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Hello friends. Sorry I have not posted for awhile, but I have been reading your shares and hope.
I feel like I have hit a bit of a brick wall and while I am focusing on odat - I still feel like I am trudging through treacle and just need to hear your e,s,h as a light at the end of my tunnel.
I have separated from my AH and we are living apart now for some 4 months. We see each other occasionally when he sees the children and because he has to be 'sober' in order to see them, I get to see the person I thought I once knew. The trouble is he keeps phoning me up - sometimes it is for a genuine reason and other times he is obviously drunk. And those times I try my best to simply say I can't talk to you when you have been drinking and then don't answer the phone. I am starting to feel like I personally need to stop all contact with him because as soon as the phone rings I go into hypervigilance mode and dread to hear what he going to sound like.
I question myself why I do talk to him when he is 'sober' and I think it is because he is trying to stop drinking, although he is not in any programme and I want to be compassionate to someone who is trying whatever way they choose to do. But I feel my emotional health is suffering again and all the good progress I thought I had made in Al-anon is slipping away.
Sometimes now this is feeling ever harder than when we were actually living together and I am starting to beat myself up about it all. I guess I am back on that crazy merry go round again. Thank you for listening.
(((BetterTomorrow))) - I did not leave my marriage so don't have experience with shared children. There's no shame in testing/exploring good boundaries when you are trying to determine the best level of relationship with one you will co-parent with. While I have no experience in sharing parenting, I do know that I also tend to be uncomfortable when another calls me under the influence. I will do whatever I can/need to to step away from 'that' as it's just not how I want to spend my time/energy.
Boundaries are not easy to enforce with those we've previously been lax with. My A's rebelled against any/all boundaries I created. I could guess reasons why, but that doesn't matter. I'm not responsible for their anger, feelings, etc. I am responsible for my own. So, if 'this' -- whatever 'this' is isn't working for me, I go right back to that Serenity Prayer and try to focus on that which I can change.
There is no shame in trying to have a relationship with someone you have spent life loving. It's not easy, esp. when we've been affected by this disease. My experience is that the lower my expectations are, the less disappointed I am. If I were allowed to be 'king for a day', it would be easier, pain-free and natural. I am not king for a day and my relationships with those I love with this disease are messy, awkward and painful at times. Yet, I keep trying as I too want to have compassion for them and because I love them. I've said it before, and don't get 'stuck' on it but if I opted to walk away from all alcoholics in my life and family, I'd be pretty lonely. So, instead, I keep doing this 'life' one day at a time, one moment at a time and keep growing/changing and exploring the next right thing.
When the disease has been on overdrive, I have blocked my A's. This is more for my own sanity/peace. I'm not one to go completely no contact simply because I do want to be of service if I can be and when/if I am asked. This has been a good tool for me to rethink/reset my boundaries several times. It also helps me enforce my boundaries while I'm processing.
You're doing fine/good even if it doesn't feel like it. There's no perfect way to set boundaries, recover, relate, etc. It's all about trial and error. Keep leaning into your program and your HP and I am certain you will find your way! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Maresie thank you so much for your share. It was just what I need to hear. Two things stuck out for me - I am so busy trying to be compassionate with my AH that I have forgotten to be compassionate with myself (maybe forget is not the right word - in truth I have put my own needs way down the pile) and about being a good person to everyone but myself. I am now going to actively work on these two things for me - so thank you again.
Iamhere - a wise and helpful share, as always - so thankyou. I am now reminding myself that I can choose to step away and don't need to engage and that I can do that respectfully, but if he is on overdrive then I can also choose not to communicate at all to keep my own serenity. And back to those boundaries for me - think I need to tweak them again but progress not perfection.
