Overcome is is great to see you back on the board and sharing your ESH with family.  I missed you and you have prayers of course. Stick around and listen and learn.  I relate to your share and remember my journey which contained so much hate and anger and resentment and stayed in the rooms and in the literature and with my sponsors and much more cause I didn't want to die crazy.  I also had more than several alcoholic relationship which brought me to the understanding that I needed constant help which I am getting right now.   Keep coming back sweety...(((hugs))) 

 

{{{OC}}}. Feel like Ive been down in the trenches with you with alcoholic marriages (in my second), having trouble with change, and I can say for myself I need a whole lot of help. I attend my home f2f meeting on zoom. Its not the same as f2f but it helps to see the familiar faces. I have a new sponsor (Betty died in Feb. if you knew of her). I try to read and write on our board daily. And I also text with a program friend mostly every morning. I see an addiction counselor 1xmonth (now on the phone) to get the professional take on my life with my A. And I have the opportunity to practice my tools daily. It works if you work it and Im sure you know all the sayings. Keep coming back. :)

Thanks to everyone who responded to my post and those that came in and read it. I did not land the job(s) but as Maresie pointed out "not succeeding at first is normal". While this is a set back, it has made me more determined than ever to knuckle down and fill out those job applications and try to find work, any work.

Lyne- yes I remember Betty (hotrod) and she was a sweet soul. She did great service work here and also in the chat room. I primarily saw her here on the message board, however. She will be greatly missed.

JerryF - my journey too has included hate,anger and resentment. This manifested itself most not when I was married to the alcoholic (although there were certainly times that it did), but when I was caring for my mom who had Alzheimer's. I was angry that people abandoned me (or so I thought), I hated people that were there for me one minute and gone the next, I resented those who did not make the choice that I had made to stay at home with my mother and went back to work instead and placed there loved one in a home. Now looking back there were not as many people that abandoned me as those that stayed the course. I now understand that those that were here one minute and gone the next were just not as strong as me and could not deal with the horrible disease and the deteriorating effects that it has on those we love. Now 5 years out from the disease and my mother's death from it, I can see that those that made the choice to place there loved ones in a home instead of choosing to stay with there loved one at home till the end may have been doing so for there own sanity (which I almost lost mine in the depths of this disease). Alzheimer's is very similar to Alcoholism in many respects and there are those alcoholics that if they stay out there long enough can suffer from dementia as well.

Reading back over my post I see a lot of similarities in the two diseases that I didn't realize as I was typing it. "I hated people that were there for me one minute and gone the next" this is true in the disease of alcoholism as it is with Alzheimer's in that people leave us as we stay in the insipid disease of Alcoholism with the alcoholic and become as sick as they are. We too can lose friends, jobs and respect of those we love for staying in the family disease of alcoholism and not in recovery. Before al-anon I resented people that set boundaries with alcoholics and did not 'stay the course' and support the alcoholic. What I didn't realize was that setting boundaries for themselves was healthy and 'staying the course' often involved enabling behaviors that were not in the alcoholics best interest, or mine. I'm not saying that some cannot stay in a relationship with an alcoholic and also pursue recovery for themselves, I have seen it done and applaud those that can stay 'detached with love' from their alcoholic while staying in the relationship, this is easier said than done however and I for one never had the fortitude to do so. (Probably the reason for the 4 alcoholic marriages and divorces) Fortunately for me, by divorce number four I was practicing the principles of al-anon and did not get myself into another alcoholic marriage. I realized that if the sparks immediately fly when I meet someone, they are probably an alcoholic as that is what I'm attracted to for some reason. IT's like I have a big neon sign on me that says 'enabler' or at least I did prior al-anon.

Just for Today I will stay on track and do the 'next right thing' when it comes to my future and the change that will in-evidently come. I will continue to go to my 12-step recovery meetings and I will continue to post on here and read posts of others (as I have been doing). I will continue my job search and not give up.

While I did not grow up in a alcoholic home; Maresie,i did grow up in a dysfunctional one. My mom and dad were very dependent on me and I was emotionally abandoned. I did not realize this growing up, but had it pointed out by a counselor. My dad especially did not know how to communicate with me and often just 'showed up' at my functions and school activities and offered very little praise. I am glad that he 'showed up' and realize that many do not even have that. Like I said, I look back on my childhood with fond memories growing up on the farm and interacting with my horses, dog, and yes even the cows and the pigs that we raised on the farm. I always related more to animals than I did humans growing up, probably due to growing up around old people that didn't engage with me much.

As far as setting boundaries go, I have learned a lot from my 4 alcoholic marriages, mostly what NOT to do! LOL Al-Anon has taught me that. I got into the program after my second alcoholic marriage failed; but I got into my 3rd relationship with the ACOA while I was yet in al-anon. I thought that because he was NOT an alcoholic that I was ok. Lo and behold his father was an alcoholic and since alcoholism is a family disease this effected me greatly. That third marriage uncovered the fact that my husband had been sexually abused by his alcoholic father after our daughter was born. I did not know this when I married him. Long story short this ended in both my in-laws and my husband (who after 5 years of trying to save the marriage, it too ended in divorce) being limited to only supervised visitation with our daughter, due to indiscretions that my ex-husband succumbed to due to his childhood abuse. I survived that relationship only because of al-anon.

My fourth marriage was to a dry drunk, with this marriage I thought because he wasn't drinking I would be ok. Not so. Living with a dry drunk was worse than living through my first two alcoholic marriages. He was controlling, manipulative, narcissistic and just plain mean. He would not allow me to go to al-anon and questioned me every time I went somewhere and would check up on me if I left, so I never felt like it was safe to leave the house. I eventually went to a safe house and left him. I returned to my al-anon meetings and relearned how to set boundaries. 

Still to this day alcoholics are drawn to me and me to them, I have learned however to set boundaries and not get 'hook up' with actively drinking ones or those not in the program. Currently I'm 11 years out of my last marriage and see no reason at this time to get back into another relationship. I am enjoying being on my own and being my own person with my HP at the helm to guide me. Life has not been easy since I left the last alcoholic marriage, but it has been more manageable with al-anon. 

Overcome, wishing you much luck and success with your new surroundings and job!!!