The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Been struggling a bit lately. A current home renovation project is way behind schedule due to our contractor, who is proving to be very unpredictable. As a result, my home is a mess with no firm timeline on when to expect things to be done. I dont do well in untidy spaces for extended periods so Im becoming quickly irritated. Add in COVID, which has destroyed my routine and Im suddenly finding myself stressed out in a major way. The the lack of structure not only makes me more irritable but its making it difficult to stay in my own lane at times too. Last night was especially hard. AH was drinking as usual. Normally I can mentally and/or physically remove myself when I feel my peace start to be infringed upon. But it is harder to handle when I feel the scrutiny of others who are here to witness it as well. I know Al-Anon teaches us to let go of the burden of shame but its proving to be one of the most difficult of all of the lessons for me to embrace. Anyway, with the contractor inside my house and with AH in the garage drinking, and with the knowledge that the contractor was seeing and having to interact with my obviously drunk husband, I began to feel like a caged animal. I could feel my adrenaline begin to pump and I entered fight or flight mode. I always prefer flight. I could have left and gone for a drive but my daughter wasnt feeling well and I wanted to be here in case she needed me. So instead I retreated to our bedroom. Which is usually fine, except that the contractor was working directly between our room and the main living area of the home. I could hear everything he was doing. It was loud enough that I couldnt watch tv or read. My peace was being invaded no matter what I did. By the time the contractor left and my AH went to bed, both at around 10:30 at night, I was so amped up I couldnt sleep. I think it was around 4:30 am before I drifted off. My daughter woke me up at 6:30 to ask me if Id seen her car keys. I havent been back to bed since. So Im definitely running on both emotional and physical fumes today. Which is why when my husband called me earlier I wasnt exactly in the best mood. And when he asked me what was wrong, I couldnt fake a smile in my voice. Instead I said I didnt want to talk about it. Now, my husband KNOWS that this is the phrase I use when his drinking is getting to me but Im trying hard to keep perspective. It means there is nothing to talk about. It me struggling with MY issue. Nothing either of us says is going to change things. And if I DO decide to talk with someone about MY issue with HIS drinking, its sure as heck isnt going to with him! HE KNOWS ALL OF THIS. So WHY does he always follow that up with - Is it because I was drinking? I just want to scream at him YES IT IS BECAUSE YOU WERE DRINKING! IM AT MY BREAKING POINT WITH THE @$*!^ DRINKING YOU CLUELESS MORON! But that would just open up a whole can of worms that I dont have the energy to deal with. It would be a pointless fight anyway as nothing will ever change unless he wants to quit drinking and he doesnt, so... Instead, I take a deep breath to try to compose myself and detach so that I can simply say - Yes, there are times your drinking is more difficult for me to deal with than others. Im feeling more stress than usual and it just became too much last night. I do not want to discuss it any further because this is my issue not yours.
His response was his typical Fine. with just a hit of anger behind it, like its my fault that we cant talk about his drinking. We both know that conversation goes nowhere and only causes more anger between us. Hes been perfectly clear that he has no intention of quitting and Im trying hard to let his choice be his choice. Constantly questioning me about it only makes it harder for me to keep perspective.
It is exhausting to have to be the bigger person all the time. It is exhausting to have him constantly ask if its his drinking when he already knows the answer. And its exhausting for me to have to answer him again and again, as honestly as I can and then verbalize to him that the burden of that is my issue not his. Its unfair that he gets to be selfish and I dont.
Twinkies thanks for sharing what's going on with you. This is a safe place to vent and share what it's like to be in the trenches. It's been awhile since I have lived with an active drinker, but I remember all too well the angst that it caused. I also don't do well in untidy spaces for extended periods of time either, unfortunately I have recently moved in with my daughter and my room is a mess. There is no where for all the stuff to go, so it just sits in boxes. This too makes me irritable. I have set a timeline for getting rid of the stuff in the boxes so I can live in my room with my "stuff" and not feel so overwhelmed.
Give yourself credit for not reacting and staying 'detached' that would be hard for anyone under those circumstances. Getting yourself physically removed from the situation was a good tool to use also. Take a deep breath and maybe take some literature with you to read. Coming in here and typing out your frustration was also a good tool to use. Maybe find an al-anon meeting to attend, or call a friend on the phone to further distance yourself from what's going on in the garage. Give yourself a pat on the back, you're doing just fine.
__________________
I can Overcome all things through my HP who strengthens me.
(((Twinkies))) - I don't do well with MOST THINGS that disrupt my routine - remodel + pandemic + active disease = stressors galore/overload! Give yourself a break any way that you can. If your daughter is old enough to drive, she can call you if she needs you...put you first as best you can and as often as you can - simply because we must be our own best friend, advocate, caretaker, etc.
I too see change and it's so not easy! Be gentle and hopefully with better sleep/rest, things will feel/look better. I am of no value to myself or others when I am Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. (((Hugs))) - we're here for you as best we can be!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
