am still with my AH and it's better than before as I just have 'one' to deal with vs. the insanity of when my boys also lived here. When I first came to Al-Anon, and others were calm, cool and collected it just did not compute for me! I really did not have any hope that I could grow and change enough to have peace and serenity in spite of what others were/were not doing.
I have a lovely sponsor who patiently just kept suggesting various tools to me. Acceptance, gratitude, focusing on what was good/working vs. what was not, detaching, etc. She is a very consistent, loving person, calm and super kind. I readily admit that I can be slow at times, and the biggest obstacle standing between me and serenity was my will and my ego. I really struggled to let go and make changes simply because the unknown brought me more fear than the unhealthy norms.
Boundaries come to mind simply because I truly can only change me. When I have to speak my truth, I carefully consider my needs (not wants) and become willing to avoid 'YOU' statements, focusing on 'I' statements. I also pray for the ability to listen for intent vs. content, because my guys are all extremely defensive, no matter how cautious I am with my words. I no longer sit with chaos/drama and will walk out of the room, ask for a break, say good-bye on the phone, etc. I don't mind when they get defensive as it tells me they are trying to listen; I take action if they become abrasive, abusive or the like.
The first few times I got up and walked out of the room, it felt strange/foreign and they were baffled as that was 'change' in me. It did not go well - I was followed, berated, etc. I actually walked out of the home if this happened and either took a walk or took a drive. My sponsor suggested I let my actions speak for my words. It was not easy to keep my mouth shut, my tears in check and just disengage/walk away. These actions from me, for me, were absolutely necessary for me to take back my power in my own home. They did not respond nicely...I was ridiculed, laughed at, etc. Yet, I committed to love myself and honor myself by removing myself when I felt attacked/disrespected/etc.
With consistency, my change has imposed a change in them. I don't even have to speak; they are aware when a boundary has been crossed. My actions do the talking and it happens way, way less than before. I felt for the longest time that I was the glue that held it all together. I feared making a change as I might end up alone. I took the plunge, put me first and things changed - mostly for the better.
In the case of Covid, I have gone out of my way to stay as safe as possible. I don't go out (golf, exception, one per cart, socially distant), pick up all my groceries, and have sanitizer every where. I found out that my AH was doing some 'shopping' and just told him I was not comfortable with being around him based on his choices. He has now asked me to order things for curb-side pick-up, and has opted to have his meals in the man cave since I made the statement. I didn't even plan or ask for a discussion; I just said my peace and he whined and complained for a minute and then made some changes.
We all have access to the same information and facts. It's not my job to school another; it's my job to protect myself as I see fit. Others that I love in my family and in recovery are taking more risks, which is their choice. I have opted to not be around them, socialize with them, etc. My best days are when I allow others to be who they are, do what they do and just focus on putting me first. Easier said than done at times, yet I always get back 'there' when I am restless, irritable or discontent.
(((Hugs))) - this pandemic has made all things so much harder for everyone. I've been praying for added patience since this all started as I truly need it. Be kind and gentle with you! My sponsor used to ask me why I cut my guys so much slack yet don't honor myself the same way....so, so true in my case!
-- Edited by Iamhere on Saturday 12th of December 2020 10:48:19 AM
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I recently was in a place of feeling irritated and frustrated
That was and still is.me 24/7 for years if I am around an alcoholic.
I noticed it yesterday because that is not my norm
My norm now is not to be in that state of exhaustion
The fact is that I did not know how to take care of myself around an alcoholic
I still do not but I am much better af it now.
There is nothung wrong wuth nit knowing
In fact admittimg you do not knuw is a start
There are changes I want to make in the bext year that are critical for ne. I do not kniw hie to make them. There are tremendous obstacles. I can push back against those obstacles. I csn mert mysrlf where I am.
